Moments ago

I’ve never been big on conversations. The city was already so full of noise: the aggressive honks, dogs barking at the same time each morning, restaurant music blasting through every crack and corner. During the day, the streets were packed. Every inch was covered by feet or tires. From my window, I watched a million faces pass by unaware of the world around them.

They all appeared like they were sleep-walking through life, barely awake to notice the person next to them. My apartment was on the highest floor of the building for this very reason. It was far enough to keep away the noise, and quiet enough for me to breathe.

In this apartment, I could create my own little world, untouched by the forces outside. But the longer I stayed within these walls, the weaker I got. At some point, I knew I had to leave and breathe the polluted, city air. At some point, my little world would have to expand or else it would cave in on me.

One night, I finally decided to leave the apartment. I left because this evening would mark the first snowfall of the year. It was hard to resist the bitter touch of each snowflake. They danced on my lashes, coated my hair. I was lined with flakes, drenched in a fresh, winter coat. I had forgotten the last time I tasted snow like this. The sidewalks were beginning to layer with inches of it! I felt my feet grow numb to the cold as I continued my stroll through the city. For the first time in years, I felt my mind grow quiet to the noise around me. The snow began to cushion the chatter from behind, and each step I took felt lighter than the last.

I let out a deep, warm sigh and watch as the fog surrounds me. I had finally made it to the borders of the city. This used to be my safe spot, moments ago. Once upon a time, I’d come to watch the lake ripple with the wind. I’d giggle at the baby geese as they fought over my pieces of bread. I’d sip my warm coffee and soak in the sunlight like it was my last good day to be alive.

Now, my safe, simple lake was frozen solid, reflecting the twinkle of each star above. The moonlight shone against it, glistening across the acres of dense ice. The wind was a bitter cold, combing through my hair as the night grew dark.

When I imagined coming back to my spot, I hoped it would be scarier. I imagined I’d be consumed by the memories of what used to be, consumed by grief for my former self. She was lighter, with hopes and dreams. She’d come to the lake with another hand to hold, and sleep against his arm when the sun grew tired and old. The only noise she could sense were her laughs mixed with his. They mingled adoringly with the warm air, bounced softly against the gentle waters. He threw a stone into it once.

“When I met you…”

The stone skipped across for miles, leaving a cascading series of neverending ripples.

“The world stopped for a moment”

He skimmed my face before looking back at the lake.

“And when it started again, you were all that was left of it.”

The ripples kept going on for ages without looking back. The sun would set but the ripples would stay, remembering the stone that started it all. How it skipped soundlessly across the lake, shocking each wave.

I look across the frozen lake, dead cold and motionless now. Wherever that stone was, it was trapped beneath layers of dense ice, asleep at the very bottom of an old-age memory.

I feel the warmth of my tears melt away the layers of snowflakes coating my cheek. The streets were empty now. All I could hear were the soft sounds of my shallow breath, and the quiet whimpers I struggled to keep down. I imagined it would be scarier to revisit my former self and her short-lived taste of sunlight. My shoulders were coated with snow now, and the cold night was a comfort long-lived. It was a comfort that would persist against the clamorous city and my lonely apartment. Afterall, tonight was the first snowfall of the year and I had months to go before I’d feel warm again.

Through my window, I could feel the seasons come and go. I could feel my heart grow warm and cold with them, teased by the memories that lived only moments ago. But in my apartment, time remained still. I watched as people walked unaware of the world around them.

One morning, right before Christmas, I watched a familiar figure walk across the street, with a different hand in his hold. I bring my warm mug of coffee close to my chest as my heart freezes over. I crack the window open and invite the snowflakes into my apartment.

One by one, the flakes scatter across my floors and cushions. I sit near the ledge and let them blanket my cheek once again. A bitter cold eases the seething pain in my chest as I watch him laugh. I could see the warmth of his breath through the fog as it mingled closely with hers. She loses her balance on the ice and grabs onto his shoulder for support. They both laugh into each other before strolling into a gift shop.

I look back at my apartment. The empty, undecorated christmas tree in the corner pokes at me. There were no gifts that I wanted. There were a few wishes that floated in the back of my mind, but none of them were possible to attain. Of them all, I wished most for the clock to be as frozen as my heart. If only time could be lenient enough to wait for me. I was still stuck coated with snowflakes, freezing over with the bitter cold. I was still waiting for the seasons to slow.

I never saw him again after that Christmas. I saw the snow melt as the sun rose every morning. The morning chill became softer with each day. One morning, I woke up and opened my window. I peaked my head out and smiled down at the busy streets.

This would always stay the same. A street packed with feet or tires, the music busting from the restaurant across the street, the silly dog barking at the same time every morning. I felt the world around me pause for just a moment. Everyone was wide awake in their own lives, and I realised that I was the only one asleep.

I pour myself a large cup of coffee and slip into my favourite pair of sandals. Today marked the first day of summer, and I knew exactly where my feet would take me. Back to my safe spot, back to exactly where I belonged.

The ice was fully melted now, and the baby geese were back to their bickering. I grab the breadcrumbs from my bag and scatter them across the boardwalk. I take a seat at my favourite bench and sip on my coffee. The sunlight felt warm against my cheek. The soft air combed through my hair. For the first time in years, I felt wide awake.

A seagull flies over and sits next to me on the bench. Instinctively, I throw him a few breadcrumbs, but they disappear within seconds. Humoured, I shake my head and reach into my pocket. Before I’m able to throw him some more, a figure comes from behind and does it for me. I look up to see the sunlight, handsome as ever. He smiles at me before taking a seat.

“I knew I’d find you here”

His eyes stare into mine, as if they're the only eyes to truly see me.

“Here I am”

I smile at him, the first smile I’ve worn in years. He grabs my hand and laces his fingers with mine. He looks down at me, and I look up at him. We were stuck in the sunlight with baby geese bickering at our feet.

“Just for a moment, the world stopped.”

“Just for a moment.”