Deer Sissy
A letter to Heather from the backwoods
Cain't say no to a challenge from Heather! This is for the Write me a letter challenge.
Deer Sissy,
I jes thot I wood rite and ketch you up on things since you bin gone. By the way, this is me, just so you don't have to wait til the end to figger it out. Momma sez hi, and told me to hurry up cuz I gotta change her bath water soon. I guess this will be a short letter.
Doc had ta come by yestiddy. Cousin Teddy had ta have a light bulb removed from his beehind. I swar, somebody gots ta find that boy a hobby. Aunt Tilly had a good stash of Uncle Eddy's last batch in the pantry, so it's all paid fer and Teddy's almost walkin normul agin.
While Doc wuz here, he hadda take a look at Missy Weeks backside, too. She sat on a prickly pear while she was peein' in the bushes and got her rump all fulla prickles. Her momma got em all out, but Doc had ta put some dis-in-sumthin on it. She howled so loud a cyotee down in the canyun howled back.
That ol barn cat you like so much tangled with a polecat last week. I finally caught him and got all the har off'n him. Had ta sharpen my knife twice, but I didn't nick him too much. He smells a lot better, but he sure looks funny. Scratched me up sumthin fierce, so I reckon we both do. The dawgs still don't want nuthin ta do with him.
It's bin purty quiet here since then. Pappy's bin up on the hill heppin Uncle Eddy move his operation agin and it's jes bin Momma and me. I found a possum in the road that wuz purty fresh and I rocked a big ol rattler the other day so we got enuf fer the two of us fer a while. Oh, and eggs from Grammas chickins cuz we promised her a jug when Pappy comes back down.
Sorry about takin so long ta git back ta ritin this, but Momma was startin to holler. I'll hafta hep her git outa the tub purty soon, so I better git dun. That's about all the news fer now, anyhow. Hope yer doin good and you git home soon. Oh, Buddy Jones wanted me to ask you to the church social fer him, but I tole him you wuz too good fer the likes a him, and he could ask you hisself, cuz I ain't no messinjer.
Luv,
Me (Like I said up yonder.)
PS I almost fergot. We got that ree-corder thing from Delbert down the hill and I wuz gunna make a tape fer ya, but ever since I went out behind the barn with Suzy Cox, I got this big thing on my lip that really hurts and makes me talk funny. Not funny haha but funny weird. Doc said sumthin about “her pees?” I dunno, but if she did that, I ain't askin her out there agin.
About the Creator
Dana Crandell
Dad, Stedpad, Grandpa, Husband, lover of Nature and dogs.
Poet, Writer, Editor, Photographer, Artist and Tech/Internet nerd. Content writer by trade. Vocal Creator by choice.
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Comments (48)
HA!
Congratulations on your Top Story And Also The win 🏆 for Heathers Challenge🎉👀😆📝That Gave me a Chance to come back to Read 📖 and Chuckle again😂🤣👍Great Job❗
I actually howled with laughter at some points in this letter - this is fantastic. You really know how to commit to the bit! The part about the prickly pear had me doubled over 😂 Fantastic!
I admire Your ability to commit fully to character. Talk about true immersion. "I swar, somebody gots ta find that boy a hobby." - If I didn't know any better, I would've sworn it was a line pulled straight from King of the Hill. This is a "That boy ain't right" kind of moment. Freaking hilarious. Hopesfullee Missy Weeks won't be sittin' hur seet on dat' same prickle bush agen. Let me no wen dem' old barn cat slings a litter of kitters. Got some fearce bush tails up here roonin our crops. Need suum fearce blood round deese parts. Dat dem der possum sounds mightee tastee. Jus make sure You don't get Yerself in a ficksin' wen Yous goes to get Yerself a fickshin of dat' rattler'. Doent eet its hed. Jus toss it in 'er fire. Ben awile since I had mees some rattler pie. Goods eetin'. Imma fisckin to be back an' tellin Buddy Jones to gro sum stones. Cuz Yer' Sissy dersurv a reals man. One hoo's onest bowt wat he wants in a ladee. Careful bowt that Suzy Cox. That ain't hur reel lass naem, yu heer? She go 'ron kissin' tooooooo mans'ee roosters. She got that her pees cuz she reemooved that 'L' from hur holes. If yoos nose wat I meen. Lub, Taves
Well done!
Nice work
Hurray! Back to say, congrats!
Hillarious and brilliantly done! Loved the twist at the end! And super congrats on Top Story! 🤍
Perfect!
grear bro , great job
I love everything from the beginning to the end! Nice work Dana😅
Absolutely hilarious. Sounds like some of my more rural relatives. Lol. Great job. Congratulations.
Dana, you must have been fighting hard against auto-correct on this one. A lot of fun to read. Good work getting Top Story
Awesome.. check my stories too
Donchya know ya gotta git yer food by shootin fer it sos ya find summa dat good ole mountain gold!
This is really funny! Great letter!
Genius. The broken English was a touch of gold! Great letter. 👏🏼🩵
LOL Dana! This was Brilliant! 😂
Honestly how did you manage to do this??? So funny and well done!
Yayyyyy congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
I. Am. Deceased. This is the funniest thing I’ve read on this platform. It takes a high level of cleverness to write this way—creating a feeble minded backwoods character, staying in that character from start to finish, and phonetically spelling out the dialect. It’s pure genius to sound this dumb. And you gave us all these other characters too. That’s some serious world building. I have no idea how you came up with this, but dying of laughter was a good way to go out. Luv, the ghost of Naomi 👻
Very well crafted piece with a satirical style but I enjoyed the letter as a regular letter too
Hey me, congrats on the top story. Too funny
not bloody surprised, buddy! Back to say congrats to you and your kin!
Haha! This was great Dana! I love the accent you were able to impart through the writing and the reveal at the end for the cause!!! Great work and congratulations on Top Story!!