I Lost Myself Along the Way

I woke up at sharp 6:00 am. It felt unusual waking up not listening to the sound of the alarm. I remembered the struggle of trying to wake up by touching the snooze over and over again. A rush of confusion swirled through me, why I could not sleep so soundly and peacefully all these years. A small breeze sprung up, the rattling of windows stroked me reminding me it’s time to shut the windows. In San Diego, winter can be husky with zippy winds and sub-zero temperatures.

The coffee’s aroma filled my heart with expansive relief. Iam happy for today, it’s been a while to sit with a clear mind, truly speaking it’s been more than 10 years. Time passes by without really knowing that it’s happening. I was racing through my life. I lost everything in pursuit of career capital and fame. I lost friends and family. I lost myself along the way.

I checked my bottle beside my bed, it’s safe there. I prepared to have a shower. Standing under the shower lost in my thoughts, I deduced my life in a nutshell. After coming out, I realized that I took far more time than my normal shower.

When I checked my phone, I saw the mail from Garry Foundation congratulating me for the philanthropic effort worth 20 million dollars. I felt silly for myself. I checked my wallet and found 23 dollars and sixty cents. At last, this much was enough for me.

I walked through my lane, it was a normal morning, a usual one like in the past 10 years. I took my favorite breakfast from my favorite store, which is on the seventh street, which is also my favorite. After paying, I was left with 6 dollars 20 cents. I was not hesitant to deposit it in the box kept for helping the cancer foundation. My entire life was spent on the pursuit of this piece of paper called money. Racing against time is something we do unconsciously. In the beginning, we race with it and in the end, you race against it. You can race against it or with it, either way, you are in a race. Most people race this limited commodity time, looking for a destination which they want to find but rarely one finds that the real purpose lies in the course and not in the destination. They look outwards for purpose, without realizing to look inwards. I did nothing but pretty bloody hard work in my entire life, it provided me an escape pill from reality. The string of unanswerable questions arises when you are no more excited about the next minute in your life. You will fall into a void, which daunts you about the next minute, hour, and day.

The trains of my thoughts got disturbed by the heavy horn of the bus. I saw one kid smiling through the window, which transmits a little smile on my face. Maybe there is a lot to look forward to in life. But that smile was not enough to bring back my real consciousness.

I returned to my apartment against my everyday habit to the Office. I felt unusual happiness and exceptional peace inside me. I opened my apartment door and kept the key in the hanger over the side of the all. I put the phone on charging and signed in to my office account on my laptop. I send the mail, which took me months to complete. I sat beside my bed and reached for the bottle which I kept safely for the past weeks.

At the last moment, before swallowing the cyanide in the bottle, I felt 120 dollars for a bottle of cyanide is still expensive.