“Answer the phone. Answer the phone. I command you to answer it. Answer it!”
“Bobby, who are you talking to?”
“Huh? Mom? Wait—I can’t, I’m—I’m on the phone. I’m trying to see if the store has something in stock but these stupid people aren’t ans—“
“Hello, excuuuuse me? Who you callin’ stupid?”
“Oh, hi. Sorry ma’am. I was just trying to see if you have…”
“Hold on. Transfer.”
“Ye-llow.”
“Hi. I want to see if you have frankincense.”
“Pranking since?”
“Frankincense.”
“Frack acense? Let me check. No.”
“Did you look?”
“Yes.”
“Really? You looked that quick. Like, in a span of one second.
“Yes, mmhmm.”
“Frankincense is that close to you right now.”
“Frank—oh! Hold on. Transfer.”
“Finally. Stupid…”
“Yo, this is Frank”
"Hello?”
“Yes, this is Frank.”
“Frank? Good God.”
“Hello? Frank here.”
“Hi Frank. I was calling to see if you had any Frankincense.”
“Yeah this is Frank.”
“No, Frankincense. Frank as in uh, you, and incense like those stink stick things you light up.”
“You mean like those stink bombs? You want to throw a stink bomb at me, pal? Is that what you’re sayin’?”
“No, incense. I as in Ivan, n as in Nancy, c as in Carl, e as in Edna, n as in Nathan, s as in Sam, e as in Ed.”
“Naw. None of those people are working right now. I think Carl’s coming in at 6:00. Let me check the schedule.”
“No! Frank as in you. And incense. I as in ice cream, n as in napkins, c as in cup, e as in eggs, n as in noodles, s as in syrup, e as in egg rolls.
“Yeah we have all of that here, kid. Hey, look why don’t you just come in and take a gander at what we got, huh?”
“Frankincense. Frank. Like you. Incense. I as in idiot. N as in nutcase. C as in crapface. E as in end my life now. N as in not getting through to you. S as in stupidity and E as in everyone at your store sucks.”
“Oh, Frankincense. Why didn’t you just say that? Yeah we got that. We got loads of it, right up by the register.”
"Great. Is there a chance you can hold on to a box for me?"
"Uhh. Hold on. Transfer."
* * *
© M. Lee / All rights reserved.
Peanuts and Crackerjack
Bottom of the ninth inning. The game is tied with two outs, two strikes and a man on second. I tap the bat on home plate. The rigid vibrations it creates reminds my aching digits that this isn't over. The practice swing only adds to the heft of mental burnout... Man on second, willing to chance it. Pitcher eyes him but doesn't give in to the dangerous bluff. I kick up dust, readying the peculiar stance I've had since the days of little league. The bat lays stiff upon my cramping shoulder. Pain has no reason to be acknowledged; it's a fleeting afterthought. The sun sits passed high noon, but the stadium lights are on anyway. They trick my brain into believing they are the cause of this sweltering heat. Sporadic clouds are motionless, they too, don't want to miss this exhilarating predicament. Anticipating the next pitch, intensifying roars from the crowd rumble the stadium... Behind me, the crafty catcher adjusts his stance and spits to the dry dirt. Behind him, the staunch umpire doesn't flinch or even blink; he knows how important his call will be. The pitcher winds up, his grip tells me its gonna curve. The release is fierce! Beads of sweat from his hair and face disperse in every direction as the force of his might is unfailing. My left leg lifts—an instinctual move that will increase the power of my swing. It's all down to my two, bloodshot eyes. They lock onto the speeding, white dot as it instantly becomes the target I intend to destroy. The swing is late, but I manage a solid tip. The ball is taking a fast bounce toward the pitcher who is recovering from the almighty throw! Man on second leaves in a desperate rush! I fling the bat to the side with a sense of urgency and make a mad sprint to the only destination I have—first base. Three defenders race inward to be the first to retrieve the skidding ball. Man is almost on third! I watch the open glove of my adversary, wondering if I’ve done enough to win this race. I switch my attention to his eyes, looking for a clue, some kind of reaction that tells me the ball is in the air and heading his way. All I see is frustration. The deafening roar of the crowd spikes! Something happens that I can’t see! My opponent abandons his post right as my left stride touches the bag. I waste no time turning my head to see the pitcher laying on his stomach, pounding the mound with an open glove. He misses the opportunity to out me and the ball has quickly bounced past him. Excitement grows! This isn’t over yet... It's become an imperative fight to tag out the runner heading homeward. The catcher falls to his knees in obvious despair as he watches my teammate make the run of his life. He knows it’s going to be close when he sees the shortstop fumble the ball a second too long. I jump up and down with no plans on leaving first base. All my chips are on the speed and agility of the active runner. His cleats dig into the dirt, trailing a dust-filled cyclone from the rapid and strenuous strides. With a thrusting dive and an outstretched arm, he lands on his chest to begin the crucial slide to home plate. The shortstop fires the ball to the catcher! It immediately begins closing the gap! Nail-biting doesn't begin to describe the anxious vibe permeating the stadium. The bench begins to celebrate even before he reaches the plate. Forty thousand cheering fans reach maximum crescendo, filling the air with a glorious sound. Everyone knows how this story will end… My teammate is met by the entire bench as his fingers inch across home plate, instantly followed by the unmistakable motion of the catcher's glove attempting to tag him out—its milliseconds too late. The ump swings his arms outward, officially calling him safe.
By Lamar Wiggins6 days ago in Fiction
Comments (1)
E as in end my life right now 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 God this story was so frustrating and hilarious! Hahahahahahahhaha!