Lilith’s Decent

She opened the envelope with trembling hands. Salvation - she had never had such a firm understanding of the word. Addressed to her in fine calligraphy, the insurance company had spared no expense. It smelled, felt, and even tore like real paper, not the shoddy fake substitute she had to use at work in the government building. Inside was a check for more money than she would make in five years of working. She stared then started crying - her emotions sweeping around like a leaf in a storm, its directionality constantly changing by the slightest of influences.

“Mom, is something wrong?” her eldest son Lance asked coming into the living room, having just come home from work. Shaking her head no she continued, nay increased, her weeping. He grabbed the paper and almost fainted at the amount of zeros. “Mom, this is for Lilly right?” All she could do was shake her head yes and think about how horrible her job and this situation was. Life insurance - a concept where others get paid for the death of another. Ironically named and so strict with the conditions and payouts that it’s hard to get anything covered but the funeral. She stared at the gold heart shaped locket that had been her daughter’s and cried even harder remembering the day she died.

Lilliana, Lilly for short, was one of Lilith’s six children. She wasn’t the youngest or the oldest but buried in the middle, so she was often overlooked. As pretty as her mother but as smart as her late father, people often said she was blessed twice. What no one knew was that God may have blessed her in some ways, but the devil came and cursed her with Leukemia. Being a single mother, forced to work for the Government as all adults nowadays were, Lilith could not afford the expenses that came with that. Nothing was privatized anymore, and everything was under the arm of Big Brother. While this had increased the standard of living for the lowest class, it lowered it for all others. Standard became what used to be poor, poor stayed the same, and the homeless were ever increasing. Not even the rich were spared and soon became the same as everyone else.

Lilith had been taking one of the few walks she was allowed to have with Lilly outside the hospital. She had splurged and bought the two of them ice cream, just simple dipped cones. She pondered how the ice cream was such a good metaphor for their existence. There was a hard shell meant to protect and conceal the softer more vulnerable parts of human existence. Speaking literally, we have skin to protect our innards. Speaking metaphysically, something cannot hurt your emotions unless you let it through your shell. If some stranger tells you something mean, it is easy to ignore, whereas if it is someone you love, it can shatter your shell and leave you exposed.

“Mom, are you ok?” asked Lilly as Lilith’s ice cream had fallen and spilled all over the sidewalk.

“Yes, Honey, I am fine - just thinking about work and how we have more and more people switching careers. As if mail isn't interesting and important. Not everything can be sent digitally you know. Then again it's not like the government gives you many choices, can’t be what you want to be, only one of the jobs that suits your aptitudes.”

“I know, Mom. You tell us all the time that sometimes the old ways are best.”

“You’re darn right.”

“Why do you always call me ‘Honey’ but none of my siblings?” her daughter looked up at her adoringly.

“Well, that has to do with your name. It means innocence. That’s why the simple innocent flower was nicknamed the same as you, Lilly. Bees, my favorite insect, take nectar from that cute little flower and turn it into honey, my favorite flavoring.” While saying, “cute little flower” she tickled her daughter to see joy. With Lilly being sick all the time, it was rare to get a moment of joy, and Lilith wanted one to hold on to forever.

Soon they stopped on a bridge covered in locks. “Mom, why are we here?”

“When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a history teacher. I loved how ancient people used symbols and other things to convey more than can be shared with just words. What do you want to be when you grow up, Honey?”

“Well I think I want to be a mailer just like you, ‘cause you are my favorite person ever.”

Lilith teared up a little. “That’s nice, Honey. This bridge is used by people to lock up promises and secrets to each other. I figured we would do one of each today - a promise and a secret.” Taking a lock out of her purse, she grabbed her daughter's small hand, and together they locked it on the bridge. “The promise is that we will do anything for our family. The secret is what really happens here today.” With that she pushed her daughter off the bridge and into the rush of busy traffic below.

She timed it so the girl was hit and killed instantly, a small kindness in an otherwise cruel act. It was so much better than dying slowly, agonizingly of sickness, but even that rationalization did not stop her tears. She did not need to do any acting as she was truly heartbroken, and she cried for days over her little girl.

However with the financial burden lifted, her family would no longer be starving. The other kids could stop working full time while being full time students. They could eat more than 500 calories a day. If her daughter died because of the illness, she would only be able to afford to cremate her and not even have a service; this way Lilly's death was easier and even helpful. Lilith told herself this over and over again, but it did not stop the tears. She cried so much, she thought she was crying blood at one point like the demon or devil that she was. Filicide, the murder of one’s own child - probably the worst sin of them all, but Lilith was damn sure she would not let her daughter’s sacrifice be in vain.

“Mom?” Lance was worried about his mother, as she had not been the same since Lilly’s death, but without children of his own, he could never even try to relate to her pain.

“I am fine, Lance, just remembering my last promise to your sister.”

“What was that?”

“That she would not die without a purpose and that like this locket says...” she opened the locket. Inside was a picture of the whole family: all six kids and both parents. On the lid of the locket was engraved in a bold font, ‘Salvation.’ “Salvation is being saved from your sins and that is what family is - a safety net to fall back on. It is also the deliverance from harm, and her death has done that for us fiscally.”

At that moment, Lance had an epiphany and understood what had really happened to Lilly. Lance was disgusted with his mother and saw nothing but greed incarnate. He grabbed the locket and took the check walking to the hearth.

“What are you doing, Lance?”

“Lancelot is my full name, Mother. The name of a hero - given to me so I would always have the strength to do what is right.” With that, he threw them into the fire, his belly rumbling and hurting as he did so, but starvation would be a just ending to his mother’s evil. “Salvation is what family can offer, but with your actions, all you’ve done is lose yours.”

For ten long years, Lancelot cared for his younger siblings, the lesson of his mother’s sins burned into his memory. Whenever his siblings inquired as to where their mother had gone, he could not bring himself to tell them the truth of her descent into madness; instead he told them that she loved her family and was away doing everything she could for them. Although a lie, it was one he could live with. They could read the police report or maybe even visit her when they were old enough to understand. Until then, he would be their salvation.