Edna Clutterbuck had an Argument

Edna slammed the door with such force the windows rattled. She paused in the hallway, her arm leaning against the wall, her heavy breathing causing her left bingo wing to flap in pent up rage. She fumbled in the pocket of her M&S slacks, rooted out her e-cigarette, which was promptly dispatched into her ‘Hawaiian pink’ lips. She clicked it on, dragging like there was no tomorrow. Sighing the vapour out she caught sight of herself in the mirror – her mouth was a singular pink slash and her face looked like thunder whilst the rest of her, due to the vape, looked like she was on fire. “Ay” she said to her own reflection “I’m that bloody angry. That sodding Winne Hainsworth, she’s a bloody nerve…Derek! … Derek? Where the bloody hell are you?”

A chair rumbled against the floorboards upstairs, followed by the sound of Derek’s light feet “ Did something come amiss at the Pately Players? You look mad as Hell.” Derek observed his wife of seventy years, with a mixture of trepidation and longing as he descended the stairs. Even after all these years Edna effected him like no other woman could. His mind drifted off, remembering it was a Wednesday and hoping that his wife’s mood wouldn’t mean a cancellation of their afternoon delight session – it was 12pm; normally he’d be fumbling at her girdle by this time.

“I am as mad as Hell. That Winnie, she’s gone too far this time. How she ever thinks she can play Tallulah, I’ll never know. She couldn’t stop a pig in a passage with them bow legs of hers. And she’s bloody massive! Tallulah is young! I mean, I am 84, but I’ve the body of a 60 year old. At least that’s what Doctor Thwaite says. Look at Winnie, she’s been out to pasture since her Fred died! How can she expect to be the lead in “The Pately Players present Bugsy Malone’? Edna paused to catch her breath, closing her eyes to gain composure, her iridescent pink manicured fingers massaging her temples. “Pfff, I need a stiff drink after this. Derek – pour me a sherry, I need to steady my nerves.”

Derek glided into the lounge, opened the drinks cabinet and placed two sherry glasses on the gold crochet doily Edna had made in one of her community classes. The sherry gurgled its way into the lead crystal glasses and Edna grabbed the nearest one to her, downing it, and slamming it back on the drinks cabinet with such force her ornaments rattled. “Do us another Derek.” Derek did as he was told and filled her glass, handing the lipstick stained vessel to his wife. “Here you go love” Edna reached out for the glass, simultaneously patting the waddle under her chin and began doing her Sophia Loren facial exercises.

She let out another sigh, running her hand across her cheeks. “She said some awful things to me Derek. She said I’ve a face as wrinkly as a Savoy cabbage and my legs look like overstuffed chicken sausages! I’ve always had good legs!” She turned to face Derek, her blue eyes glistening with tears. “Nay, lass. You’re as pretty as a picture. That Winnie Hainsworth couldn’t hold a candle to you. You’re my little flower.” Edna dabbed her eyes, leaving mascara and rouge on her handkerchief. “I could swing for her Derek” said Edna as her eyes thinned and nearly vanished in a sea of wrinkles.

Derek wrapped his arms around her and started to sing “Did you ever see a dream walking” gently swaying him and Edna side to side. Edna begrudgingly joined in. “ Ooh, Twinkle toes” said Edna as they began to dance “Forget Winnie, she won’t do it. She looks after them grand kids of hers, she won’t be able to do that, learn her lines and do the choreography.” As he dipped Edna, then spun her across the room “Mmmm, that is true.” Said Edna grabbing Derek’s hand, whilst Derek’s other hand gently glided down her back and cupped her flat bum cheek. “Cheeky” said Edna as Derek leant in for a kiss.