Head Shots

Characters:

Don Rositellie: Mob boss leader. Bruce’s rival

Abby: Photographer/co-owner of Head Shots

Shana: Secretary/co-owner of Head Shots

Bruce Marcel: Mob boss leader. Don’s rival

Stephen Rossing: Don’s assistant

Roy Heartman: police officer

[Interior of an office, it is mid-afternoon in early summer. Don is sitting at his desk with Stephen standing nearby.]

DON

(On the phone) What do you mean he won’t do it? Does he remember who I am? Fine, but you tell him that the next time he’s in a tight spot he’d better not come crying to me! (hangs up the phone) What’s this town coming to Steven, when even hit men are afraid to do their job.

STEPHEN

Stephen sir.

DON

What?

STEPHEN

My name sir, its Stephen, not “Steven”.

DO

Whatever, listen I need a hit-man, an assassin, I don’t care who but I need the job done and I need it done in two weeks.

STEPHEN

Finding someone on that short notice is going to be difficult Mr. Rositellie.

DON

I don’t care what if it’s going to be difficult I just want it done! There is no way on this earth that Bruce Marcel is going to get away with insulting my family and then sending me this! (Throws a wedding invitation at Stephen)

STEPHEN

(Picks up the letter and reads from it) “We happily invite you to the wedding of Anna Paradis and Nicolas Marcel.” Mr. Marcel’s son is getting married?

DON

Yes, the same son that crushed my poor daughter’s heart.

STEPHEN

But that was four years ago sir.

DON

I don’t care if it was thirty years ago Steven. I could let it slide if he’d just married this broad and left us alone, but sending us an invitation is not only insulting, it makes things personal. Therefore we must send a personal response. I’m going to send an assassin to take out the bride so that Nicolas Marcel will understand just how my daughter felt, and then I’ll show him mercy by having the shooter take him out next.

STEPHEN

It’s Stephen Mr. Rositellie, and don’t you think that’s a tad excessive?

DON

It is not for you to decide what is excessive Stephen, now do your job and assist me in finding a hit-man!

STEPHEN

Yes sir, (Moves to type on Don’s computer) my sister recently introduced me to a website that lets anyone post business advertisements, wanted ads, and for sale ads for free. She says you can find anything on this site.

DON

We’ll just see about that.

STEPHEN

Let’s just try it sir. I’m searching with the keywords: shooting, wedding, and fast. (beat) There’s only five hits sir.

DON

Well that’s not a very impressive track record.

STEPHEN

No sir, it means that our search found only five businesses.

DON

Oh, well can one of them do the job? I’m telling you Stephen I don’t see how any self-respecting assassin could just post their services online, it lacks taste, not to mention good judgment.

STEPHEN

I wouldn’t say that sir, with all the photo-shop and hoaxes flying around the internet I would think it would be a fairly simple task to hide one’s true nature online. However, in answer to your question, I think I’ve found the perfect place.

DON

Really? What is it called?

STEPHEN

“Head Shots” sir, here come take a look.

DON

(reading from the website) “Head Shots: the only place where we can shoot the family, hang the kids, and frame the wife.” This person sounds downright evil (beat) I love them! Set up a meeting right away Stephen.

STEPHEN

But shouldn’t we review their prices first sir?

DON

Are you putting a price on my dear daughter’s happiness?

STEPHEN

Of- of course not sir I only meant that-

DON

Money is of no object. Set up the meeting at once, after all we only have two weeks to prepare.

[Don exits in a hurry as Stephen sighs and continues to type on the computer]

[Inside a nearly bare office, only the ecentuals are there (a few chairs, two desks, a laptop, a small trash can, and a phone). Shana sits at one of the desks looking incredibly bored.]

ABBY

(enters, looking through the mail in her hands) Did we get any calls while I was out Shana?

SHANA

Just the police station saying that they were sending someone to come and talk to you Abby.

Hey, anything for me in the mail today?

ABBY

Not this time I’m afraid. What do the police want to talk to me about?

SHANA

I don’t know, probably about the new IDs for the new officers coming in this week, but the

officer wouldn’t tell me for sure. Please don’t say that all those letters are bills.

ABBY

No, only a third of them are bills today, the rest is just junk mail. (throws some of the letters away) Speaking of which you might want to think about paying some of them, that is your job after all.

SHANA

Right, and what exactly am I suppose to pay them with, pizza coupons?

ABBY

I know business has been slow lately, but you put up the new ad online right? So we’re bound to get customers sooner or later.

SHANA

Wait, I was supposed to put up the new ad?

ABBY

Yeah, the one with the family portrait on it.

SHANA

Oh right, sure I did. (starts typing furiously on the computer)

ABBY

You forgot and put up the old ad again didn’t you.

SHANA

Of course not. Why would you say that?

ROY

(knocks on the door) Hello, this is officer Roy Heartman, could you please open the door?

ABBY

(to Shana) Gee, I wonder. (to Roy) It’s open. (Roy enters) Hi Roy, how are you?

ROY

That’s not exactly how normal people respond to having a police officer knock on their door you

know.

ABBY

Please, you’re over here so much that we might as well be paying you to work here.

ROY

Thanks, but I think that I will stick with my day job.

SHANA

At least you’ll have a steady paycheck then.

ABBY

Anyway, what can we do for you Roy? Is the camera for the mug shots acting up again?

ROY

No, it’s nothing like that but… do you remember when you took the pictures of all the officers for when we updated to digital files last week?

SHANA

You mean the ones you still haven’t paid us for?

ABBY

(shushes Shana) Of course I remember, is something wrong with them?

ROY

No, it’s just…

ABBY

What?

ROY

This is really embarrassing…

SHANA

What, you lost your book on knitting while we were taking pictures and now when we have all the new recruits coming in to take their ID pictures you’re afraid that one of them is going to find it?

[silence]

ABBY

At least your name wasn’t written in it… right?

[more silence]

SHANA

Well that sucks.

ABBY

Shana!

ROY

No she’s right, I got the book to learn how to make a scarf for my wife and I was afraid of losing it so I stupidly wrote my name on it, but if the guys at the station find out that I’m learning how to knit I’ll never hear the end of it!

ABBY

Hey, don’t worry we’ll keep an eye out for your book. I’m sure that it will turn up.

SHANA

Abby’s right, just pray that it’s us who find it first!

ABBY

Don’t you have an ad to replace Shana?

SHANA

Yeah, yeah, I’m working on it.

ROY

You guys better upload the right one this time. The chief has been getting calls about it again.

SHANA

I like our ad as it is.

ABBY

That doesn’t matter if it’s not attracting customers Shana.

ROY

It does tend to send the wrong message.

SHANA

Whatever, I think it’s funny.

ROY

What part of “shoot the family, hang the kids, and frame the wife” is funny exactly?

ABBY

It was suppose to be a play on words, we “shoot” people with a camera, and have special deals on hanging frames for children’s pictures, and another special deal for the frame shop up the street for those who want to have their wife’s portraits framed.

ROY

I know that, but when you say it like that in an advertisement you guys sound more like guns for hire then a photography studio, especially with a studio name like “Head Shots”.

ABBY

But that’s what we specialize in. Either way, the ad was a complete fail, so that’s why I asked Shana to switch it three days ago but she forgot. …We haven’t had any business besides the police department for the last month because of it too.

SHANA

Oh ye of little faith!

ABBY

What are you talking about Shana?

SHANA

I just checked our inbox, and we have a client who wants us to cover a wedding!

ABBY

You’re kidding!

ROY

Who’s the client? (Abby and Roy rush over to look at the computer screen)

ROY

Don Rositellie… that name seems familiar for some reason…

ABBY

Looks like he wants me to cover his daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s wedding. (beat) Well that’s weird.

SHANA

Who cares, it’s a paying client so you have to take the job Abby.

ABBY

He wants headshots of the bride, groom, and both their families, plus proof of my work by delivering a sealed envelope containing the ring fingers of the bride and groom, plus their parents’ ring fingers. Wow, he’s oddly specific on what he wants.

ROY

What’s a proof?

ABBY

It’s a sample of my work before I do any touch up or editing to the photo, though a lot of places edit them anyway to make their shots look better.

ROY

And you don’t edit them?

ABBY

Of course not, only amateurs do that. When does he need me to be there Shana?

SHANA

Umm… in two weeks by the looks of it.

ABBY

We can do that; put it down on the calendar Shana.

ROY

I had better get going. That name still bothers me you know.

SHANA

Maybe he’s the one who has your knitting book! (laughs)

ROY

Just change your advertisement.

[Back inside Don Rositellie’s office three days after the wedding.]

DON

(agitated) She should have been here by now.

STEPHEN

Relax sir, she probably just got held up in traffic.

DON

Assassins don’t get held up in traffic, don’t you ever watch TV?

ABBY

(Enters, out of breath, with a large duffle bag) Sorry I’m late, I got held up dealing with the police.

DON

You weren’t followed were you?

ABBY

Of course not, I just took a couple of shots they were happy enough to let me go.

DON

Quite the marksmen eh?

ABBY

I suppose you could say that. Would you mind? (motions to an empty chair)

DON

No go ahead. Either way it appears that we put our money in the right place.

ABBY

You haven’t paid me yet.

STEPHEN

You haven’t shown us any of your proof.

ABBY

Oh I have those right here, they were more than happy to give them to me.

STEPHEN

Because they were dead?

ABBY

What? No, they’re alive and well.

DON

But your instructions were to shoot them.

ABBY

And I did, I have their headshots right here in the bag-

DON

You brought the heads here?!

ABBY

Yes, it’s sort of what I do.

STEPHEN

You’re insane!

ABBY

Well, Shana seems to think so but I prefer the term-

STEPHEN

You idiot we can’t have the evidence here!

ABBY

Evidence? What are you talking about?

ROY

(Roy breaks into the room with a few other cops) Don Rositellie, Stephen Rossing you are both under arrest. For conspiracy to commit murder.

DON

What is this?

STEPHEN

I thought you said you weren’t followed!

DON

Shut up Stephen!

STEPHEN

It’s her, she’s the one you want. She murdered the entire wedding party of the Marcel family!

ROY

What is he talking about Abby?

ABBY

I have no idea, I just went there to take pictures of the wedding.

DON & STEPHEN

Pictures?

ABBY

Yes, I’m a photographer, and once my friend Roy remembered why your name sounded so familiar to him over two weeks ago, we came up with this little plan.

STEPHEN

What!

DON

You won’t ever make the charges stick.

ABBY

Oh I beg to differ. (takes out tape recorder from bag, replays the conversation)

ROY

Sounds like it will stick to me. Take them away.

ABBY

Hold on a second. I have something for Mr. Rositellie. (hands Don a slip of paper)

DON

(angrily) Officer I want this woman arrested!

ROY

What on earth for?

DON

Have you seen these prices? (throws the paper at Roy) It’s highway robbery!

ROY

Get him out of here. (Officers exit with Don and Stephen in cuffs) I’ll admit it Abby, I didn’t think

you had it in you to go along with this.

ABBY

Well there are times when being a retired professional marksman comes in handy. I’m just glad

you got what you needed for your case.

ROY

But isn’t $10,000 a tad excessive for the cost of hiring a photographer?

ABBY

He wanted me to kill people! He should be happy that I’m only charging him that much.

ROY

(beat) Now if only I could find that book I’d be set.

ABBY

Oh your knitting book, I found that last week. (pulls out book from bag and hands it to him)

ROY

Are you serious! Where did you find it?

ABBY

The same place Shana and I hide the dead bodies. (exits)