Icy Premonitions

It always started the same way… first I would hear the crack! And then I’d feel the ice shift beneath my feet, and then it was as if I was sucked into the emptiness of the frozen water beneath. I can still feel daggers stabbing into my skin… but the worst part is the choking. When the breath is stolen from my lungs, replaced by brutal cold, freezing me from the inside out. Sometimes I swear I can even feel the moment my heart beats for the last time…

And then I wake up.

I’ve had the dream off and on since I was 10. The dream always seems to happen right before someone was stolen from my life. The first time it happened, was when my brother was in his accident… it was November, and his car slipped on ice and flew off the overpass and went into the water.

I remember thinking I’d caused it… that my dream had been a premonition. Somehow, without meaning to, my dream had killed my big brother. What else could’ve made sense? With some counseling I started to get over it, realizing I literally couldn’t have killed my brother… but there was always that nagging feeling in my mind, similar to the feeling of ice filling my lungs.

The next time was when I was 13… when my dad died. December… he was walking home from the bar after a work party—we only lived two blocks away, so he should’ve been ok. But he was struck by a drunk driver and dragged into the Thompson’s frozen pond. I never saw him again… and it was my fault. Once more I blamed myself… for his death, for my mother’s nightly sobs, for the emptiness in my soul.

The last time, I was 17…. My best friend died. He was playing ice hockey with some other kids at the large ice-skating rink created over Hector Millington’s pond. All these freaking ponds… Jesus. Four people died that day… including Tommy. In 25 years, that ice had never broken at Hector’s house. Everyone always swore his pond was the safest to skate on in the county. But that day—January 13th— four teens died.

Since then, the dream hadn’t happened again. My loved ones have been safe for the last 7 years… but last night the vision came back again, stealing my breath and threatening all that I hold dear. I’d kept my distance for years from people, hoping maybe that would save the unsuspecting people in my life, but I knew that sometime today one of the two people I love would be stolen.

My boyfriend Conner came to my house first thing this morning, telling me he had an amazing plan for us today. Now I’m sitting in the car with tears in my eyes as I stare out at the frozen pond in front of me… “Why are you crying, Odette?” Conner said gently, compassion dripping from his voice as he wraps me up in his arm, “You told me you had never been ice skating. I thought today would be the perfect time for you to try it!”

I can’t breathe… how do I tell him about these dreams without sounding insane? How could I convince him? I let out a fast breath, trying to calm the flurry of terrifying emotions raging through me,

“I’m actually afraid of skating on ponds. Could we maybe find something else to do…?” I force out in a tiny voice.

I feel his arm stiffen on my shoulder and he sighs, “Oh… I’m so sorry babe… I should’ve just asked, I just wanted to do something special. Could we maybe go for just a moment? I just left something down there…” he says with a little smile.

I have avoided ice since I was 10… but as I stare into Conner’s beautiful green eyes, I just… I can’t disappoint him. I have let these dreams control me for most of my life… maybe it was time to get over it? “Ok…” I mutter.

We walk carefully down the snowy path, our feet slipping and sliding down the slope, but feeling his hand in mine somehow makes me feel safer than I have in years. Maybe the dream is just a dream? Maybe it’s not an omen of death…?

We get down to the edge of the pond, and I’m beyond confused when I see my mom standing there with his parents. Everyone is smiling, but a sinking feeling fills my gut. I slowly look to Conner, “What is this all about?” I whisper to him.

He grins back at me, taking both of my hands in his, “Since you’re nervous about the pond, I won’t take you out there like I planned, but please just wait here a moment and I’ll be back.”

He lets go of my hands but it feels like I’m watching in slow motion as he moves towards the pond, his snow boots sliding across its pearlescent surface. I’m unfortunately not surprised when I hear something cracking, seemingly beneath his feet. I question nothing as I start gliding over the surface in a panic, refusing to let it happen. Everything feels familiar, as if this already happened before. Conner stops in the middle, picking something up, and I somehow know I’m not going to be fast enough.

It’s the screams from shore that alert me it’s coming. I don’t look at them though, I keep my eyes on Conner as I see the surface cracking all around him. He doesn’t realize it yet, caught up in whatever it is he went to grab. “Conner!” I scream at him when I’m still too far away. He turns to me, eyes filled with love and devotion, and then panic when he feels the ice shifting. I watch him as he looks down at his feet, but I refuse to see the acceptance that I know I will see in his gaze. Conner can’t die. I won’t let him… I can’t let him.

I jump without thought, forcing out my body with all my might so that I can push him out of the way. I’m stunned when I feel my hands make contact with his firm body. He gasps, but I hear him sliding away. I lay on the cracking surface, my heart pounding, grateful tears pouring down my cheeks as I look back at him. I saved him… finally, I saved someone. But there is pure horror in his eyes when the ice shatters beneath me, pulling me beneath the surface.

The dream prepared me for this moment, and though I always assumed this moment would be terrifying, I find I’m not scared. At least I saved Conner… I guess it’s ok if I don’t make it. I feel the pressure building up in my chest, my throat filled with icy water stabbing into my lungs. And just like I remembered in the dream, the water takes over everything, turning my world from blue to black as my eyes close. I feel my heartbeat slowing, and I know this is it… and it’s ok.

Maybe the people I love will finally be safe… maybe this curse can end with me. That’ll be ok… I’m alright with that.