My Heart's Secret

I wait outside, tugging at my dirt-stained trousers and looking at the worn bricks on the back of the building. The sun is finally showering itself across the horizon, signaling the beginning of the day, and the parking lot behind me is quiet for once, an unusual spectacle on a normal day. I feel myself getting antsy. I know what I am going to have to tell her, and I don’t know how she is going to take it. I begin to think back on the conversation I had the night before.

I was sitting in the small bar, a hole in the wall on the side of town, conversating with my friend Kay as we gulped a few bottomless beers. It had become a tradition for us. We went to work, met up at the pub, and enjoyed the company of the other stragglers that walked in. I remembered feeling a little out of sorts as Kay and I discussed our love lives, a somber moment in the vicinity of such smooth beer.

Head on hand, I told Kay how I was never going to find love, and I explained how the only reason I had made it this far was my boss, Lynn. Lynn was a bit older than me, but we had a lot in common. However, she was a mother and had just gotten out of a bad relationship, making me sure that she didn’t think of me the same way that I did her.

Kay smiled and rolled her eyes. “You’d be surprised,” she said. “You should go for it. You never know what will happen.”

“I know,” I remember saying to her, fighting the urge to argue.

“No, you don’t know,” Kay said, almost immediately reading my thoughts. “You don’t know until you tell her how you feel. What if she feels the same?”

I shook my head, the night grew long, and before I knew it, it was time to rest my head. I woke up that morning, quickly getting ready for work. I headed to the gas station to pick up a cup of coffee and headed out. When I got there, Lynn had already arrived. She looked beautiful, her soft red hair cascading across her shoulders and the soft freckles on her skin making her look vulnerable like a gorgeous piece of art.

I greeted her and threw down my belongings. That was our pattern, so she was used to my messy pile of stuff cluttering her counters. “I need to talk,” I said, looking over my shoulder and realizing that my co-worker had arrived as well.

“About?” Lynn asked, searching my eyes for an answer.

“In private,” I said.

Lynn nodded and informed the other associate that we would be going outside. He agreed, and I headed out.

That was ten minutes ago. Now, as I stood there alone, I wondered if she really was coming out. What if I never got the chance to tell her how I felt? What if she already knew what I was going to say? What if she was avoiding me? I felt my thoughts go wild as I looked around for any sign that she had followed me. Finally, a door swung open, and she walked out.

I took a deep breath and looked up, pasting a smile on my face as she came closer. “That took forever,” I joked, giving her a teasing grin.

“I’m sorry,” she sighed. “You know how Roy can be. He wasn’t going to let me out here without talking to me first.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, holding my tongue. Roy didn’t quite like me. I couldn’t tell if it was because of my personality or because I didn’t conform to the traditional values that he embraced.

“So, what’s up?” Lynn asked, lighting a smoke and resting her back against the hard brick wall.

“I…I had something to tell you,” I said, lowering my eyes.

“Okay,” she said. “What is it?”

“I don’t want to upset you,” I said, buying time. I knew that if she didn’t like what I had to say, she may never speak to me again.

“Now, you’re scaring me,” she laughed.

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly. “I just don’t know how you are going to take this.”

Lynn looked away for a moment, apprehension filling her eyes. “I wanted to talk to you about something as well,” she said.

“Huh?” I asked, completely thrown off. “What about?” She looked so sensitive at that moment, almost as if she was going to break into tears.

“I don’t know how to say this,” she said, looking away.

“Look at me,” I said, softly. “You can tell me anything.”

Lynn’s lips started to quiver at that moment and a stray tear made its way down her cheek. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve thought of telling you before, but I never knew how to say it or when the right time was.”

“Are you okay?” I asked, my mind instantly clouded with a series of medical complications that might warrant such a melancholy response. “I mean, are you?”

“Yes,” she laughed through her tears. “I’m okay. I’m just nervous.”

“Well, then just say it,” I replied. I didn’t know how much longer I could endure this mystery.

“I am in love with you,” she said quietly.

“What?” I said. I was sure that I hadn’t heard her right. Maybe, my mind was playing tricks on me.

“Don’t make me say it again,” she pleaded. “It was hard enough the first time.”

“Did you say that you were in love with me?” I cautiously questioned, trying to take some of the pressure off her.

“Yes, and I have been for a long time,” she said.

“I’m in love with you too,” I beamed. “That’s what I was going to tell you. It took me a long time to realize it, but I finally figured it out last night.”

“So, what now?” she asked, her tears finally receding.

“Well, what about a date?” I grinned, pinching myself secretly to make sure that this wasn’t all a dream.

“After work?” she asked.

“Sounds good to me,” I agreed.

We both stood there for a moment, looking at each other, enjoying each other’s silence. Then, when it was finally time to leave, she waved at me and we walked in. The rest of the day was a blur, but the one thing that I know that I will always remember is spending time with my love, Lynn.