Hanna, the Barberian, and the Quest into the Four Portals.

From the author...

The very recent BluRay release of "Thundarr, the Barbarian" has awakened in me the desire to try my hand at a cross between FanFiction and gross parody. Even as a vintage animation nerd, I know that not many like me will remember "Thundarr..." However, I hope that the very name "Hanna, the Baberian" invokes SOME idea of exactly what I will parody in the next coming volumes of FanFiction infamy. Enjoy...

Virga, the Wizardress, tired of running across the plains of Altearth, 3090. She was backed by her pair of Mutoid generals and her robot army as a testimony that she was a future sorceress. However, she could no longer even see the enemy barbarian or her allies anymore. How was the fool Hanna, the Barberian, to fall into Virga's latest trap if she had gotten lost whilst giving chase? Had Virga overestimated the obnoxious barbarian beauty by sending for Scorpius and Taura to delay her? Had Virga's evil agents actually defeated the heroine and her allies before the Wizardress could have that pleasure?

No; Virga heard the effeminate growl of a Zon, followed by Hanna's annoying war cry. The Zon had been Ungah; Prince Adamis, an annoyingly good sorcerer, would have been there too. And if those two had survived, of course, Hanna had.

"Virga, Hanna lives!" Ozor, the pig-like Mutoid general, squealed in the wizardress's ear.

"So she does." Virga reflected, feigning astonishment. "Robot soldiers, line-up! We cannot make it look too easy to reach me..."

Ozor turned to Grak, a lizard-shaped Mutoid, and the pair of Mutoid soldiers shrugged. However, they then directed the metal armies that best marked a sorceress's militia to stand tall anyway...

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Three steeds and their accompanying riders exploded across the wooded landscape. A blonde, muscled woman led the way with a pair of staff weapons across her back. To her right rode a wildly-red-maned creature who was supposed to look like a woman, only one who represented the Zon tribe of Altearth 3090. To their left rode a human male with slightly tanned-skin and in wizard's robes. Hanna and Ungah did not know or understand sorcery any better than they knew Altearth customs. However, was that not why they chose to ride alongside Adamis, a prince of some sort and who knew his ancestors' knowledge of Altearth?

As the trio rode, Ungah unleashed a grunting roar. Hanna nodded forcefully at the sound.

"Ungah has found Virga's scent again!" she called. "Adamis, Ungah, Horses; we ride this way and end her tyranny!"

"Virga's scent?" Adamis retorted. "You mean she didn't pick up the stench of the Mutoids around her?"

Ungah grunted back across the way.

"Them as well." Hanna amended. "Come, friends; Virga has never won her first victory in this realm and this will not mark the event of her first satisfaction over Altearth either!"

Adamis rubbed his chin as his horse continued to gallop.

"It feels too easy." he finally opined. "Taura and Scorpius hardly put up a fight to keep us busy. Now, it would appear that Virga is all but stationary, waiting for us!"

"Virga is as bullheaded and egotistical as any other magic-maker." Hanna insisted. "She simply celebrates too early over a demise that never happened. Come; we catch her by surprise where she stands!"

Ungah barked an agreement and hers and Hanna's horses picked up speed. Meanwhile, Adamis rolled his eyes.

"Right; 'bullheaded' and 'overly celebratory' magicians!" he muttered into the night air; then, spurring his horse forward: "Hanna, Ungah; wait up! You might need me, you know?"

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The trio of heroes finally found the clearing where Virga's metal horde stood in their way. Ungah's surprised bark, followed by discharge of laser blasts, announced it to Adamis. At a moment's notice, Adamis generated a magic portal for his horse to gallop through and they landed alongside their allies. Ungah was picking herself up off of the ground as her mutated, alien horse galloped away riderless. Meanwhile, Hanna stood alongside her beautiful, gold steed when Adamis and his midnight black horse landed.

"Adamis, you have decided to join us here!" Hanna barked. "We may need the support as I prepare my Ruby Spears to end Virga's desire of tyranny!"

"Ho-Ho; an ambush did wait for us before we could ambush the wizardress!" Adamis chortled, building up a magic shield dome. "Who, praytell, foretold this development?"

"You speak much in the middle of a fight!" Hanna chided him from behind the defense of his magic shield.

With that, she did unsheath her powerful Ruby Spears as Ungah rose up and gathered her hatchet in one hand and crossbow in the other.

"You two, cover me!" Hanna ordered of her allies; then, from her place in the valley and to the shadow standing atop the cliff: "Virga, you are mine to vanquish!"

"No, Barberian; this time is my night!" Virga retorted. "Long have I awaited my first time for victory and you shan't take it from me again!"

Adamis dropped the shield so that Hanna could approach with her mighty Ruby Spears in either hand. Meanwhile, Adamis hurled magic blasts at the mechanical army and Ungah used her dual hatchet and crossbow to make short work of either general.

At long last, Hanna had finally braved the ascent of the cliff.

"You and me now, Wizardress!" Hanna barked, clanging her Ruby Spears together in challenge. "Just as it was meant to be!"

"Oh no; I am vanquished again by threatening words!" Virga retorted, aghast.

With that, she took two steps back; and vanished in a portal of light.

"Not this day, sorceress!" Hanna bellowed.

"Then come and find me, Barberian!" Virga's voice answered. "And let me help you and your feeble friends along..."

Instantly, a harsh wind blew Hanna right through the portal in her pursuit of the wizardress on the other side. The same cyclone was enough to pull Ungah, Adamis, and the horses into the vortex as well...

...But did Virga truly just use her magic to HELP the heroes in their pursuit of keeping her from her first victory? More to be continued...