Mind's Eye

When I was ten I broke my brother's foot. I don't remember doing it. All I remember was our trek to catch grasshoppers in the gated field that flanked our house.

The smell of grass.

That's when it all goes black. The very next thing was screaming. I had awoken to see my brother laid out on the ground, face twisted, wet, wailing in pain and confusion. I didn't understand until my eyes scanned down his body to see his foot. It was limp, laying unnaturally towards his inseam, bloody with the skin peeled back.

I don't want to talk about his toes.

"Oh my God_____! What did you do?!"

My mother came flailing towards us, pushing me back onto the ground where I lay frozen, nauseated with disbelief.

"M-mom, what happened to Stevie?"

My mom snapped her head back to look at me with a face pulsating with fury and astonishment that to this day makes me sick to remember.

"Don't you sit there and act like you don't know what you did! Go call 911, now! And you better stay in that house until they get here, Do you hear me?!" She sounded frightened.

The sound of Mom and Stevie's shrieks dizzied me, I remember my vision blurring in and out.

"_____, I said, do you hear me?!"

I don't remember responding, just running on rubber legs towards the house. I called the police. I don't remember what I said to them either. All I remember after that was sitting under the kitchen table, waiting, stunned, and thinking nothing at all.

I found out later that I had pushed my brother down and began stomping on his ankles and feet. They told me that I was screaming at him. When I try to ask what I'd said my mother swiftly changes the subject and my brother has to leave whatever room we're in.

He doesn't talk to me anymore. My savage attack left him with a permanent Limp. It's really destroyed whatever confidence he would've had. If I ever try to apologize or convince him that I really don't remember what happened he becomes furious. He never says a word, but instead aggressively packs an overnight bag and heads to one of his friend's houses. Sometimes he won't come back for days.

I really miss my brother.

I'd become a pariah in my house. The attack on Stevie was evidently not an isolated incident. There was the dog, the parakeet, the dead cat on the doorstep, and some mutilated mice. We stopped keeping pets after the cat. I maintain that I don't remember any of these events (I really don't). And if I sound proud, I'm not. I'm fucking terrified.

My mom tells me that she believes that I don't remember, but I have a feeling she's lying. She sleeps with her door locked, oftentimes forcing my brother to barricade in there with her. I understand the door. While it disturbs me, it's nothing compared to the wooden cross she secured to her door with screws and liquid cement. I know that I killed the animals, but I don't know that it warrants divine protection from me. I think they're hiding something from me. Something deeper. There's a sense of dread that is ever present, it's palpable.

Occasionally, I'll touch the cross, relieved when it doesn't sear my skin or propelle me backward like in the movies. I assure myself that this is proof that I'm not evil. But beneath that reassuring thought lies another one so dreadful that I push it down into the very soles of my shoes.

Maybe, whatever it is. It doesn't care.

I go to therapy 4 days a week. My mother is a strong believer in psychoanalysis, having gone through it herself when dad left us for, "120 pounds of strawberry blonde bitch", that's how my mom puts it anyway. She says she lost herself for a minute. She drove with me and my brother cross country after finding dad fucking strawberry bitch on his Harley in the garage. We broke down somewhere in Arizona. She said she went into a kind of trance, stripped off her clothes and sat, nude, beside the car for hours. We ended up being okay, but I don't like road trips as a consequence. So, I think she has some sympathy for me and my "states." That's what she calls them.

"_____, do you trust me?"

I was looking into one of Dr. Barre's crystal paperweights. At its center are colorful geometric shapes resembling sharp flowers. I wondered if there were little crystal humanoids living within the crystal forests, dwarfed by those flowers. I wondered if crystal people could be cut.

"Are you listening to me_____?"

I jumped, prickled by the intrusion.

"O-oh, sorry Dr. Barre, I uh, I get lost in these things." I said offering up the sphere.

"Yes, I know you do, but this is important, okay ______? I need you to know you'll be safe in my charge." Her brow furrowed quizzically.

We've been implementing hypnotherapy per Dr. Barre's request, to which I agreed so long as we didn't delve into any memories that I don't want to remember and that I be in charge of the recall word. She was hesitant about the latter portion of my stipulation but ultimately agreed when I wouldn't budge. I don’t like the thought of someone else having that kind of control over me. We've had about twelve sessions and it seems to be working. I haven't had a blackout in weeks. Even mom and Stevie seemed to be more relaxed. Besides, it's much less invasive than brain scans that revealed nothing or medicine that only made my episodes worse. Despite our progress, Dr. Barre is insistent on these pre-hypnosis pep talks.

"Of course, I trust you completely." I smiled weakly.

"Good, Okay! We'll just lie back then," she fluffs the art deco inspired throw pillow behind me, "and we'll get started, okay?"

"Okay."

Dr. Barre really likes to say Okay.

I lie back as she flips on a radio, emitting vibrational music. It sounds like something a Buddhist monk would meditate to, save for the whale noises.

I close my eyes and begin to focus on my breathing, as Dr. Barre has informed me to do many times. The gentle sounds of bell tolls and aquatic mammals ripple through my body. I follow Dr. Barre's melodic voice, like a bear trailing the wafts of something sweet. When my body begins to tingle, I know what comes next. Without flinching, I brace myself for the lucid drop from my mortal coil, and I submerge into the dark waters of consciousness.

It’s like beginning to fall asleep. When the reality of ceiling fans and cartoon voices emitting from a TV in the next room waver into unrecognisable shapes and shadows of their formal unity. Slipping down like a viscus worm, down into the earth.

Then

The

Plunge.

I submerge into the spiraling undertow of empty ocean. Sizzling bubbles crawl up the length of my body, oozing out intangible whispers, gurgling as they pop. As it always is at this point, I have reverted back into my ten year old body. I know this as I watch the badly laced Chucks secured to my feet slowly descend to the sandy ocean floor that moves and breathes. The sand sighs and gathers at my feet as I land softly upon it, unlike the chattering bubbles that disperse from me like an interrupted swarm of flies, light trailing in their wake, leaving me in a thick silence.

I’ve been here countless times, not only in hypnotherapy, but in a repetitive dream since before I can remember, the trance just makes it possible to move freely throughout it. What’s different now is that I notice it’s extent; the ocean isn’t ever ending like I once thought it was, but inside of a glass fish bowl. The curved walls reflect themselves and the empty sea inside of it. I walk in a floating stride from the middle of the enclosure to peer out. Before I cup my hands to see through, I notice myself in the reflection and stop. It wasn’t that I was ten again, with my worn Speed Racer T-shirt, ripped blue jeans, and red Converse. My skin and features are sharp and jagged, light gleaming off the surface. I raised my hand to touch my face and winced as my clawed fingers grazed my cheek. A granular shimmer wafted and dispersed like starlight against the black backdrop. I was a crystal person and as it turns out, I could indeed be cut.

“______ are you there?”

I was brought back suddenly by the echoing voice of Dr. Barre.

“Yes, I’m here.”

“Good, Good! Are you in the fishbowl?”

“Yes, I’m looking out right now.”

“Okay, how are our surroundings? Is there anything unfamiliar there?”

She would ask this from time to time to see if anything new had manifested itself in my subconscious, she said it could often be a sign of progression. I never liked that. Progression to what? To the memories? The memories I explicitly asked not to visit? She always became vague whenever I’d ask her about this, “progression.” I know her game, so I lie when she requests new information.

“No, not this time,” I say as I clink my claws together.

“Oh, that's okay, maybe next session.”

Even under the waves of distortion I could hear the disappointment in her voice.

I smirked to myself, still looking at my crystal hand. Not today, bitch. As I stewed in my deceit, I looked up to survey myself again in the glass, but where I expected to see my newly armored body stood something else just over my shoulder. In the reflection, there stood a dark silhouette of a man on the other side of the bowl. He had no eyes or face to speak of, but I could tell that he was looking at me. Into me. My eyes began to water as the smell of rot filled my nose.

“_____! What’s going on? Can you hear me, you’re shaking!”

Her voice tore my eyes away from him. I was all at once aware of the resounding beating of my heart, I felt every vessel in my body throb. I heard the cracking of my knuckles as I squeezed them into fists, I could feel them threatening to shatter.

“_____! Come out now!”

I looked back at him and my stomach dissolved into dread when I saw that he had moved closer, his body still stark and looming in the middle of the bowl. A deep groan dripping with fear escaped from me as I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my neck. I grimace, trying to remember the recall word, for a moment closing my eyes.

He was closer now. Hot breath scratched at the back of my neck. There was nothing there, but I knew he was smiling beneath that black veneer. My fear was dissolving into something new, something familiar. Rage.

“_____, you HAVE to wake up!”

My face twisted into knots and I let out a scream as I raised my fist, punching the fish bowl where his reflection stood. A resounding clang ricocheted off the glass walls.

Nothing.

Then the etching sounds of cut glass as cracks began to crawl up the walls. The ground trembled. I looked back to see the figure standing with his head down, his shoulders trembling. Was he...Was he laughing? Crying?

"WHOOOSH!"

In one frenzied motion the sea that had been contained for so long flung me from where it had broken into the apparent nothingness that I’d silently feared from venturing.

As I fell the water fell with me, however it seemed to accelerate faster and faster past me until I floated some feet behind it. The void around me clung and ate at my skin, thick revulsion consumed me. Just as I thought death had come, I saw that the water had pooled into some vessel beneath me. Like lightning I struck it’s surface at last, it’s womb revitalizing what the darkness had tried to take.

Whatever moments of peace I had was cut abruptly short by another sensation of falling met with a dusty thud. I winced as I sat up and examined myself. I had been slightly chipped, I could see small glittering shards littered in the sand.

Sand?

I brought myself to my feet, my eyes met with a desert landscape with a black tar road running down the middle. The sandy rock was dotted with cacti and Brittlebushes while on it’s horizon loomed towering desert rocks with finger-like peaks reaching for the dusk, trying to climb away. What was strange, well stranger than all of it, was the stillness. No breeze, rustling, crawling. Completely devoid of life. The air was so stark I could hardly breathe. I started to make my way toward the road when I noticed something move. Two tumbleweeds rolled out of nothingness in a shutter, like a glitch. They disappeared and reappeared where they had started. The sky was glitching too. The clouds would roll to one side then it would reset to its perpetual rotation. I watched a bird glide over the same stretch of sky five times. Feeling myself slip into the maddening seduction of the soundless vacuum, I crouched down and cupped my face.

“This isn’t real, this isn’t forever. Just breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out-”

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

I choked on the stagnant air as I shot up to the first noise I had heard since I fell from the fish bowl. A spot of static had formed on the road a few yards ahead of me. It wavered like a mirage, gradient in color before flickering into an old powder yellow VW. It was my mother's car from when I was little, the one from the road trip. A crawling ran through me as I blinked at the materialization. It flickered a few final times before it joined the rest of the hellscape in surreal stillness. My footsteps echoed as I approached. A moment ago I would’ve been glad for any sound at all, but the lonely reiteration only deepened my anxiety. The car was worn and matte with strips of paint curling off at the edges. On the trunk I could see the spot where my brother and I had carved our initials. I traced my fingers over the crude etchings, remembering how mom said that she would keep dad from finding out. Dad found out anyway. He punched a hole in the wall that night.

Lost in thought, I’d almost missed the black figure that appeared in the back seat.

I jumped back, preparing myself for the shadow man to emerge from the car to finish where we'd left off, but it didn’t move. Cautiously, I rounded the car from a distance to see a little boy with his head down. It was my brother. I ducked my head to get a better look at him. He looked to be around six or so.

Six? Wasn’t he around that age when we left for the road trip? Is this supposed to be Arizona?

A hard knocking came from inside the car, startling me back. He hadn’t moved. His body wavered slightly just before the window began to fog up. Slowly, as if done with great care, letters written by an invisible finger were drawn on the glass.

"Where's Mom?"

The message faded. I stared at where the words had been and had barely begun to contemplate them when I heard a quiet raspy voice singing," you are my sunshine, my only sunshine…" I knew that song, mom would always sing it to us when we were little.

I swallowed a tangled mass of nerves and tried to call out but only managed a cracked whisper“...Mom?”

The singing stopped. I was a statue, holding my breath in petrified silence until the singing began again. I exhaled slowly, trying to ground myself. I walked tentatively to the other side of the car. There, sat on the pavement was my mother, or something like her. She was naked with skin that seeped like candle wax into fleshy folds that pooled on the desert floor. There was no end to her melting body, like a fountain recycling water. Her drooling gaze was fixed on the horizon while her smiling lips sang the eerie song that had once been such a comfort to me.

“Mom?”

She stopped singing and slumped her head in my direction. “Oh, ______, you’re here. Isn’t it beautiful?” She gestured a weeping arm, droplets of flesh hitting the ground.

“Yeah, uh, It’s definitely something…” my voice was hoarse.

She smiled and looked back to the sky.

“I always wanted to come here, you know? Such rustic beauty.” Her words lazed from her mouth.

“Uh huh...So are you feeling okay, mom?” I couldn’t think of anything else.

“Me? Oh, I’m fantastic! I’m finally free, free from it all, don't you know it? No one telling me what to do, what to eat or wear, or how to spend my time. It’s all mine now, ______.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I just nodded my head. We sat like that for a while before she spoke again.

“Do you remember feeding the ducks at the park when you were little? You and your brother loved to feed them, you’d beg me to go every day for months.” She gurgled out a chuckle.

I smiled, “Yeah, I remember, Stevie would almost fall in the lake every time, I’d have to grab him by his coat.”

“Aha! Yes yes, you were always so good at catching him,” Her laugh trailed off. I could feel something in the air change. It's emptiness was filling up with something piercing. Something sinister.

“Do you remember when you pushed him in?”

The hair raised on the back of my neck, “What?”

“I said,” Her head sloped around to look at me, and whispered, "Do you remember when you tried to drown him?"

I felt the blood drain from my face as I stared into her milky black eyes. Her features had shrunk and contorted into crude hateful lines that embellished what was now the most dreadful face I'd ever seen.

“No, I don’t rem-”

"LIAR!!!"

The words roared from her mouth that elongated as she screamed, her voice layered and deep. I could hear my brother start to cry. His cries were all around us, it was a symphony of wailing.

Chapped words fell from my mouth without my permission, " I really don't remember, mom."

Her mouth curled into a cruel smile, craning her neck to whisper inches from my face, her words dripping with contempt.

"Let me help you remember."

She outstretched her greasy melting limbs with unnatural speed, wrapping my head in suffocating globs of skin that wormed its way inside of my nose. When I thought I would die a stabbing image flashed through my mind. It was me, my hands were choking my brother, holding his tiny thrashing body beneath the thin layer of ice that covered the freezing January water. The stabbing flashes came in rapid succession as I watched myself in agony spit venom as I tried to kill my brother. I screamed, lending an opening for the flesh to force its way into my eyes and throat. Just before begging for death, it was as though I awoke back in front of my mother's twisted face. Free from her gripping mass, breathing.

Her face sat frozen in front of mine as silence fell all around us, our eyes locked. I felt like I was floating. She recoiled her neck and languidly turned her head back to meet the skyline. Tears began to stream down the creases of her dissolving face. They were viscous, dripping slowly down her jowls. The flesh was pooling faster and I had to crawl backward.

She sighed as if resigning from anger to disappointment, "Where did I go so wrong with you? What did I do to deserve this?" Her shoulders bobbed up and down as her weeping devolved into sobs.

I sat stunned, barely able to register what I was seeing before I looked up from her to see my brother's face, his mouth was slack, pouring grey water. His eyes were just two black holes.

“Oh, my god, please help my baby! Please help us! Oh my god!”

Her body dissolved, leaving just her wailing face on the surface of muck she had been reduced to before she and her cries sank down and disappeared inside. I took one more look into the piths of my brother's hollowed out eyes before the car flickered and vanished altogether.

I couldn’t move my gaze from where the car had been. The violent memory whirred through my head. I could feel hot bile threatening to burst from within me. My body wavered and I stepped back to steady myself, but my legs failed and folded beneath me. An extended hand shot out to break my fall, but shattered as it collided with the hot asphalt.

"FUCK!"

White hot pain surged through me. Every nerve ending set aflame, I barely felt the tears gush down my cheeks as I hugged the crystal nub to my chest. Tears of anguish gave way to screams. I bellowed out into the stale impotent mirage, “Goddamnit! Goddamnit, This isn’t real! This isn’t real!"

This isn’t real.

My eyes shot open with the rushing realization that it really wasn’t real. None of it. In all it’s hyper surreal madness, I’d almost completely forgotten that this was actually all in my head, a head that was currently resting on an Art Deco inspired throw pillow in Dr. Barre’s office with melodramatic whales singing to gongs. Hope ignited by the possibility of hearing that shitty music and smelling that musty pillow again drove me to my feet, the pain and terror suddenly an afterthought. What was the recall word? It was something stupid, I could remember that much. Why was it so hard to remember? We’ve done this so many times and I'd never forgotten until now. What was it? Desperately searching for the word, I almost missed a gleam in my peripheral. Snapping my head to the side, bracing myself for another horror to manifest, I saw the lightsource.

Levitating above the sandy Earth was a lightbulb.

Lightbulb. The recall word was lightbulb. I stared at it. Did I...Did I make that happen? The sooner I had thought it the lightbulb burst, raining thin shards of glass in every direction. I shielded my face. Fuck, I didn’t have time to think about this anymore. I had to get out of there.

“Lightbulb!”

Nothing. A nugget of panic swelled in my stomach.

“Dr. Barre? Are you there?! Lightbulb!”

Stillness loomed like a falling shroud. The panic grew heavier with every quiet second past.

“Lightbulb! Lightbulb! FUCKING LIGHTBULB, YOU GODDAMN BITCH!"

The tears came back in force as I fell to my knees. Oh my God, no. Please no. Please, not like this. With one last desperate breath, inwardly praying that she’ll hear it, I say, “lightbulb.”

I stare at the ground, waiting for nothing. I knew that this was it. There was no hope of getting out. This was probably always going to happen, for all the evil things that I’d transpired against others, this was the punishment. I was in hell.

"____, are you there?" My ears perked up.

Did I really just hear Dr. Barre’s voice?

“...Dr. Barre?”

I held my breath. The silence had become so loud, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to hear her over the pounding in my ears.

“ _____! Thank God! You weren’t responding for over half an hour!”

I bounded to my feet, beaming as tears of relief rolled down my face. Her voice sounded somewhat jumbled and far away, but it was her. Oh thank god it was her, come to save me from my sick sick mind.

“I can’t believe it, I thought I was locked in here forever,” My lips trembled as the weight of my potential fate fell over me, I sniffled, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“We’ll get you out. Just use the recall word I gave you.”

My face fell. “I don’t think it’s been working. I’ve said it a bunch of times and I can’t seem to get through. I don’t know what it is that’s blocking me.” I said, feeling stupid for being so insistent about being in charge of the recall word

“...I anticipated that this might happen, but don’t worry you can get yourself out. You’re in charge of your own mind, remember? I need you to think of a doorway. This doorway will be your transit back. Just relax your mind. Think of a doorway.”

Closing my eyes, I focus on my breath and concentrate on a door. The black behind my eyes swirled and danced in intricate loops. Etched from my mind's eye, I see the crystal sphere from Dr. Barre’s office. I feel its solid form. This is my door.

I open my eyes. In front of me in the distant desert sits a magnanimous orb dwarfing the rocky peaks that cower at its sides, blushing angular spires blooming from its center as if to ward off the surrounding nightmare.

“It’s here.” I say, entranced by its eerie majesty.

As I take my first step toward freedom, the landscape abruptly springs to life with gusts of wind, whisking sand into the electric air as thunder and lightning pummeled the rock. I run. Shielding my face from the calamity, I bolt for the sphere. I hear the foundation quake under my feet as I dash away from falling debris. Only a few yards from the orb, I dared to look over my shoulder to see the ground splintering and falling away. The sky glitched in and out and then altogether went black. With the shrinking earth at my heels and the wind clawing at my back, I knew I had to run faster! Faster! Feet from the orb I lunge feeling my foot slip on the last bit of rocky platform before it fell away into nothingness. Flailing, I pass through the orb.

“Dr. Barre!” I shot up. It was dark. Had she turned the lights off? I felt around in the inky darkness. It was soft. Blankets? I rolled the material between my fingers. It was a blanket. I was in bed. “Dr. Barre?” A strip of light flashed on outlining a door before it opened. I blinked against the light and rubbed my eyes. Remembering that my hands are crystal, I jerked my head away only to find that my hands were back to their formal flesh and bone and fully intact.

“So you’re awake.”

I look up. A dark silhouette stood against the yellow light of the doorway and gasped, remembering the shadow man from before.

“Jesus, don’t have a conniption. God, what do they do to you in that place?”

That voice.

“Stevie?”

His arms spread out in a theatrical way, like a magician before sawing his beautiful assistant in half. He flipped on the lights, a piece of pizza in hand. “That’s me.”

“ Oh thank God.” I cupped my face and ran my fingers through my hair. “I thought you were…”

“Thought I was…What? The boogeyman?”

I laughed, “Kind of.”

“Yeah, I bet. Mom said you had some kind of freak out at Dr. Barre’s and they had to haul your ass to the emergency room. When you started responding they discharged you. Well, mom discharged you with an ol’ Irish goodbye. That woman could pull a dead horse if it meant avoiding a hospital bill.”

“She still has to pay a bi-, you know what? Whatever. I don’t care.” I cupped my face again.

I dropped my hands and looked at him,“You seem to be in a good mood, despite my near death experience.”

“Mom got pizza.” He said with a mouth full.

“Show me the way.” I said as I slung my feet around to the floor. “Awe! What the-?”

The carpet was drenched and spongy with water.

“What is this?”

“Toilet’s broke again and flooded the entire house. Mom’s pissed, got a guy coming tomorrow.”

“Yeah, it smells rank. Thanks for the heads up by the way.”

“No problem,” He said, waving a hand as he turned and left the room. I think I liked it better when he feared me.

I followed him to the kitchen and snatched a slice. I was awash with relief. I didn’t care that our house was a piece of shit right now, or that my brother was being an asshole. I was out. Not only that, but I let myself out. It was empowering to know that I could do that. Maybe with more therapy and meditation the blackouts could stop completely. I hopped up onto the kitchen counter and took a triumphant bite of pizza.

“Where’s mom?”

“She said that she had to get some stuff for the leak. She said she’ll be back soon.”

“Cool.”

We sat and talked for a while, joking around like we used to. I never thought it would be like this again. It felt like I was finally back to normal. And even better, it seemed like WE were back to normal. We were talking. He was telling me about his day and it felt so natural. We even joked around a bit about our unfortunate, smelly situation. I drank it in. I choked up a few times, but played it off, not wanting to ruin the moment.

“Hey, toss me another slice,” I said in my coolest Boston accent.

Stevie frisbied a piece of pizza to me, but it fell short, landing on the kitchen floor with a splash.

“Agh, that was the last slice. You want something else? We’ve got twinkies.”

He turned on his heels towards the refrigerator, sloshing through the shallow water that blanketed the floor.

I stared at the pizza lying on the ground, or more or less floating above it as the water was now about three inches deep.

“I think we might have another leak or something, there’s definitely more water than before.”

“ I don’t think so, I’m pretty sure it’s been like that.”

“Stevie, I think you might be in denial here, the pizza you threw is literally floating into the hallway.”

It was true, the pizza had made it’s way into the living room and was making a beeline for the hallway.

“It’s honestly laughable, dude. This doesn’t even seem like it should be possible.”

As the last word left my lips, a cat emerged from the hallway bathroom, crossing over into the adjacent room. A prickle crawled up my spine and sat on the nape of my neck. We didn’t keep cats anymore.

“Hey, Stevie?”

“Yeah?”

“We didn’t get a new cat did we?”

"Not since you broke the last one’s neck.”

The cat came back out of the bedroom and turned in my direction. It’s head snapped to one side with an awful crunching sound that lingered in the air and was made louder by the echo chamber of the hallway. It seemed to go on forever. It’s eyes burned into mine as it let out a deep guttural yowl.

“Stev-!”

I whipped my head around and came face to face with my brother who stood only inches away from me. With his head tilted down, he looked up his brow at me, smiling maniacally with jagged yellowing teeth that weren’t his, the smell of rot radiated from him. I screamed and fell from the counter, splashing the ever rising water as I scrambled away from him.

His grin grew wider with an upward curve that facial muscles couldn't naturally make on their own.

How did I miss it? Everything had been like a dream where whatever paradoxical creature crawls in the peripheral seems like commonplace until you wake up and realize the absurdity of its presence. I was awake now but the dream wasn't over. I was still in it, I'd never left.

The dawning realization curled and sat like a stone in my stomach, anchoring me to the spot where the spectre who took my brother's form stared and smiled.

The tears swelled at the corners of my eyes and I heaved in and out. "I'm so tired, please I can't do this anymore. What do you want? What do you want from me?"

The thing stood unmoving. It's black hungry eyes cast down on me.

I crumpled into the water, hiccupping bursts of tears, "PLEASE! Tell me what you want! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Stevie! I was going to apologize to you! I remember what I did now and I'm so sorry! I just wanted to wait a little longer to tell you because I didn't know how you would react, I don't want to lose you again! Please forgive me!"

I dissolved into a heap of sobs, I could imagine myself sinking into my own fleshy puddle.

"I am not Stevie. I cannot forgive you."

The putrid smell intensified and squeezed my head when it spoke. I wretched threads of spit into the water.

"I am not sorry for what we did. Their anguish sustains me."

It was taking staggered shuttering steps, the water remained still under it's movements. I dragged the rock in my stomach as I shuffled back.

"No! To his is my mind, you're not welcome here! You're not welcome! Lightbulb, lightbulb, LIGHTBULB!"

"Looking for this?"

The sound of it's knarled fingers snapping produced another lightbulb that hung just above the water. It's yellow light danced on the surface. The water rippled, laughing at me.

"You are not in control here, _____. I am."

Clinching it's fist, the bulb shattered.

"Why do you think it is that you do not have a name?"

My head is swimming. What is my name?

"You're not real, _____. You never were, you are my creation to bleed. Your entire life, my little stuck pig"

Our hero's thoughts begin to run together and melt into pliable piles of simple neutrality. Their body followed in tow, it's person giving way back into the primordial waters where it sat.

"We'll play again someday. Maybe I'll even give you a name."