Final Goodbye

I hated this old barn when I was a kid. I hate it now more than ever. Everything I've tried to forget is washing over me. If I can just get through this day I can finally move on.

As a kid, we lived on this 160 acre farm in Oklahoma. The house is small and the barn is big. Everything happened in this big ole barn. My hound had all her puppies in here. And we had barn cats galore. We had a couple of pigs, two horses, three milk cows and six ornery old goats. And let's not forget the stray hen or two that literally flew the coup and nested in the barn. Their eggs naturally brought in a snake or two. As a bonus for the snakes were the mice drawn in by the animal feed. There was all manner of creepy crawlies and flying critters. It was a regular Charlotte's Web kind of place.

For me, it meant lots of chores caring for animals, feeding and cleaning. And long hot summer nights with the scent of animal manure, urine and hay. The house only has two bedrooms-- my parents had one and my two sisters had the second. This put me and my two brothers in the bunkhouse in the barn. The smells aside, it wasn't all bad. We were able to easily sneak out and back in at night or sneak someone in and back out again. If Dad knew he never let on. I'm certain he knew though. I think he just didn't care as long as things didn't get out of hand. Boys will be boys and all that. It's how things were viewed then. Not that I ever did much. One hot steamy kiss in the dark interrupted by my brothers was the only thing I ever did. The guy panicked and ran off into the dark. He never talked to me or hung out with me after that. Thankfully, my brothers missed my almost romantic encounter. Now THAT, Dad would have cared about. I'm sure he would have beat the shit out of me had he known. Him and Mom would have probably got the Church involved to try and "fix" me. Or maybe he would have threatened me or maybe shunned me. At that age I didn't want to ever find out so I made sure he never knew. As far as I know, he went to his grave not knowing about me. It was probably wrong of me to hide my authentic self from him. It's just one of those things like a thousand other things you wonder if you should have done differently.

I left home at nineteen to go be worldly in the National Guard. In those days it was "don't ask don't tell." Thank God a lot has changed since those days. Now you have the support of an entire LGBTQ community and can be totally open and not closeted in fear. But not back then and especially not here. Maybe still not here. I stayed gone long after my short term of military service was over. Thirty years altogether. For a gay man there was nothing here for me in rural Oklahoma. California provided me a much freer place to live an authentic, unfettered life.

During my time away my sisters left home and married. One has divorced and remarried three times. That wasn't hard to figure since every pole in this barn has her initials with the initials of her heart throb of the moment. Amy may love often but she loves hard. However, she's been with her current man seven years so that's a record.

My other sister died of an overdose. Right here in this barn. Curled up in the hay like a new born calf, the heroin needle still hanging from her arm. Her husband introduced her to heroin right after they married. She was just twenty-two. After fifteen years of hell on earth, it was time for her to go live as an angel in Heaven. That's what Mom said anyway. I miss the sister she was when we were kids. I had no use or time for the addict she became. I still struggle with the guilt of that. Dead at just thirty-seven years old. But if she couldn't help herself, how could I have helped? I'm glad she is set free. I'm just sorry I left Mom & Dad to deal with it alone. Rest in peace Carla. I did love you. And Richard, you piece of shit, I hope our paths don't cross while I'm here.

Dad died ten years ago leaving this barn on his tractor. Massive heart attack and fell right off. The tractor ran into Moms car. That's what alerted Mom something had happened. Mom wasn't the same after that. Her and Dad were married fifty-two years. I can't imagine losing your other half after that many years together. Hell, I can't even imagine being with the same person that many years. I've never married. Me and Amy are alike when it comes to relationship skills. Only she has me beat with her seven year record. My longest relationship was three and a half years. Then Steve left me like all the others. I'm too emotionally distant he said. Actually that's what all my love interests have said. Come to think of it that's what everyone has always said. Aloof. Cold. Indifferent. Withdrawn. Restrained. Reserved. Uninvested. I've been labeled so many ways. Judgment, loss and pain does that to you. Or at least it has to me.

Brother Jake died here too, at just sixteen. Him and brother Bill, fourteen, were wrestling in the loft and Jake fell backwards eighteen feet and broke his neck. I saw it all happen. I should have stopped them. I knew better but they had done it a thousand times over the years. We all had. That was a really bad day. I left home the year after that.

Mom and Bill stayed here even after everyone else was gone. I only came back for funerals. Mom passed six months ago.

As executor of Mom's estate I tidied up all her affairs. The farm was sold to a grower. With medical Marijuana passing in Oklahoma a couple of years ago, the industry blew up. Farms like this old place were and still are in high demand. So it brought a good price for me and Bill and Amy. This barn was actually a plus. Who knew something I hated so much would be such an asset. All Bill had to say about the sale was "you're a prick, you know that?" I think that was exactly why Mom made me executor so I'd do what she knew Bill and Amy wouldn't. Amy used her money to remodel her house and built a room for Bill.

I guess being mad at me made sense. Bill never left this place. And didn't want to leave. I left this place and never wanted to come back. Today I put Bill to rest. He lived here and died here. If the farm had a cemetery I would have buried him in it. Instead he was cremated so I came to sprinkle his ashes. I should have realized how hard everything was on him. He was drinking heavily at Mom's funeral but hell, we lost our Mom. So getting the call from Amy that the new farm owner found Bill dead in the barn was a gut punch I didn't expect. Died of drunkenness and exposure. The temperature was frigid that night they said. Why the hell did he go back there instead of staying with Amy and her man? Some say he was so drunk at the bar that night he probably just forgot and went home where he had lived for forty-five years. Until I put him out. RIP baby brother. Happy frigging New Year.

Damn this old barn. So many good memories here overshadowed by so much pain and loss. If it was still mine I'd burn it to the ground. But instead I'm here to take a final look around. Spread Bill's ashes. Say my final goodbye.

The deed is done now. I can feel the sun beating down on my neck as I walk away. Now, it's hot. And just a few days ago it was so god damn cold my brother froze to death. Fuck you Oklahoma and your contrary ever changing weather. A lump in my throat is choking me and damn if tears aren't flowing. Time to get gone. And I won't be coming back here ever again.