Effects of Abuse Pt. 1

Jessica

I was woken up by a loud bang and knew what was happening. I suddenly started to panic, thinking of ways that I could calm him down. The girls were home, sleeping. I had tried so hard to keep them from seeing the truth of what was really happening. So they had been spending a lot of weekends at my sisters, but she was out of town for the weekend. I laid there waiting, my mind racing. I knew he must have been drunk. He kept banging things. As much as I knew it wasn't a good idea, I felt like I had to go out there to get him to be quiet or he would wake up the girls. So I got up. I stond at the door for a moment and took a deep breath. Preparing myself for what was going to happen. I went out there to see the mess of what he was doing. He looked like he was looking for something.

"What's going on? Are you looking for something?" I asked him.

He stared at me almost like he had daggers in his eyes. He looked so angry at me. "What do you want? Of course, I don't need your help, no one needs your help," he yelled at me. I looked down at the ground, afraid to look him in the eyes. "Of course not," I responded, "It's just the girls are sleeping. We don't want to wake them up." I tried to get through to him, however he was so drunk that he didn't see anything around him. The girls got woken up by the yelling and were standing in the doorway of their room. He clearly didn't see them. He was so close to me, yelling so loudly. Then he put his hands around my throat. I tried to get out don't or please, but no words would come out. Then he hit me so hard in the face that I fell to the ground. I looked up at the girls who looked terrified and had started to cry, screaming for him to stop.

Finally I got out, "Please the girls." I guess that got through to him. He looked at them, and then without any more words he went into the bedroom. I guess to pass out. I stayed on the ground for a moment to gather myself. Then I got up and put the girls back in bed. "It's okay, everything is okay," I tried to reassure them. "What's wrong with Daddy?" one of the girls asked. They looked at me so unsure, so scared. "He just isn't himself. But everything will be okay. It's over now. Daddy will be back to himself in the morning. No matter what happens, know that Daddy and I love you very much," was all I could think to say. I put them back to sleep, and went out into the living room. I stond in the mess of my life, knowing the one thing that I had said I won't let happen had suddenly happened. So what was I going to do now? Well I cleaned up the living room and went to bed.

The next morning the girls and I didn't talk about what had happened. We ate breakfast like everything was fine. He woke up and at first just sat down to eat. "I'm sorry for what happened last night girls," he said to them. They said so innocently, "Why were you so angry?" I could see him pause unsure what to say. "Daddy was very wrong for what happened. Sometimes adults make mistakes, but I promise that it won't happen again." He said the words, but was it true? Did he mean them?

A few days later my sister came back from her trip, and wanted to stop by. Luckily Dan was at work. The only problem was that I had a large bruise on my face from when he had hit me. I tried to put makeup on and then wore large sunglasses, and hoped that would cover it. We talked about her trip, like nothing was wrong. I was trying so hard to fake it, but I was so terrified she would see the truth. Then she said, "Why are you wearing those glasses? Take them off." Before I could say anything she pulled off my glasses, and clearly could see the bruise. "Oh my goodness, what happened to you?" "Nothing," I responded.

"Don't tell me nothing, look at your face," she said concerned. I put the glasses back on and looked at the girls playing in the yard. This was the moment, my moment of decision. Was I going to make something up, or tell the truth.

I started to cry, and then said to her, "He didn't mean it. He was just so drunk, and we had a fight. He hit me, but it's really okay." "This isn't okay. Did the girls see?" "Yes, he already said he was sorry to them and it isn't going to happen again."

I could see the wheels turning in her head as she put things together. "So this is why you have been asking me to take the girls so much?" she asked and all I could do was nod to her, "Well you're leaving clearly." "Not clearly, it's not as easy as that. He is my husband, the father of my children. I can't."

"You need to leave. What is he going to do next time? What if he really seriously hurts you?" "He's not going to," I said the words but I didn't really believe them. "You can't tell me that. You just don't know that. Please will you just promise me that you will consider it, that you will seriously think about leaving," she pleaded with me. "Okay, I'll think about it," I promised her, and I meant it. I knew she meant well, maybe she was right.

Isabella

She stond in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at herself. Blood was coming down her face. How did she get here, she wondered. He had been getting angrier at her, but she never thought that this was going to happen.

She remembers the first time she saw her mother like this. Blood on her face, cleaning herself up in the bathroom, house a mess. She remembers seeing it and thinking that she would never let herself be in the same situation. However, here she was, in the exact same position. How had this happened? Ricky was so sweet when they met. He was her saviour, the only one that showed her any attention, the only one that made her feel like she was special. She was certain when they moved away together after high school that they would be together forever, happy forever. But now here she was, standing there in the one spot that she didn't want to be in. She started to clean herself up, trying to tell her that she was okay, that everything would be okay. And she started to tell herself all the ways she could do better. If she could just be better, then everything was going to be okay. It was really her fault after all, she just had to be a better person. Then she went into the living room, and started to clean up. She went to bed with the house looking like it never happened, if only she could look the same.

In the morning she made breakfast and decided to pretend like it never happened. But eventually he said, "Are you okay?" "I'll be fine," I answered.

"I'm sorry baby," he said so sweetly, "I didn't mean to get that angry. I had been drinking, and you just made me so mad." "I know I did, I know it was my fault. I promise that I will do better," I said to him. "I hope so because I don't want to have to do that again," he said, "You know I love you so much. I'm going to be with you forever, and all I want is for us to be happy, and I will never be without you. It's not going to happen again." He put his hand on mine and I actually did believe him. I believed that he meant everything that he was saying.

Jessica

For a while we were happy once again. It seemed like the girls had forgotten about what happened. Though for me I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He had been drinking, but only a little. He swore that as long as he didn't get drunk then it would be fine. However, I knew that eventually it would happen. One night he went out with his friends. He swore that everything would be okay. I wanted to tell him not to go, knowing that nothing good was going to come from this. I should have told him not to go, but I didn't. I was too afraid to tell him how I honestly felt, too afraid that it would set him off. I woke up in the middle of the night to him on top of me. I didn't know what was happening.

I remember saying, "Stop please."

I just wanted to get my barings. It's an shocking way to be woken up in the middle of the night. He stopped and said "Stop? Why? I'm your husband, can't I do whatever I want?" Clearly he was angry. I tried to think of what I could say to make it better. So I just said, "I was sleeping, you have to give me a minute to wake up here."

He looked down at me so angry. I just wanted a minute to wake up really. I felt like I had woken up to being attacked, which is not a good feeling at all. "I don't have to do anything," he yelled at me

And suddenly he had hit me in the face. I wasn't expecting it, so I wasn't protecting myself. But he just kept hitting while he yelled at me. Though I don't remember what he was saying. I just remember feeling of totally and complete fear. At some point I knew that I had to protect my face. He clearly wasn't stopping any time soon. So I fought to get my arms and hands over my face to shield myself. He just kept hitting, hitting my face and my whole upper body. Eventually he stopped. I really think he stopped just because he got tired. And then he rolled over, saying, "You bitch."

I took a minute to gather myself. Telling myself that it was over and I could breath. I went to the bathroom to see what I could clean up, and to see the damage that he had done. I looked in the mirror and saw all the damage he had done. I fell to the ground and cried. What was I going to do? I wasn't sure.

The damage on my whole body got worse for a few days. We didn't talk about what had happened this time. I was too scared to bring it up. I tried to cover it up as much as I could for the girls. But it was still there, especially because my face was black and blue. I stayed in the house for days, afraid to see anyone. I knew that if anyone saw me they would see what I looked like. There was no hiding it. I also knew that I had to do something. I just wasn't sure what that was.

Isabella

For a while we were happy. I really did believe that as long as I did better that it won't happen again. Really it was mine fault, I told myself. I was making dinner one night. Ricky was going on about a problem that happened at work. As he recounted the days events he was getting more and more heated.

Then he said to me, "Don't you agree?" I paused and just said, "Well..."

I shouldn't have said that, really I don't know what I was thinking. I continued cooking, but I heard him get up and was standing in the doorway. "You agree with him?"

I should have heard the tone in his voice, I should have heard the anger. I should have stopped talking. I should have done a lot of things, however I did none of them. Instead I said, "Well you have to think of it from his view point. He was just trying to do his job."

He didn't say anything. Without notice or warning, he threw me across the room. I hit the door hard, and fell to the ground. I knew right away that my arm was broken due to how much pain that I was in. I laid there hoping that it was over, unsure I could take any more. He yelled at me for a while as he stond over me. I can't tell you what he said as I was in so much pain, and could not at all pay attention. After a while he stop and went back to waiting for dinner. I knew that I had to get up, staying down was not an option. So I got myself together and somehow finished dinner with one arm. I put my arm in a sling which helped only a little bit after dinner. I cleaned up, and didn't say anything about what was wrong.

The next day I knew I had to go to the doctor's. I should have thought of a plan of what I was going to say, but I didn't. Of course, the doctor's first question was, "So what happened?"

I opened my mouth and said the first thing I could think of, "I fell of a ledge. I wasn't paying attention and fell backwards." He was looking at my arm, and I could see the questioning look on his face. "Really?" he said.

"Yeah, I really don't pay attention what I am doing half the time," I answered. He took that answer, though I knew that he didn't believe me. Of course my arm was put into a cast which I had to wear for a few weeks. I hoped that would show him that he couldn't do it to me again.

When he got home he saw my arm and said, "Are you okay? It's broken?"

"Yes, it's broken."

He paused and then said, "What did you tell the doctor's?" "That I fell off a ledge, I should have thought of a better story before I went. But I stuck to it so I think he believed me." "Really? You lied for me?"

I looked at him honestly surprised, "Of course I did. I will always protect you. We are a team after all, right?" "Yes, it means a lot that you would lie for me."

"Look no matter what happens, I will always protect you. I will always do anything for you."

He kissed me and said, "Thank you. We are in this together forever. I promise it won't happen again. I only want us to be happy, and I will do anything to make you happy."

Looking in his eyes I knew he meant it. I felt like he had seen the issue, that this was his awakening moment. And I believed that we would be happy forever.

Jessica

A few days went by and of course you could still see what was on my face. I tried to hide it, but it was so hard to do. The girls of course, asked what had happened. And I just lied and said I had fallen. They took the answer without any more questions, they were only kids. My sister came over a few days later. The bruises were still there though not as bad as they were. It was easier to hide. I hadn't been out of the house since it had happened afraid to show my face to the world. I covered up as much as I could. I should have told her no I guess. Or maybe I wanted her to come over and see it.

After a while she said, "What's been going on here? Why are you hiding your face?" Without thinking I took off my hood and my glasses, and showed her my face. "Oh my goodness," she said, "What happened?"

I put my glasses back on and started to cry as I answered her, "He just got so angry. Luckily the girls didn't hear anything and didn't wake up. Most likely because I didn't fight back. It was much worst a day or two ago. So I haven't left my house, afraid people would ask questions."

"You need to leave." "I can't do that. It's just not as easy as that. He's my husband."

"So? He's going to kill you if you stay here. You can't seriously think that you can stay with him after this. You need to leave." I really did think about what she was saying, but I was so scared. Scared of the unknown, scared to leave, scared to stay, just scared.

"And go where?" I asked her.

"To my house. I know this is scary, but I promise everything will be okay. I will protect you. If you stay here, he is going to kill you."

"I can't promise you that I won't go back," I told her honestly.

"Let's just get you out," she said to me.

I agreed, and we packed up as quickly as we could. I left a note saying, 'I'm sorry I can't do this. I'm too scared to be here.' It was the truth. We packed whatever we could fit in my sisters car, and left. I wasn't sure what I was going to do or if I was ever going to go back. All I knew was that I couldn't stay there. She was right, he was going to kill me. So I left into the unknown, terrified.

- T