Krampus on Campus

‘Twas the night before winter break. The Deltas were having one last hurrah before everyone went home for the holidays. It would be a party of epic proportions. This was the fraternity that invented the '100 proof enema’ and ‘donkey dong roulette.’ Deltas were notorious for their grotesque hazing rituals and a rash of sexual assault accusations.

The accusations were dismissed as just rumors with misogynistic hand waving of 'boys will be boys.' The party was a huge success, if you could call it that. The frat house was full to the rafters with frat boys chugging beer and bourbon whisky while scores of carefree coeds sipped vodka cranberry cocktails from red solo cups.

The forecast called for snow, but inside dozens of drunken white kids were sweating and heaving their bodies together to explicit rap music in sloppy irregular rhythms. Their numbed senses and tunnel vision allowed an even darker presence to slip in unnoticed.

Witnesses described the intruder as “a fucked up version of Santa Claus,” a horned demon with a long pointy tongue and cloven hooves. He carried a big empty sack on his back and used a birch rod to inflict vicious beatings. The frat brothers (no strangers to the paddle) found this weapon to be especially harsh on their pale freckled buttocks. Screams could be heard by a neighboring Sorority house. The demon carried out punishments swift and thorough, until blood trickled down their legs and exhaustion made them go limp. Then the devil crammed the bloodied broken bros into his sack, hoisted it over his shoulder, and vanished into the night.

There would be no coal in the stockings on Krampusnacht.