Love Is To Die For

I remember the first time he told me he didn't love me anymore. It felt as if someone had took a knife to my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep it felt as if a part of me had been chunked away at the speed of light and it was too fast for me to catch it. The second time he told me he didn't love me, it hurt. It hurt so bad, but it was much easier to digest. Finally the third time was my wake up call it was what I needed in order to see that I needed to leave. I am worth much more than this, and no one should ever treat me less of what I am. So I did. I left. I packed up my stuff got into my little beat up 99' car and hit the road. I didn't know where I was going, I stole some money from his savings it's the least he could do. For the first time in a long time I had adrenaline, I was excited. I had the windows down, hair going crazy, but I was smiling. I was smiling bigger than I had ever smiled in the whole life that I could actually remember. My first thoughts were to go back home to ma and pa, but I wasn't ready to face everyone just yet. I needed some time for me, to find myself, they would hear about me leaving of course but no one is going to know where I go where I end up. It's a new start to my new life wherever I end up tonight is where I will begin my journey, I just kept on driving.

This town looks a little sketchy but I need to fuel up and there's no way I'm going to push my luck today not uh, I have no idea where I'm at. I admit it, i'm scared. I pull into the very first gas station that I see and there isn't too many people and the flickering light pole is reminding me of those old horror movies I used to watch as a kid. I get a pit in my stomach and check my surroundings with my luck there wouldn't be not one other store in this damn town. God be with me I see one. I decide to keep driving until I reach the Loves travel stop, I could barely see the sign but I knew it was there. I pull in fix myself up and head inside to pay at the register. The cashier was nice, a young boy maybe in his early twenties. It's nice to see new faces, it's nice to be outside period. I didn't go out much see, I was a house wife. It went from feeling in love and happy to abandoned, imprisoned, lonely. I was alone and I couldn't stand it anymore. I wasn't just some bitch you could come home to at the end of the night and ignore. Wash your clothes, cook your dinner, and get yelled at when some thing wasn't done perfect. Sometimes it felt like he hated that he had to come home to me and not to the girl he was obviously falling in love with. I just don't understand why he couldn't tell me, if I am not wanted let me go. Let me be free but no, for some reason he wanted me there. He had mind tricks, he knew what to say, what to do. Every time I tried to leave he would cry, beg, he would even beat himself up how pathetic. I did nothing but love that man now I am deserving to live my life and be happy, and free! I fill up and get back on the road. I noticed the same maroon Escalade that was parked next to me at the gas station is going in the same direction. Sometimes I wonder if there is other people at this exact moment doing the exact same thing. Leaving. Finding them selves picking up with no clue and just leaving. Just vibe with the music hair blowing all over the place it feels good.

The road can only go so far until you start to over think, and think, and think. It met me, I just left the man I grown to love, I don't know anyone, I have no clue where i'm at. Should I just turn back I felt so ridiculous in that very moment. I felt weak. I was crying my eyes out, singing the most depressing music I could find. I know how pathetic of me, but whatever it was a coping method. They say the good out ways the bad, and yes it does but what happens when the good no longer out ways the bad? What happens when it all goes to shit and you just sit there and deal with it. No one talks about the abuse, the infidelity, poor mental health. This man once was everything I ever wanted in a guy, and I was the girl he wanted. He did everything for me, and always made sure I was okay. I guess the new girl in his life just couldn't stay away. Maybe she didn't even know about me, but I do have to admit she is pretty I understand why he would cheat one me. Maybe I would too. After being sad for so long and dealing with depression while literally being left alone, not ever asked how you are, no one to talk to because you decided to pack up and leave your life for this man. This man who is no longer deserving of you.

About 6 hours in my phone starts to buzz and before I can even check who it is my stomach turns into knots. I was scared to check, but I did. It was 3 in the morning and he wasn't awake. I left as soon he had got into bed which was about 9 pm. It was him, I didn't want to answer so I blocked his number and locked my phone put it down and let the music play. I made sure the locations on my phone were off yes he was that crazy. He always knew where I was, what I was doing, who I was around. It's like he no longer wanted me but couldn't dare to have anyone else have me. I didn't understand it.

A part of me is glad we never had children although we both wanted them badly and tried as much as we could. We tried for about 3 years and I was devastated each time I got my period. It never failed the heart break I felt when I would only see one red line and not 2. It was for a reason, and for that I am grateful. It was so much easier to get away now, there was nothing holding me back anymore. I was ready to live my new life, explore, and just find the new me. Nothing can stop me.