Embracing Love's Dance: A Journey of Intimacy and Surrender

I used to sneer at love, so when Xia Ni leaned on my shoulder, I didn't dodge away. She was breathing heavily, her warm breath on my neck. "What's your name?" I asked her. "Xia Ni," she smiled. I took her home, and we tumbled down onto the bed together. The floor thumped like a tap dance from the last century. She giggled, her eyes close to mine, as were our mouths. All the metaphorically intimate organs were pressed together. Boldly, I thought, maybe love is just sex. She was searching for herself on my body. She ruffled my hair that looked spiky like a hedgehog and marveled at discovering the tenderness others hadn't noticed.

I had always stubbornly believed that love was just love, unrelated to anything else. It was simply two naked people loving each other, nourishing one another with love. If one person stopped loving, the other would have no sustenance. For survival, you had to devour the other person, swallowing bones and blood, and then go find another lover.

I woke up, hearing Xia Ni's steady breathing, at least for now, we hadn't turned on each other. Everything was enveloped by love. She woke up, turned her head, and hugged me, resting against my chest, rubbing my blue stubble with her thumb. "Are you alright?" she asked me. "Of course, I am," I replied. She smiled in relief. Intimacy doesn't mean anything. It's not about prying for evidence or providing a certificate of love.

Xia Ni hopped like a rabbit to brush her teeth. Soon, the house was filled with her traces. She liked to cook with lots of chili, sometimes I ate it, and sometimes I didn't. So she vowed not to cook that for me anymore. Every time she tidied up, she would find my stack of journals. She asked about my past relationships, my lovers, and how many people I had loved. But she was just asking, with no intention of making me answer.

For a while, she stopped coming to my place, and I didn't inquire; it just meant she found a better place. Many Xia Nis left their marks here, escaping before turning on each other.

One day, Xia Ni suddenly returned, pulling a suitcase. It was pouring rain outside, and she got drenched, with water droplets falling from the hem of her skirt. She walked in, bringing the storm with her. I felt like a storm was raging inside the room too. I was somewhat glad and somewhat shocked. All my emotions melted into a smile on my face. She smiled too, like two strangers meeting in a wasteland. And then, the house was filled with her traces again. I used to believe love was just love, two naked people, but there were disguises on the skin and desires beyond the spirit. We revisited my bed; Xia Ni touched my hair, saying it had grown long since she left. "Yes, I haven't cut it since you left," I said. I felt my response was ambiguous, containing a hint of affection. I didn't want to express my grievances and pitiful tone, like a sour person. "Screw you," she laughed and playfully hit me. But her blows weren't light, and as she kept hitting, she started crying, and I saw her become more and more blurred until there was only a silhouette left.

I held her, hearing the resonance in our chests, and I cried too, tears and snot smearing all over her pajamas. I didn't look like a man at all.

I had always thought love should be pure, just love, nothing else. But it wasn't like that. Love involved money, touched on interests, and was trapped in desire. Love, like the feast of chili she made, made my throat burn. When I realized it, it was already too late. I'm dying; one day, I will be killed by her. But I can't bring myself to hate her. When you truly love someone, you will fall in love with everything about them, including the mosquito bites on their legs, the scabs from scratching, the bruises of green and purple. You will find them silly and adorable and love every inch of them.

"Let's get married," Xia Ni suddenly said. "Alright." Just like that? "Yes, just like that, day by day." Xia Ni, I'm dying, and it's because of you. Helpless, I surrender with a white flag to the love that I used to sneer at.