Introspection

Snow was piling up on the window ledge. It fell in large clumps from a darkened sky. Maggie watched from her favorite cozy chair, warmly wrapped in a blanket. It was early January and she was glad to have the frenzy of the holidays behind her. There was a lot that had been bothering her, deep down inside. Today she finally had the time and space to gather her thoughts. What was she feeling? What was causing this nagging, gut-wrenching anxiety that she couldn’t seem to shake? For weeks she had felt strange… dispassionate, discouraged, depressed. She just couldn’t seem to lift herself back up.

As she allowed herself to feel, the thoughts came pouring down faster and much heavier than the snow outside. This was a turning point. A mid-life crisis. She was looking at what was behind and what lay ahead simultaneously. Both directions caused her a fair amount of panic. Wading through her past felt like trudging through waist deep mud. Failure. So many times she had tried, so many times she had failed. Why? Was she lazy? Could she not follow through on her well-drawn-out plans? Or… was it something else? Perhaps, those plans were not what she was MEANT to do with her life. It was true that she still hadn’t found her purpose, her personal mission. Maybe there was a greater calling she needed to answer. But what?

Everyone was talking about the new year. Maggie scoffed… “new year… how about a new life!” she said aloud. It was time for change, she could feel that in her bones. But change was hard, and scary. She wasn’t sure what exactly needed to change or how to go about it. Her heart started to pound and she couldn’t breathe. It felt as if someone was choking her. Another panic attack. Maggie knew from experience that it was best to get up and do something, anything, to help stop the attack. Something as simple as sweeping the floor or folding laundry would help. She saw dirty dishes in the sink and set about washing them, feeling the warmth of the water and softness of the bubbles on her hands. Her breathing eased and her heart rate slowed. But she was hesitant to sit back down. Perhaps a change of scenery would help.

The snow was letting up. Maggie packed her laptop, bundled herself tightly and headed outside. Her favorite coffee shop was just a few blocks away, she could walk there. The cold air was refreshing, Maggie breathed it deep into her lungs. Snow flakes melted on her face and stung a bit, like small needles. It was quiet. Everyone seemed to be heeding the weatherman’s warnings and staying home. Maggie hoped the coffee shop would be open.

Lucky for her, it was. The warm glow of the lights in the window were a welcome sight. Maggie opened the door and heard the nostalgic ding of the bell as she walked in, greeted by the warm smell of coffee and cinnamon buns. She ordered her favorite coffee and a cinnamon bun, then took her seat by the window. This hadn’t changed. Maggie had been coming to this little coffee shop for many years. She always ordered the same thing and always sat at this table by the window. She was comforted by the familiarity of this routine. “Maybe not everything has to change,” she thought.

Intending to do some journaling, Maggie pulled out her laptop and set it on the table. She sipped her coffee while she waited for it to boot up. Journaling would help bring some focus to the chaos in her mind and hopefully lead to some sense of direction. But her journaling program wouldn’t open. Instead she got a pop up window that said, “Reset Your Password”. Maggie sighed heavily and flopped back in her chair. Tears welled up in her eyes, as she fought the urge to cry. Nothing had been going right lately and this little setback was just too much for her to handle right now.

As she stared at the screen, her eyes focused on the word “Reset”. She needed to reset more than her password, she needed to reset her life. What would make her happy? What would bring back a sense of joy and fulfillment? What did she NEED? Whatever it was, Maggie wasn’t going to find the answer today. She needed more time to think, to relax. She needed to go somewhere safe, familiar and comforting. She needed to talk to a trusted friend. She needed to go home for awhile… not home to her apartment, but home where she grew up, home to the little cottage near the beach where her parents still lived. Maybe she would find some answers there.