I Waited

It all started 34 years ago, when I met the most handsome man I had ever seen. I was standing in the corner of a bar my friends dragged me out to, a little nervous and uncomfortable. But, I resisted the urge to set my half empty drink on the sticky bar covered in booze and sugar, and walk home for the evening.

I could see my best friend Barbara, or "Barb," dancing on the disco floor, brunette hair wild and free, bangs sticking to her sweaty brow, swaying in the arms of a hairy-chested man. I could also see Louise from where I was standing, flirting with an older man at the bar, probably trying to score a free drink or two. She was beautiful and used it to her advantage. Blonde hair curled and frizzed out in perfection, blue shadow smeared across her lids that made her silvery gray eyes pop, and lusciously red lips, that could speak sweet nothings.

I on the other hand looked quite plain next to them. They looked they just jumped off the cover of a magazine. They did jazzercise and Pilates, wore their shoulder pads just right, and had curves in all the right places. I was short, a little chubby no matter how many jazzercise classes they pulled me to, and no matter how hard I tried my flat brown hair could never hold a curl. Hairspray couldn't hold it, no matter what Louise said.

There I stood in the corner, sipping my melted drink. I just wanted to go home. Maybe Brian was calling, asking to take me back. I didn't want to be here. The last two years couldn't have just meant nothing to Brian, he couldn't have just walked away from me, from us! We were going to be married! Until he told me he slept with his secretary from work. He told me to pack my things and to leave, that Cheri was moving in. They were having an affair and decided it was time for them to move up to the next step. I felt like my world had fallen apart.

Just as I took the last slurp of whatever concoction Barbara had insisted I try, I decided I was done for tonight. I didn't want to dance. the music was loud and blaring, I just wanted to go home. I walked to the counter and dropped off my glass, I tapped Louise on the shoulder and told her I was headed back home.

"But why Annie? It's still early, its only 10 o'clock! You haven't given anyone a chance!" She whined at me, old man forgotten.

"I'm just tired, I had to work a long shift today at Randall's, and what if Brian calls? I need to be there in case he calls." I told her.

"Annie, he isn't coming back. Look, I didn't want to tell you this, but him and Cheri are engaged, she's pregnant with his baby. It's time to move on." She is holding my hand but I don't feel it. The room begins to spin and my knees begin to shake. How can that be possible? It's only been two months since Brian kicked me out! How could they be engaged, pregnant? We had plans! "Hey! Annie, are you okay?" I heard Louise ask me but her voice just swirled with the music.

"She may need to sit down." The old man told her. I just felt my body move and be propped into a hard plastic chair. I see worried faces, Louise, now Barb, and other random women and men, all looking concerned. Colorful flashing lights turned their concerned faces into masks of evil and the music didn't sound like the fun upbeat groove it did just moments earlier. It all just was too much.

I stood up and ran for the door, pushing past everyone, not caring if I knocked anyone down. In my haste and confusion and overwhelmed state, I didn't see the broad back of a man blocking my way to the exit. I slammed into something hard and warm, falling back onto my bottom, feeling the grit and grime of the floor under my hands.

"I'm so sorry ma'am" this deep, manly voice said. His hands grabbed my shoulders and lifted me up onto my feet. "Are you okay?" he asked. That's when I looked up and saw his handsome face. Thick brown hair flopped onto his forehead, deep tanned skin, rich brown eyes surrounded by thick eyelashes, broad eye brows, and full lips that looked so kissable.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I have to go." I pushed past his white sports coat and bolted for the door. I heard a faint "wait!" as I ran, but I couldn't focus on that. I just needed out of there. As I ran out the door, the warm balmy air of the approaching summer hit me, and I took a deep breath. I hailed a taxi and jumped in. I told the man my address and sat back. My thoughts kept swirling as the lights of Manhattan raced past me. Soon enough I was at the flat that Louise and Barb shared that they graciously invited me to stay at since their last roommate just moved out and they needed another roommate to afford this place.

I slipped off the sequined jumpsuit Louise let me borrow and the heels Barb let me borrow. I jumped in the shower and washed the dirt and sugar sweet stickiness and sweat off me, and got into my pajamas. I heard the front door click open and heard Barb and Louise in the living room. I ignored them and just went to sleep, I could deal with it in the morning.

The next morning Barb had already run off to work, having been called into the early shift at the hospital. But Louise was standing in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. "Hey, I was wondering when you were going to get up. I made coffee, you want some?"

I shook my head but sat at the bar, I looked at Louise, "How did you find out about Brian and Cheri?" I asked.

She sighed and set down the paper. "I went and bought the paper like I normally do every morning and I was reading through the announcement pages. They announced not only their upcoming nuptials but had made a pregnancy announcement as well. Sounds like a shotgun wedding to me, but what do I know?" She took a drink of her coffee, "Anyways, I asked Barb if I should say something, but we both agreed it was best you didn't know. We thought you would move on, but last night I just saw you there, ignoring every person who even looked your way and felt like you needed to know. I'm sorry Annie."

I nodded absentmindedly. I was going over every detail of the last few months Brian and I were together. It all began to add up: the late nights, the work trips that were last minute, the secret phone calls, everything. I wondered how long their affair had been going on without me knowing. How naïve was I?

"But hey," Louise said, pulling me from my thoughts, "that guy you bumped into last night. He gave me his number, told me to give it to you. He was really cute Annie. Maybe give him a call?" She winked at me.

"I don't know Lou, I just found out that my ex was cheating on me and is getting married to his secretary. I don't think I'm ready." I put my head down on the bar.

"Annie Marie Johnson, you are a grown woman and deserve to have some fun! Who said you needed to marry the guy!? Just go out, have dinner, go dancing, enjoy yourself. Plus he was really cute!" She shook me and made me look at her. "You got this! It doesn't hurt to try!" She walked to the purse hanging by the door and grabbed a piece of paper from one of its pockets. "Here, give him a call."

I grabbed the little white square of paper from her hand and on it was scribbled "John 312-756-0945, sorry again."

"Okay, I'll give him a call in a little bit, it's too early for this and I need something to eat. Want to go grab a bagel with me?" I put the paper next to the phone and walked to my room to get dressed. "Sure thing!" Louise yelled down the hall as she went to her room to get dressed.

A few hours later I sat on our old, floral printed couch, phone in hand. I looked at the little piece of paper. Was I really going to give this stranger a call? I guess it was time to move on, Brian did, why shouldn't I? I dialed the number with slow, shaky fingers. The line started to ring, after about 3 rings I heard a husky, "Hello?"

I froze. "Hello?" I heard again. I cleared my throat, "Hi, um, is this John?" I squeaked out.

"Yes, and who is this?" he asked.

I cleared my throat again. "Yeah, hi, um, my name is Annie. We kind of met last night. I ran into you when I was leaving the club."

"Oh yeah, your friend came up to me afterwards and apologized. You okay?" He asked me with a soothing tone to his voice.

"Yeah. I'm alright. I had just heard some overwhelming news. But I'm okay. I hope I didn't hurt you." I heard his rich, deep laughter on the other end. "No sweetheart, you didn't hurt me. May have spilled my drink some, but that is no matter." I could feel my cheeks burning.

"Well," he said, "would you like to meet for drinks tonight. I didn't just want you to call to tell me you were okay. I thought you were cute." He says, a little quietly over the phone.

My heart was racing and my hands felt clammy. I was weighing the options in my head. Should I go? Am I ready? Is it safe, I don't even know the guy. Where would we meet? Who even is he? "Hello?" I hear him say into the phone. "Hi, I'm here. Um, yeah, you know what, sure. We can meet for drinks. Tonight work for you?" I breath out quickly.

I again hear his rich laughter come from the other end. "Yeah, tonight works great. How about 8pm, Tony's Bar on 24th?" He asks. I nod my head but realize he can't see me. I say "yes" and after an awkward good-bye, I hang up the phone. My hands are still clammy and my heart is still pounding, but I feel good about this.

The evening quickly approaches, both of my girlfriends giggling and whispering behind me as I ready myself in the mirror. "What?!" I practically screech, my nerves are getting the best of me.

"Well, you look like a Mom!" Barbara shoots back. "You're meeting a handsome man at a bar and only you would wear jeans so high you're armpits can't breathe! Wear a dress, something flirty and fun! Like you!" She gets up and races to her closet pulling out a slinky black dress with high shoulder pads and black tights and black heels. "Bring the mystery with you!"

Soon both girls are primping and pulling and curling and dabbing me with various items of make-up, hair products and other things that I couldn't keep up with. Around 7:15pm, I turn into the mirror and see myself. I look like a model, like Louise and Barbara look almost everyday. "Thanks girls!" I beam. I feel so beautiful.

"Be safe!" They yell as I grab my purse and jacket, running down the steps of our apartment building. If I don't leave now, I'll be late! I hail a cab and give them the address, I begin fidgeting in the backseat. The nerves have raced back, I'm not sure about any of this. I have never met anyone in a bar, I met Brian through my parents. And he's been the only man I have been with. The doubts I have make me a little panicky and I'm not sure if I should tell the cabbie to turn around a bring me home. But before the words come out of my mouth, the dirty man up front says "$23 bucks ma'am." We have arrived.

I toss my cash at him and get out of the car. I stand on the side of the road for a few seconds, steeling myself for my date. I walk to the door where a bouncer asks to see my ID. I fish it out and he stares at it and then looks at me. "Go ahead." He waves and I step into the bar.

It's busy but not full, the lights are low, candles flicker at the tables, red linens hide whatever shabby wood the tables are made from. I sit at the bar and ask the bartender for a glass of wine. And I wait. About 10 minutes go by and I ask the bartender what time it is. He checks his watch "8:06pm" and I sigh. I finish my wine and ask for another glass.

"Waiting for someone?" I hear deep voice ask behind me. I spin in my bar seat. I see the same flop of brown chestnut hair, the deeply tanned skin, and the dark eyes of the mystery man I bumped into the previous evening. I look at him up and down, "Yeah, you." I say, maybe a little snarky.

"Sorry Annie, traffic. I'm sorry I kept you waiting." He says with a smile on his face. It makes his eyes crinkle in the corners, and his cheeks turn a slight shade of pink. I fell in love right there and I knew he was mine.

John and I were married a year later, two years after that I had our first child. A boy, Matthew. And a year after that our little girl, Madison. Now, here we are 34 years later, life full.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. The doctors were hopeful, I went through chemotherapy and radiation. Six months ago they performed a double mastectomy when they found a second tumor in my breasts. Three months ago, they found the cancer in my lungs. Last month, the cancer spread further into my brain, my bones, and my blood.

John sat next me, he heard the news, we knew it wasn't going to be long now. Louise and Barbara have been here for me the entire time. Louise even shaved my head the first time. Barbara the second. When they heard the latest news they cried with me.

"John," I call from my hospital bed. "Can you come sit with me?"

I heard his heavy footsteps come closer to me. "Yes, my love." His dark chestnut hair isn't as dark as it used to be, thick gray bands run through it. His tan skin has wrinkled a little around his mouth and eyes, his smile lines deeply engraved. But his eyes still were dark and full of spark and love. His warm hand enveloped my cold hands. "Are you cold baby? Your skin is so cold." He left my hands to grab another blanket.

"No, I'm fine John John." I smile as he settles the blanket on top of me. I love how much he loves me. I think back to our first date, sitting in that dark bar, the world around us fading away. For hours we sat and talked and drank and laughed. At some point we took me out onto the small dance floor and we swayed back and forth.

We never stopped dancing. Every chance he got, John would pull me into his arms and would hum whatever song was playing. The music could be playing only in his mind, but he would hum along to it and pull me along. Only recently has our dancing ceased. My legs became so weak, I can barely stand. Now I have so many wires and needles and nonsense surrounding me, that I can only move with the help of others.

I grabbed his hand and see the stark difference between us. His darkness compared to my paleness. His strength compared to my weakness. "What baby?" He asks me softly, I see sadness in his eyes.

"I love you very much." I say, I know my time is close. Every minute it is harder to breath, the pain in my body worsens, and my resolve to keep holding on cracks. "I want you to know that I'll always wait for you John John." Tears threaten to spill out onto my sunken cheeks.

"No Annie, don't say that now. Everything will be just fine. Dr. Smith called and talked to us about that new treatment that has had much success." He grips my hand tighter, unwilling to let me go.

"John, do you remember the our first date?" I smile, he looks at me. "Of course I do sweetheart." He replies. "You made me wait." I tell him, I make a small giggle.

"No, no you have that wrong. You made me wait. I stood by my phone for hours waiting for you to call me. Every time my phone rang, my heart leapt through my chest." He laughed his deep hearty laugh. "I was only late that night because I changed my shirt twenty times and that stupid cabbie wouldn't run a red light or two." His eyes crinkled in laughter, his memory making me laugh too.

"I never knew that." I lightly tapped his hand. "Why did you never tell me?"

"I don't know Annie, what does it matter now? I have you now, don't I?" He kissed my lips. His were warm, soft. His breath felt full of life. My lips were dull and cracked, my breath ragged and slow.

"My love, just know, I'll wait for you. As long as it takes." I whisper to him. I want him to know I'll wait. I'll wait for as long I need, no matter how many times he has to change his shirt.

He grabs a chair and sits next to me. He holds my hand and grabs a book and begins to read. I watch him at first but I begin to tire and the pain is overwhelming. "John, I need something for my pain." I tell him after some time.

He looks up and sees my face twisted in pain. "Okay baby." He gets up and grabs two pills from our dresser. He pours me a small glass of water and comes to me, assisting me in taking my pills. I swallow quickly and almost immediately begin to feel relief. "I'm tired John John."

He looks at me and sighs. Sadness swallowing his features. "Alright baby." This time though he grabs me under my legs and behind my back. I weigh almost nothing, machines begin to beep sending alarms, phones begin to ring, hospice calling and asking if everything is okay.

He sets me down on our bed and answers the phone, "Please come" he says, and hangs up. He pulls plugs from walls, IV tubes from the connections in my arms. He knows it's time. He grabs me again and turns on the radio, softly I hear music pour from its speakers. I feel John begin to hum before I hear it. His chest softly vibrating against me, we are dancing. I feel his tears fall from his cheeks, they are warm and soft. I hear his heart beat hard and fast.

Slowly, I begin to tire. Slowly my eyelids become to heavy to hold open and my breathing becomes too much to manage. Slowly I feel my life drain from my body. It feels strange and different, but almost like a sigh, it feels like a relief. I take a deep breath and let go. Just like that I am gone.

I see a darkness and then all at once, a brightness. Then I am above my husband and above myself. John has realized I am gone and lays me down on our bed. He climbs in beside me and begins to cry. I feel him grieve, his broken heart breaking mine. I can feel his hand holding mine but I'm looking from above. Within minutes a nurse runs in and looks at the scene before her. She grabs John's hand and asks him if I am gone. He nods but says nothing.

Soon, my home is a circus. My children show up and grab their father, crying into his chest. Madison is pregnant and I see her grab her belly, I know her thoughts. That I will never get to meet her child. Matthew grabs my hand and I feel him too. I feel him shake and heave in tears, mourning the loss of his mother. His wife is behind him, holding his shoulders, tears lightly streaming down her face.

Strangers come and put me in a large black bag. They wheel me out of house. My spirit wants to stay with my body, but I fight it, I want to be with them. My family. But the pull of where my body goes is too strong, I end up in the van with my body, being driven to the morgue.

A few days later it's my funeral, I hated being in the morgue. Weird people touching my body, cutting me open, I saw my body riddled like cheese with tumors. I met a few other souls, all awaiting the next step but we were never sure of what it was. Some were older and some were younger. But their bodies were being pulled elsewhere so we didn't have much time to talk.

I sat on a chair at the funeral home. All my family and friends came to my funeral. I watched as they all came to view my pale, lifeless body in a casket. Many cried hard tears. Some were silent in their grief. My parents came, my mother breaking down, not understanding how her baby could go before her. John never left my side. He stood watch over my body, tears ever present on his handsome face.

I walked up to him and wrapped my iridescent arms around him, hoping and wishing he could feel my love embrace him. I stood next him and held his hand, wondering how long he would stand next to me. Hours later people began to move on to the memorial that was happening at my son's house. There I'm sure they would eat, talk about all the wonderful memories of me, they would cry and they would laugh. But I would be stuck with my body.

Everyone left. Everyone but John. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. Didn't say anything to me. I reached for him, I didn't want him to go.

I was once again pulled back towards my body. They were taking me away to another cold and dark room, to await the day my body would go in the ground. Luckily I didn't have to wait long.

A few days had passed and once again, my friends and family surrounded my body. This time we were outside. The grass was green, the air warm. I could feel the sun warming me. I watched as my family cried and leaned on each other. I wanted to tell them I was right there, that they didn't need to cry. My hair was back, I could feel it resting on my shoulders. My cancer was gone! My body felt whole again. My skin looked smooth and supple as if I were 22 again, not 56 and dying from cancer. It was like I was as young as the day I met John.

People began to stand and John asked to open my casket one last time. The priest agreed and helped him open the latch closest to my head. The casket creaked open and he set a necklace around my neck, the one he gave me when our son Matthew was born. He leaned in and kissed my cheek. Then I heard his whisper softly in my ear, "Wait for me Annie."

He closed my casket and locked my body back into this silk lined box. He cried more tears as my casket was lowered into the ground. As it hit the bottom, friends and family gathered handfuls of soft dirt, and poured it over me. A few hours later, keepers of the cemetery had finished covering me up. Flowers were placed on top of the dirt mound, there to mark my grave until my tombstone could be placed.

Every day John visited, but now matter how hard I tried I couldn't leave my body. I wanted to go home with John, but the tether of my body wouldn't allow me to go very far. I spent my days sitting in the dirt, counting the hours until John returned to visit my grave.

A few weeks later, my tombstone arrived, it was much bigger than I thought it would be. I realized as I read the tombstone, that John had bought the plot next to me for himself. The tombstone held my name, birthday, and death day. My side was inscribed "Loving Mother, Daughter, and Friend. You will be missed." John's was empty with only his name and birthday engraved in the same font as mine.

As they installed the tombstone my John John came with the kids. Matthew and his wife, Madison and her husband, her belly large and low. When they come the kids talk to me about their lives, I like hearing what they are doing everyday. Today was different as they cried and told me they missed me. Madison told me she is having a little girl and is naming her Annie, after me. I touched her belly and felt the baby kick against my clear hand.

Madison laughed through her tears and said that the baby must know I'm here. Madison's hand laid right over mine as she cupped her baby bump. She looked up right into my eyes, but she didn't know I was there. No one did.

Everyday I waited, no matter the weather or the time of the day I sat at my headstone and waited. There were others that were at the cemetery, all tethered to their bodies, waiting. To my right was an older woman, her name was Susan. She's been dead for 23 years now, we spoke often. We spoke often about our lives before, our children, our spouses, and how we died. Susan past away from a stroke. Carl was behind me, he was young kid who got killed in a car accident about a year ago. I remembered reading about it in the paper. He was a joy and brought a little bit of life to the sea of death we were surrounded by.

Every so often a new soul would join us. But, if they were too far, you could only hope the souls surrounding them welcomed them kindly. I found I could walk about 6ft away from my body. Others could walk a little more or a little less, we couldn't figure out why. We all debated our reasons for being stuck here, with no way to go further than where we were buried.

Some souls would leave us, the answer wasn't really clear. We all waited for something to happen. Some of the souls there had been there for decades; never to have moved on to the next chapter. Others had only been there a few years and seemed to one day. no longer be there anymore. Some were reunited with parents, children, spouses, and even friends. Yet, here we all waited, waiting to find out what the next step was.

Years had begun to pass and as time went on, less people visited me. Flowers began to die in between visits. My children had children that I had only gotten to meet when they visited my grave site. My son had three boys, all within a few years of my passing. Madison had four more children after Annie was born. Three girls and two boys.

John was the only one who visited me every week. Every Sunday he would come to my gravesite and clear out the weeds that would grow, he would replace my flowers, and talk to me about his daily life. He would sometimes visit on Wednesdays, "just to check on you," he would say. And every holiday, he would come and decorate my headstone to match the season.

One day Susan came to me and told me I was lucky to have a man like John, who loved me as much as he did. Her husband stopped visiting years ago and children stopped visiting a few years after that. Her gravesite was a double like mine. Her husband's name hovering above an empty date.

"He would be 97 years old by now." She said me. "If that bastard is still alive I wish I could haunt him. Maybe he would end up here sooner." I knew she was lonely, she had waited for so long already, but with no to visit her anymore, there was no way to know where he or anyone else was. Or if her husband was still alive or if he had been buried elsewhere.

"Just be patient Susan, I'm sure he will come soon." I reassured her. But I had never seen her husband come, I never saw anyone come to visit Susan. No flowers graced her tombstone, no flags for the Fourth of July, no cards for her birthday. I wished I could tell John to give her flowers every once in awhile, to bring a smile to Susan's face.

A few more years passed by and John began to come less often. His body was changing, he was aging, he was becoming more frail. When John came he looked different every time I saw him. His once brown hair was now completely salt and pepper. His tan skin had begun to lose some of its color and he was wrinkled so heavily his wrinkles fell into his eyes. But his dark eyes had never changed, still so brown and surrounded by heavy lashes and full of love.

As time continued, John visited to me with a cane and then a walker. His strength was leaving him. One day he came to me with Matthew. Matthew was carrying the brunt of his father's weight as John struggled his way up the small hill. John set a bouquet of flowers on my tombstone and sat on the ground above my body. I worried he wasn't going to be able to get up. Luckily, I knew Matthew would help him.

"Annie, I miss you. I am getting tired of waiting, I want to be with you. I hope you are waiting for me." Tears hadn't fallen from his eyes in years when he visited, but now they fell heavily onto the ground. I touched his shoulder and the once strong body that was filled with laughter and warmth, felt weak and cold.

"I'm waiting John John. I'm here." I whispered. I got down on my knees in front of him and I leaned my forehead against his. "I'm waiting."

A hour or so had passed and he worked with all of his strength to stand. As he walked down the hill to where Matthew's car was parked, he looked back at my tombstone, I swear John knew I was there waiting for him.

I waited for him to return again, but he didn't. The days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I didn't understand why John wouldn't come. Susan had turned a little bitter over the years and told me men always broke their promises, he wasn't coming. Carl always told her to shut up, John was different. I stood watch, night and day, waiting for a familiar car to come up the drive. I talked to no one, looked at nothing but the road leading to me.

Then one day I saw a funeral procession crawl slowly up the drive. Black cars pulled into the little street closest to where I was buried. I soon realized I recognized the cars that followed, it was my children! Why had they come with all these people? Where was John?

A casket was pulled from the back of a black hearse. Eight young men, some of them were my grandsons, grabbed the sides and hauled the brown casket up the small hill towards me. The ground beside me was no longer the soft grass I knew it to be and I realized I wasn't paying attention to anything except waiting for John. The groundskeepers had dug up the grave next to mine.

I looked at my family and my friends, Matthew and Madison were much older now. My grandchildren, no longer babies, but young adults. My friends Barb and Louise looked so old I almost didn't recognize them. I remembered these tears, I remembered the grief of them losing me. I realized that I couldn't see John, where was he?

"Waiting for someone?" I heard a deep voice ask behind me.

I turned around and there he was, John. He looked just as handsome as the day I met him. The gray had faded into his chestnut brown, skin was no longer wrinkled but firm and smooth, his stature no longer bent by age as he stood proud and tall before me.

"Yeah you." I grabbed him into my arms and kissed him. I missed him so much. I felt his arms wrap around me and I felt the warmth of his love that I had missed so much over the years. I looked him up and down,

"I waited."