Miranda's Purge

The day was like no other. I emerged from my slumber to the sun peaking over the horizon in preparation for lighting the world with exquisite sunshine. I was almost ready for my routine to begin.

But something was a little off. I couldn't quite put my claws on it. I stretched out of my home and suspiciously looked to the right! Then to the left! I squinted my beady little eyes expecting to figure out what was different about the beach. That's when it became dauntingly obvious; why was the water so far away? What in the great jibbly jinks!

I always sleep facing the waves, just a dozen or so feet from them. I quickly began a panic dance in the sand while I used my front right claw to keep my mini straw hat in place. I danced to the left. I danced to the right. I danced all around. I couldn't decide which way to go! So, I made a mad, strenuous five-foot dash to the fallen palm tree where I kept all my houses.

I had an instinctual feeling this might be dangerous, so I sorted through all the different shells I collected over time in search of the right one. Locals knew me as Newton — The House Hoarder. I couldn't help it. Different houses for different occasions. I didn't see an issue.

I spent all but five seconds looking at my wonderful wardrobe of calcium-carbonate gear, when I realized there was no time to reminisce. I got right on top of the pile and started digging through them like a mad crab late for the krill buffet. There it was, glistening, just like the day I stole it in a cat fight in the gulf of Panama. Not even the razors of shark teeth could penetrate it. It used to belong to a Crown Conch snail that must have long ago perished. They were known as the imperials of the sea. The locals would kill to get their hands on one. I don't mean the playful kind of killin. I mean the slit your neck, choke you out or feed you to the eels kind of killin.

I got dressed and wasted little time making my way toward the lazy, drab waves, they barely made a sound. But then I heard splashing right down the path I was crawling. Luckily, I have six legs and two arms. I easily climbed atop an old piece of stranded driftwood that hadn't seen land in years.

Just a few feet ahead of me I could see a struggle taking place, something else was also stranded. It didn't look friendly but couldn't hurt me since it was stuck, so I returned to my mission of investigating where the water was going.

"Hey you! Over here, over here, over here!" I kept my mouth shut and pretended I saw nothing. I cautiously crawled my way past it.

It looked like a baby shark. Kind of odd, I thought.

"C'mon old man! I need some help!"

It had the nerve to speak to me again.

"I'm stuck on this string! Use your clippers to set me free and I'll save your life."

Save my Life! What in the devil did he mean!

"Listen, um, you! I don't talk to strangers. And I most certainly don't talk to sharks!" I gawked and continued traipsing my way forward.

"Really! Get over it! You're so old school. Sharks stopped eating crabs in the late nineties, after a crab named Shecky evolved poisonous pinchers and killed dozens of sharks that got too close. You're not a Shecky are you? Because baking in the sun to death sounds more inviting."

"Shecky smecky, save your breath young punk! I never heard of no Shecky." I was getting irritated at the very sound of his voice.

C'mon, free me! It will only take a second! When was the last time you did a good deed?"

"You call freeing a shark a good deed? HA! I'd rather be the main course for a colony of gulls."

"If you set me free, I'll let you in on a gooood secret!"

A secret! What in the devil did he mean.

I changed directions and made my way closer to the ridiculous, reddish looking shark. He was only twice my size, but I was equipped with heavy Armour and an evil glare that can send sharks crying to their mama. I had to know this secret...

"Hmm, you're not a baby! What's your name, shark?" I muttered as I pecked away a circle in the sand around him, with pinchers in the air in defense mode.

"My name is Keet. There's a string attached to my tail fin. I'm not sure how I got caught in it, do you see it? I was just minding my own business when all the water drew away, leaving me in this puddle."

"I see, I see, well good luck with that, I've got to get to the water."

"Wait! Don't you want to know why it's so far away?"

I did want to know but didn't trust sharks even if he was the smallest one I've ever seen. It was his damn questions that got the better of me. I absolutely thrived on gossip.

"Yes, I do want to know why it's so far away. Is this your dirty little secret? Well... Go ahead, make yourself useful and spill the beans! And I guess I will see about freeing your slimy tail from that manmade twine."

"Cool! So check this out! My grandpa saw it! My cousins have seen it! Stretch, the great white saw it. Millions of plankton saw it, right before they were crippled or beat to death by it. They all tell the same of story of The Great Miranda Wave."

My jaws dropped! "Go on... Who is this Miranda Wave?"

"Not Who! But what! My Grandpa said he was shopping for prey in the local seaweed mart one summer morning, when he felt the water move like never before. This wasn't an undertow but something different. All the sea creatures scattered from their hiding spots and headed further out into the gulf."

I crept closer to the young sap and examined the string as this story was getting juicier. I continued to listen.

"And and he said the water became shallow and the shoreline retreated. Everything was calm but then a gang of playful seals swam past him toward land and jumped out the water. They kept pausing to look at the gulf then continued flapping their way inward. One of them stood right beside my grandpa in the shallows with his head above water gasping from exhaustion. He told my grandpa he'd better swim to deeper water now, because the Great Miranda Wave was coming. It's believed that it comes to cleanse the sins of our forefathers. We have all lived as predator or prey. My ancestors as well as yours have played this game of hide and seek for a loooooooong time. Don't get caught sleeping or you might just wake up to the last chomp you will ever hear. The Miranda Wave is a powerful reaper that travels the beaches in search of sinners. But it doesn't discriminate, get in its way and it might choose you to send to Mr. Davey Jones Locker."

"Hahahahahaha" I almost lost my house as I laughed at this gullible story. "How come I have never heard of this Miranda Wave, as you put it?"

The shark became motionless, his face displayed horror before he spoke again, "Shh shh shh...do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" I dubiously uttered.

"Shh shh shh... THAT!"

I Looked forward, toward the gulf, and he was right! I could hear the sound of raging rapids getting closer. I got back on top of the driftwood to get a better look, and Holy mountains of Jesus!

"That's no Miranda Wave... THAT'S A FRICKEN TSUNAMI, RUN!"

My panic dance began again...

"HURRY! CUT ME FREE AND GET ON TOP OF ME! GRAB HOLD OF MY DORSAL FIN FOR DEAR LIFE!" The shark shouted.

This time I did as I was told. No time for questions. I made my way to the string and put both clippers to use. He was free. I jumped on top and grabbed hold of the rubbery creature and prayed that he knew what he was doing. No one was going to believe that I was putting my life in the hands of a shark.

Oh my lord, this is it! We both saw the towering water as it was tumbling faster toward us. We braced for impact.

SWOOSH! SWOOSH! SWOOSH! CRASH!

I retracted my eyes and dug deep in into the leathery skin of my adversary. Water and bubbles were everywhere. It was like I was trapped inside a violent vat of club soda... Mmmm, with a twist of lime.

Keet held his ground. He dug his fins into the sand during the first round of unrelenting pounding. I could tell he was an athlete. His muscular head blocked the rushing power of the water from knocking me off.

"HOLD ON, I'M GONNA LET GO AND SWIM FOR THE DEEP!" He yelled.

"WHATEVER! JUST DON'T GET ME KILLED. I HAVE A LUNCHEON WITH THE QUEEN OF PRAWNS IN THREE HOURS" I also had to yell. It was the only way to hear each other.

As soon as he let go, we were thrusted toward land. We tumbled with the waves until he found focus. He used the forward momentum to gain his balance, then fought the water and swam toward the bottom where there was less churning action. Along the way I saw defenseless Jelly fish screaming past us, they were no match against the heavy water flow. I saw starfish enjoying it like they were at the amusement park. Scallops were digging into the sand. Shrimp were hitching rides on the brave seahorses. My teeth chattered with fright. My delicate eyes were almost torn off my head as we fought the current. Then, one of my pinchers came loose and I was flying through the water with one arm attached to the gutsy juvenile shark.

"SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN! AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT BALL OF SEAWEED HEADED OUR WAY!"

I was a backseat driver and didn't care about adding my two cents to this insane ride from hell.

He didn't listen and continued to dodge and sideswipe death as it came for us.

CRASH! CRASH! BAM! TOPPLE! FALLING! SINKING!

I didn't know what hit us or what we hit. All I knew was that I was detached and free falling toward the bottom. I saw Keet rolling down the side of a coral garden. This concrete structure caught us off guard and Keet slammed right into it, knocking him unconscious. I kept my eye on him as I slowly sank toward the bottom. We were out of danger of the Miranda Wave, and deep enough to where it was manageable, but could still see the chaos continuing right above me. That's when I noticed my house was stripped away. I was practically naked from the neck down.

"KEET! KEET!" I shouted out to him but no reaction. As soon as I landed on the bottom, I put my six legs to use and darted across the sand toward the coral. I searched for abandoned houses along the way, or something I could take temporary refuge in. Then I was interrupted by a selfish thought. I'm free and alive. Who cares about that shark, save yourself. It was cruel to think of but then again, this dog-eat-dog life of having to protect myself with a constant watchful eye was tiresome. I could easily hide and wait till the tsunami was done ravaging the beach. But then, my good conscious made me realize that Keet also deserved to live.

I crawled as fast as I could and began climbing the coral garden in search of him. Coral freaks me out. All these little mindless creatures coming in and out of their home, feeding on whatever they can. It was like stepping on to a whack-a-mole maze. Every time one came out, I had to change directions. It was annoying but I didn't want them to touch me.

"KEET, KEET!" He was laying on his back in a crevice between the heaps of coral. He still did not respond. I jumped off a small ledge and floated down to him. He looked dead. I couldn't tell if he was breathing. I crawled up to his mouth and put my ear to it. I felt nothing.

"KEET! DON'T YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS YOUNG MAN! GET UP, GET UP!"

Still, no response. I began to dance on his belly like the panicky crab I was. I went back to his mouth and couldn't believe what I was about to do. I put mine to his and forced water in and out over his gills while pounding my left claw on his chest. I learned this from watching the lifeguards on the beach pull out the crazy humans who thought they knew everything about water. They always come back to life. I kept repeating the repulsive action of touching mouth to mouth hoping he would resume breathing. Then I felt a wiggle, then another. It was working.

"Ewwwww! what the hell are you doing crab? I don't swim that way with other dudes, sorry but-"

"Oh, don't flatter yourself, and the name is Newton!" I said as I shook the sand off my head after being thrown off of him when he came back to life. "You were a goner for sure if I hadn't forced water into you. You slammed into the coral and killed yourself. I told you to slow down, didn't I?"

"I was DEAD? That's the coolest thing ever! I've never been dead before! Did I barf my guts out before it happened? What was it like? I can't wait to tell my twenty-two brothers!"

"Aye Caramba!"

Keet and I stayed the night in that trench, listening to each other try to make sense of our differences. Turns out, he was just as much of an idiot as I suspected. But! I was beginning to accept him for who he was. I liked his reckless kookiness. It was amusing.

He took me back to the beach the next morning. The tsunami, or should I say, "Miranda Wave" took everything I owned. The beach looked different. The fallen palm tree where I called home was swept away. The picnic benches and lifeguard stand, all gone. Oh well, I thought. I planned to stay and rebuild anyway. I loved that place.

I still run into Keet every now and then and use him to take me places. All I have to do is listen to his silly stories about how he died fighting Miranda... I don't dare try to crush his beliefs or debate with him about it. The true nature of the wave is beyond his feeble shark brain.