Losing Myself To Find Myself

Day 4380, 0645:

Though it has only been a short time, I barely remember the past. As I look up to the sky, I remember it not being a hazy yellow/burnt orange inferno, but a happier color. I can almost picture it. What color was it before all this? I dreamt the same thing again; loud explosions, tremors that shook the ground, and the annoying siren that sent ripples through the falling debris raining down on us. Hard to believe that was 12 years ago. I will continue writing after I do my patrol.

Day 4380, 1945:

I am back. While patrolling I found something shiny gleaming from under the rubble near the spot our home used to be. I know that is a ways away from the normal area, but I just wanted to come back and see if I could scrounge anything up from the past worth holding onto. After all this time, I thought I had lost it! My heart-shaped locket necklace! I opened it up and barely recognized the man in one of the pictures. He had rushed to my bedside and whisked me and my siblings away mere seconds before our house collapsed. My father; my hero. I wish he were here to tell me what to do. Instead, I am in charge of my siblings. Though they thankfully pull their weight around here. I seriously have no idea why I am keeping a diary, but it gives me a place to unburden myself; so I shall keep writing, knowing full well no one will ever read this later. I do not wish to think of this, but the current world we live in is one of chaos. We have no law, no government, no order. People kill just so they can have water or food. We have to stay on guard. The air is of poor quality, ground barren, hardly any animals left in this Godforsaken world. Though we do have our dog, Colt, a German Shepherd. He is family, not food.

Day 4381, 1200:

After lunch report. I can’t believe how many journals I’ve kept and lost along the way. Twelve years’ worth. Of all that, I think I have maybe three full journals in my possession. Enough dwelling though. I lost one of my siblings today; my brother. We were in a turf war with some bandits who not only wanted our hideout, but also everything we had. I went into a frenzy and eradicated them. Now it is just my sister, Colt and me. I feel as if I have become numb to everything. I’m not even torn up about his death. I mean, God! He protected us so we could run. He sacrificed himself, but I feel nothing. Should I feel something? I mean, it’s the world we live in now; people killing over the smallest of things. I’m going to take a break from writing and go get some "fresh" air.

Day 4831, 2145:

It’s funny, we used to think that we would never get used to wearing masks in our day-to-day functions, yet here we are going to sleep with them on our faces. The first day we were told to wear them, the sky was brimming with ash, dust and debris from everything having been engulfed in flames and blown to bits. This sort of thing was never something I would have ever dreamt of, yet here we are. I’m not sure how much longer we can keep running and living in fear. We had settled down for a bit, but raiders came and destroyed our shelter, so we ran. We haven’t trusted anyone enough to let our guard down. Maybe we will find a place. We need to find a place, soon. We are running out of everything; down to one ration a day, six sips of water for an entire day per person, though that’s not saying much. It is just my sister, Colt and I. though I do not know how much longer Colt will be with us. He is loyal, but he is getting weaker by the day. I fear the worst for him. I fear for all of us. For now, however, I shall rest my eyes and try to sleep.

Day 4382, 0645:

Another day. Another fight. While on nightly patrol I shot a couple intruders. After having gone through their belongings, I took what was needed and discarded everything else. This is the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane in these dark times. Try as I might, I can’t shake the feeling that something bad is going to happen. Going to make sure everything is fine.

Day 4382, 1200:

Our dog died defending us today. At least he is in a better place and not this Hellhole. This also means one less mouth to feed and provide water for. Again, I know I should feel something, but I feel nothing. Even my sister has become numb. We both kill without remorse, but such is the world we live in. everyone thinks we are both weak since we are female, but that is where they are wrong. That is how we have survived in such a cruel world. For now, I shall end this entry.

Day 4382, 1900:

Thankfully today hasn’t been terribly eventful. In our hideout, we have the advantage to see everything that is happening around us and there is only one entrance and exit. We stumbled across this gem about a month and a half ago. We disposed of the previous inhabitants. They were a nuisance. I am so glad we found this place; it has saved us countless times. I am going to do rounds.

Day 4383, 2200:

Today was, thankfully, boring. I would have written earlier, but my sister wanted to go out and explore and stay by my side. It was nice to have the company of someone I care about. We spent the whole day just rummaging and reminiscing of days gone by. That brought up some much needed happiness, especially in the times we live now. Rounds are completed, sister is asleep. Our weapon of choice, since we have long since run out of ammunition, is a sharp blade. Easy to use, easy to clean, easy to sharpen, much easier to carry as well. Not to mention they are also a lot quieter than a gun. Nothing happened on rounds, so that is why I am talking about completely random things. On a random side note, I really miss ice cream. Or anything sweet for that matter. Aside from food, a nice shower would also be sweet and refreshing. In the old world, we would still be considered children. In this world though, we are adults. My sister is fifteen and I am seventeen. Our brother was twenty. For now, though, I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Until tomorrow…

Day 4384, 0545:

I am so lost right now. In the middle of the night there was a confrontation and my sister lost her life in the chaos. I am all alone in this forsaken world. I have nothing to live for, so nothing is holding me back. Don’t get me wrong, I will not take my life, but I do not care any longer what the outcome is. Even though I have become numb, I feel a bit sad. No tears, no heartache, but loneliness is definitely there. So this will be my escape. I shall be writing a whole lot more in the days to come. I will also be talking to myself a lot more. Though now I guess I have a lot more supplies that will last me a good long while. Should I bury the body, or leave it out and let other animals have it for food? If I bury the body, it will just be unburied the next day. I shall strip it of everything, so nothing is useful to anyone but the animals.

Day 4384, 1200:

The body has been left out in the middle of nowhere close to where I reside. On my journey back to my now lonely abode, I ran into several groups of bandits. Sad to report that they didn’t survive. On a good note, I now have more weapons and more food and water. Now I can rinse myself off. Too bad no one could be here to enjoy this with me. As soon as I am done with my rinse, I shall take a nap. Why be on guard when you don’t care? All I can say now is that I do not care. If I die, I will be reunited with my family; mom and dad, brother and sister. Let’s not forget about Colt either. I’m sure they’re all waiting for me. Perhaps I had to lose everything in order to find out who I truly am. Until next time, this is Maya signing off.