Dreaming, Surfing and Devastation

The dreams don't stop. I've gone weeks without sleep, just to get away from the terror. Every time my eyes close, I see it over and over again. Counseling or any other therapy doesn't help, just makes the memory of the event more real. I've had to move away from home to try and find peace from that awful day. The water is where I loved to be, now I find myself in the desert, trying to get as far away from it as possible.

Growing up, I was always in the water with my dad. He was a champion surfer. The stunts and tricks he would do, to keep the crowd going and cheering his name, was more than remarkable. I can still hear them, "Brody, Brody, Brody..." He surfed his whole life and taught me everything he could about the water. The dangers of being out alone, what to watch for when you aren't alone, and make sure you can always get back to shore. My dad owned a surfboard shop just right on the beach in Florida. He would sponsor other surfers and surfing competitions, just to be involved and help the next surfer out. But, other than surfing, he was an amazing dad. He was always there when I needed him.

It was the last day of the biggest surfing competition of the summer. My dad had made it to the final rounds and had been called for a 15-minute preparation before having to go out for his last surf to be judged. During that time, the wind had picked up more than it had all day. With the wind, came bigger waves, and most likely storm clouds, however, there weren't any clouds in the sky yet. My dad got more excited, "I'm sure to catch a great wave now!" One of the judges had asked him if he wanted to wait to see if the wind would calm down, but my dad wasn't up for waiting. He wanted the biggest wave he could get without the high tide. My dad kissed me on my forehead and said, "I love you, baby girl. Wish me luck." Then, he ran out to the water. He got to a place to wait for his wave, then he saw it. He paddled to the huge wall of water coming up and started to do his thing on that surfboard, wowing the audience and making the show great. Then everyone saw it... The great white shark, inside the wall of water, just next to my dad. I heard his scream, as he unstrapped himself from his board and went into the water before the wave crashed. He started swimming back to shore. The crowd of people started to run away from the waterline screaming and yelling, but all I could do was run out to the water. My dad's childhood friend Marty, grabbed me before I could get into the water too far. "DAD! HURRY!" I screamed out. I saw his head coming in and out of the water, getting to the shore as quickly as he could, until he rages out of the water, screaming louder than I've ever heard. Then, the great white shark came out of the water, mouth wide opened, and chomping its jaw onto my dad. The water turned red, as waves washed up pieces of my dad, right next to me. I screamed and cried out, sitting in the sandy, bloody water. The crowd ran away out of fear, there was only a reporter and Marty there with me. The deepest feeling of fear and loneliness came over me.

My mom had passed away giving birth to me, so it had always just been my dad and me. He never remarried, and I never knew of him to have a girlfriend. His life was all about me and surfing, and my dad was my hero. My world. The day that great white took my dad's life, I have not been the same. I've been told, "Oh, well your dad was doing what he loved to do. You have to let it go" or "Your dad is always with you in your heart", but he can't hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay. That's because nothing is okay, he's not here.

Every time I close my eyes, I relive that day. I moved to the deserts of Arizona, just to get away from the sights of surfboards, or even the water. Nevertheless, it's not enough. That shark took my life away from me. My dad and I had big plans of growing the surf shop and being a big part of the up-and-coming surfers, but my drive to be in the water is taken by fear. To be able to just close my eyes and rest, without the terrorizing screams coming back to haunt me, would be so great. Therapists just want to give me sleeping pills to knock me out, but those have only made the memories come back stronger. I feel like I'm stuck in a dream and can't wake up. One therapist had mentioned that it may not hurt to revisit the beach and just to find some peace and closure. It may not be a bad idea. So, I started to plan a weekend trip back home, to Florida. Maybe it will help me. I make sure to get it all together for the upcoming weekend, so I can't chicken out.

The days come, for my flight to take me back to Florida. I'm nervous, and scared. I called Marty and asked if he would be able to go to the beach with me. "I'm sorry sweetness, I'm out of town. Or, I would love to be there with you! Please stay at our home and make yourself at home. Stay as long as you need to." I'm sad to go alone, but maybe it's better. As I make my way off the plane, I start to call a cab to pick me up and take me straight to the beach.

When I get to the beach, I'm overwhelmed with grief and fear. The sun is already setting and the water is really calm. I put all my things at the picnic tables and walk out to the waterline. I can hear my dad's voice. "I love you, baby girl." I just keep walking into the water, the deeper I go, the freer I feel. I don't have any fear. Then, there it is in the distance. A fin peeking out of the water. The fate that has brought me back here. I take a couple more steps out, as the fin gets closer to me. Goodbye cruel world, my dad is waiting for me on the other side.