Mastermind Sketch

Here I am in this dark room sat by three strangers. In front of us is Magnus whose suit blends intonthe darkness. Behind us is an audience. I’ve done many things; I sang for Simon Cowell and Prince Charles, (when his dear mummy was still about);and ate kangaroo balls in a jungle. Nothing compared to this. The lights go on as the music played. The theme almost has a sense of doom now I’m on the other side of the screen.

Magnus faces the camera. “Good evening, you’re watching the tipsy turvy edition of Mastermind. Celebrities will be battling it out for £100,000 donation to a charity of their choice.”

I squeeze the chair handles. Please, I don’t want to be first. I zone out whilst they introduce the others, until the light shines on me.

“Let’s bring in our first contender.”

I gulp and make my way down the seat opposite Magnus. I really should not have worn this red dress - it’s too tight around my waist. Sitting down I bring my feet together.

Magnus turns to look at me. “Good evening, you’re name please.”

I cross my legs. “Good evening.”

Magnus takes the quiz cards from his desk. I can tell the camera is zooming in on me. I hope my wrinkles don’t show.”

“And you’re occupation?”

I try to keep a straight face. “May Ketchup.”

“So in the semi-finals your specialist subject was the number 69. This time you will be answering the question before the last one is that correct?

I nodd, trying to keep a straight face. “Glamour model.”

Magnus laughs. “I’m sure you’re an expert on this. You have two minutes on the clock and we will start…now! What is heamotology?”

I nod. “Yes, that’s right.”

Magnus ignores the cackling audience. “Correct. What does anata wa kawaii desu mean in Japanese?”

I talk slowly. “It is a study of blood.” This is harder than it sounds.

“Correct. How does James Bond like his Vodka Martini?”

“You’re cute.”

“Correct. Which British girl group released the album, Angels With Dirty Faces in 2002, that featured the songs; Round, Round & Freak Like Me?”

“Shaken , not stirred.”

“Correct. Who replaced Boris Johnson as Prime Minister after he resigned in 2022?”

“The Sugababes.”

“It was indeed. In the video game series, Animal Crossing which vegetable spoils if unused after 7 days?”

“Liz Truss!”

“Correct. Who was the lead singer of Nirvana until his death in 1994?”

“Turnips!”

“It is indeed. Who’s the current head of the Catholic Church and has been so since the abdication of Pope Benedict?”

“Kurt Cobain.”

“Correct. What British sitcom character played by Rowan Atkinson lived alone in Flat 2, 12 Arbour Road with his teddy bear?”

“Pope Francis.”

“That’s right. Who was voted the sexiest man alive by People’s Magazine in 2022?”

“Bean,” I mumble.

Magnus tilts his head. “I need the first name as well please.”

I stutter. He dosen’t really have a first name. So I blurt out, “Mister!”

“That’s correct. In the South Park Movie featuring Sudan Hussien in a romantis relationship with Satan, who sings the song, Kyle’s Mom?”

“It could be…Chris Hemsworth.”

“Correct. Which Shakespeare character, says the line: is this a dagger which I see before me?”

“That would be Eric Cartman.”

“Yes, that is correct. Which musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber is based on the 1910 novel written by Gaston Leroux, that also features the character Madame Giry?”

“Scottish bloke!”

Magnus raises his eyes. “Yes, what Scottish bloke?”

“Macbeth.”

“Correct. Complete this line from Pride & Prejudice…” The buzzer goes off. This has been the longest two minutes of my life. Now I await the legendary catchphrase. “I started, so I’ll finish.” It has a somber effect hearing it live in the flesh. “Complete the line, It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be…

I resist the temptation to belt it out in a broken soprano voice. “The Phantom of The Opera!”

“Correct.” I just about manage to hear Magnus with the applause. “Well done, you’ve scored 14 points with no passes.”