Grappling with Life

She sat in the corner huddled into herself unsure what to say, what to do and even more unsure if either action would inflict any affect on the battle raging before her.

She loved her brother, of course she did, he had raised her the last five years of her life. He had taken on full guardianship of his young teen sister when he himself was still a teenager himself.

At 19 the whole world was open to him. A burgeoning career in sports entertainment, women falling at his feet, yet he chose to take on a moody 13-year-old who had lost her mother five years earlier, and had suffered more abuse, both mental and physical, at the hands of her father, than a single person should have to bear in their lifetime. His sacrifice was not unnoticed or unappreciated by her, but his sacrificed did not make him all knowing or unfillable and right now, he was wrong.

Like titans, her brother and his lifelong best friend Drew, argued, slowly nudging towards each other then away, like crabs sparing on the beach. She knew if either stepped too close to the other all hell would break loose, a lovely side effect of growing up surrounded by the world of professional wrestling. At the very least she would need to intervene before the line was crossed. Still she wished she had a better or at any rate a real plan of action to cool things down before it became an urgent necessity that she step in try to shut things down.

She had never meant for this to happen. She never meant to become the possible reason that these near brothers would get be at such odds. She never meant to be the thing that changed, or possibly destroyed, their relationship forever. And for the first time, she had to realize she had never really had any control over any of this. That realization made her skin crawl.

Since her father’s passing, and even for a bit before his passing, Isabella had tried to maintain whatever degree of control she could. At the age of 9, she drove herself and a group of close friends from dance class, to start their own Girl Group, using her own family’s already established connections (both her father and mother had been pro-wrestlers) to the entertainment industry. She branded all 5 of “Isy’s Angels” to make sure they would be marketable, using the knowledge she gained, sitting in on her parents’ work meetings when she was younger, and it worked. She began chipping away at the astounding debt her father had drank and viced away since her mother died from cancer. Her goal had been to emancipate her brother and herself from their tyrant father’s nearly daily abuse.

Many said that the “burned out” professional wrestler had taken his wife’s passing hard and had taken to the bottle, causing his violent outbursts. But those closest to the family knew that there was not a single time in either of his children’s lives that these “outbursts” hadn’t existed, though many chose not to admit it and looked the other way.

It was because of this sad reality that Isy’s brother Jake had enlisted Drew to help protect his baby sister, the moment that he found out that she was coming. At the sweet ages of 5 and 6, the two boys began to devise plans on ways to keep the poor baby girl out of harms way, away from her father’s wrath. For years their plans adapted as needed, from Jake handing Isabella out the nursey window, that was luckily on the first floor, to a waiting Drew after Jake sounded their secret alarm that danger was coming, to luring a young Isabella out that same window and over to the treehouse that sat in Randy’s backyard, next door. It didn’t take long for Isabella to catch on to when it was best not to be in the house and by right before her 4th birthday, she had become adapt enough to notice that a certain change in her brother’s face meant another trip to the treehouse, and began to climb through the window herself like a little monkey, and wait for Drew there.

Some nights they would be up there until dawn, snuggled be between the unstained wooden planks, Drew reading to her stories about fairies and princesses, and the occasional bible story, since his mom was a pastor. There they would wait until Jake gave the all clear.

On colder nights, Drew would sneak her into his house, laying her in his younger sister’s crib with her, or as she got older placing her between the wall and himself in his own bed. Never fully falling asleep. Sensitive to every sound or movement she made.

He would watch the tiny brown ringlets of her hair rise and fall as she dreamed, dreaming himself of the day when she would be able to in her own bed safely and without fear.

This prayer was answered when a tornado ripped right through Isabella’s childhood home, taking the life of her passed out father, but sparing hers as she huddled with Drew’s family in their storm cellar. Part of her prayed that day that she would be taken too, just so she could feel her mother’s arms around her again, but the feel of Drew’s arms around protective and unrelenting, kept her rooted to hoping they all survived in that cellar.

While this disaster ended an era of pain, it opened a new, trying, era of confusion and frustration as her brother, newly 19, and just recently returned from training camp in Florida, decided to tag team with 18-year-old Drew in raising her for the next couple of years. Though mostly successful in protecting her from harm previously, working together in this new venture proved more challenging then expected, and began to really show the weaknesses that existed in their partnership, and frustrations grew among all three of them.

It became painfully apparent to that due to their previous arrangements, Drew basically taking over the brunt of Isabella’s care, and Jake’s own intensive focus attempting to become financially free, and successful in his own career, had led him to have a very shallow knowledge of his sister. This became extremely evident when at 14, Isabella watched her band break up, and it was proposed that Isy continue on solo, as she was the lead signer and front person after all.

Jake voted in favor of it, having seen only the “stage” side of things, the public facing side. He showed up for shows and performances, never really rehearsals, or anything else that went on behind the scenes. All he saw was her smiling on stage and thought that she was happier than she had ever been, being a teen popstar.

Drew voted “no”. And threads started to unravel between the best friends, as Jake could not see any possible reason for his friend’s decision.

It came down to Isy being the tie-breaker. Jake outlining what a major step it would be for her career, and saying how happy she always looked on stage, and defending his vote so ardently, made her worry that she would be disappointing him is she didn’t agree. She also worried that without her shows and performances, he would have no reason to pause his own busy career to spend time and see her. So, she cast her vote with her brother’s, knowing Drew would not hold it against her.

Not long after the decision was made, Isy’s battles with eating disorders, self-harm and overall erratic moods, came to a head, starting to cause the occasional rumors and scandal, darkening her previously, sweet, innocent, spotless image, and putting her at even higher risk.

Drew quickly pulled her into a hiatus.

Jake fought the decision, leading to many angry phone calls between the 2 that Drew worked hard to hide from Isabella. Eventually, he was able to get through to Jake that by suggesting that it was merely her past trauma surfacing its head and she just needed some time to work things out. But when Jake heard that she had been removed from her label, he marched over to Drew’s new house, where Isy had been living due to issues with Jake’s new fiancé.

He demanded that his sister pack her things, and come “home” immediately, claiming Drew was destroying her and her career, and she needed to be rid of him immediately. Isabella sat paralyzed in her chair as Drew entered the room. With a quick smile and nod to her, he simply said “I finally found that book you were looking for. It is on the table in the study.”

Taking the excuse, she quickly escaped the room and enthralled herself completely into the new story, just like she did when she was younger to block out the verbal tirade erupting a few rooms over.

“I’m bad for her? I’m the one who was trying to avoid this. I’m the one who tried to save her from all of this. You are the one who wanted to throw her to the sharks all alone. She only agreed because she loves you and didn’t want you to be upset with her. She never wanted to go solo. In fact, it was her idea originally to end the band.” Drew then listed the stress, the breakdowns, the emotional instability that had already plagued her during the days of the group. Side effects of the relentless fame machine, constant comparisons to other singers and groups often years her senior, comments about her changing body, near non-stop following on paparazzi and “news outlets” and the insanely inappropriate questions she was often expected to answer in interviews. He recounted the sleepless nights he had spent with her on tour, while Jake was building his own career, his own brand. He highlighted the joy that Isabella had for Writing her music and for dance, but the anxiety of having all eyes on her and needing to do everything perfectly, that she fought every time she had to perform, whether it was a show or just a five-minute interview. He talked of her panic attacks, that had necessitated a medical professional travel with them 24/7.

Jake slumped his 6ft 7 frame onto the stair, shocked by how little he knew his own sister, his baby sister, who he believed he would do anything to protect. Drew was right. He threw her to the wolves.

It was no surprise to him after all was said and done that, she chose to live with Drew instead of himself, yet that wound still burned fresh after all these years.

A wound that reopened once more when she confessed that the “new man” in her life was Drew.

For months, she had gushed about her new relationship. The happiness it seemed to bring her had made Jake hopeful. The hope grew as she turned more as she seemed to turn more and more to him in confidence, in a way he saw this new relationship of hers as a sort of service for theirs.

When she had announced that it was his own best friend, a guy 5 years her senior, who not long before had guardianship over her, he flew right into shock. He had barely begun to recover from that shock and process the news when the source of this shock walked through the doorway. Quickly his shock defaulted to anger and the battle ensued.

“You have no right. She has no right.” Jake shouted, his face reddening.

“What right? The right to be happy? The right to actually live her own life?” Drew interjected.

“She’s a child!” Jake argued.

“She has not been a child since your mother took her last breath. She has spent every moment since then only thinking how to make life better for her family, for you. She has not had a moment of care-free childhood since that day, and you know that.” Drew recanted.

“Still…” Jake struggled.

“What am I doing wrong?” Drew questioned. “I am taking care of her. I only mean to take care of her and be there for her. It’s nothing sordid. It’s nothing dirty. I love your sister more than my own life and I always have. Why is it so wrong for me to want to take care of her now? There is no one more qualified, no one more prepared and understanding on what she needs, what wounds she has to heal, what she deals with.”

With this, Jake turned and left not even closing the door behind him. He knew what Drew said was true. He knew his friend. Yet, it was that last point he made that stung him hardest. “There is no one more qualified to take care of her.” No one, including himself.

Tears of frustration streaked down his face.

“You don’t think…” Isy struggled as she extracted herself from the corner, her eyes pleading. “I didn’t mean to…. I’m so sorry… I just thought.” Tears began to well in her eyes thinking of the 20 plus year friendship that she had just thrown into shambles.

Drew pulled her into his strong arms holding her tight to his chest.

“I was so selfish.” She cried.

“You were not. You are not.” He comforted while adjusting his hold so he could hold her gaze. “Bella, you are the least selfish person on this planet, ask anyone. Even your enemies would never say that of you, if you had any enemies.”

“But…” She staggered.

“No but’s. Jake will come around. Just give him time.”

“Promise?” She pleaded looking deep into his eyes.

“I promise.” He replied gently kissing her forehead. “Now try to go get some sleep angel. It has been a long day.”

She looked towards the window, noticing a pitch-dark sky had replaced the sun filled blue of the earlier day. Had it really been that late? Had she truly sat in the corner that long, indecisive on where to go next.

Even after multiple cups of tea and milk, not to mention aromatherapy, she still struggled to close her eyes. Her mind continued to search for a solution for a fix. Likewise, Drew continued to try to calm her nerves so she could rest, but all these attempts failing she could she was dragging him down, so she finally closed her eyes and laid there still and breathing deep for a few hours until she was sure he had left the room. No point in them both missing sleep tonight she figured.

Once again with her eyes wide opened, she searched for an answer. None came, at least, none that made her hopeful. Exhausted beyond belief she settled down to attempt to sleep one last time. As her eyes closed, her answer came. There was no solution. It was out of her hands. She had no control. This though rang true as a phone in a quiet room, and she hated it. It made her want to burst into tears once more, an urge she fought with all her might to suppress, knowing it would only bring Drew back to her side and into a perpetual ring of unrest. “He shouldn’t have to suffer because of me” she thought. Neither should Jake, she added closing her eyes, moist with tears.

A few hours of restless sleep were all she could manage before being woken by the slightest tap, tap. After some investigation, she learned it was coming from behind her curtains. She opened them and nearly fell backwards seeing her brother’s giant frame filling the entirety of her window, shadowed in the twilight of a new dawning day.

She opened the window letting in a crisp breeze that caused her whole body to shiver.

“I’m sorry.” The solemn face said.

“It’s fine. It was only a breeze.” She jested.

“No. Elle. I am sorry.” He replied, the weight of his words matching if not exceeding his own.

“I know.” She replied, struggling to throw him a smile.

“Actually, I’m not sure you do. But I promise that you will. That you will know just how sorry, I am for everything the last couple of years. How sorry I am for not being where you needed me, who you needed me to be. And I promise I will try my best to try to make things right from this point on.” He paused taking a few breaths, to calm the shakiness in his voice.

“Just one thing Elle.” He started, uncertain.

“Yes?” she encouraged.

“He makes you happy?” A grave look sat upon his face.

“Yes. He does.” She replied without hesitation.

His face softened at her reply. “Then I guess I’ll have to learn to live with it, huh?”

“Yes. You do.”

“Just promise me something.” He ventured hearing the certainty in his sister’s voice.

“Anything Jay.” She replied.

“Let me be the one outside the window from now on.” His eyes filled with hope.

“Always,” She replied a smiling wiping across her face. “Though I don’t think I’ll need someone there much anymore.”

“I know.” He replied. “But I’m here if you do.” With this he took his sister’s hand, still so small, in his own.

“I know.” She replied squeezing his fingers tight with her own.