Deep

It's deep enough to drown in but solid enough to walk across. Not that I'd ever have the courage to walk across it… or so I thought.

Tonight, though I stand here alone. Wind blowing so strong I fear it might blow me away. I am hyping myself up to walk across this frozen pond in the dark and I am going to hope for the best. Maybe I will make it across… maybe I won't but at least I tried. It's better than focusing on the mental and physical pain I am already in.

I am crying about it, but I cry a lot about everything now.

Maybe the fear of drowning will be just the rush I need to refocus myself.

It's so cold out here.

The wind won’t let up I didn’t put on enough clothes which is nothing new. Nothing but sweats a T-shirt and a pair of old crocs. The air is just cutting right through me.

I take a deep breath and take my first steps out onto the frozen pond. I can’t stop crying and the wind is starting to freeze tears as they fall. The ice beneath me feels as though it might not hold me even though I'm not that heavy. I'm terrified to fall through the ice but I keep going.

I must have made it at least three feet into the pond when I started to wonder if the fish are frozen underneath me. I look down like there's enough light to see knowing there won’t be. Disappointed anyways I keep walking. I didn’t realize this pond was so long.

It feels like it’s going on forever.

These crocs aren't worth a shit to keep the cold out, so I feel every bit of the frozen pond beneath my feet and the air is smacking my toes through the holes in them because I didn’t think I needed socks.

Whatever though I am going to keep walking.

And crying.

And focus on not cracking the ice instead of whats going on in my life.

What's even scarier is this pond is in the middle of nowhere. About ten miles away from my house and I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. I just had to get away from everything and everyone. I needed the silence. There's so much happening there that I can’t focus on just one thing, and I didn’t need anyone trying to follow me so I would have to talk about it.

Talking about it isnt on my to do list for a little while.

This pain is too deep to dig out words for it. I'm just not ready for that.

Everything happened too fast. I wasn’t ready for this life or what came with it. I had to grow up too fast. I couldn’t just be a kid. I couldn’t just live I had to survive. And that’s probably how I got into most situations is I got into is I’d do anything for a rush. Pray for survival. Trying to find out just how much I could survive.

Most of the reason I am out here now. Walking across this frozen pond hoping I make it to the other side. I am almost there only a few more feet to go. The snow is coming down heavier now though so it’s slowing me down a little bit, but I believe I can make it. I haven’t heard any cracks yet. Part of me wants to start running just to get it over with but I fear it might be too much pressure on the ice. And I might slip and fall because I have no grace. I don’t need to get hurt out here. There is no nearby help.

I continue walking and shivering.

The breeze is picking up.

Snow is falling harder.

I’m almost to the other side it really wasn’t that bad.

And just when I think I am in the safe zone and I can reach the other side, I decide to jump the last few inches and as soon as I land, I slide. End up bury my legs in the snow. Now I’m wet, cold and still overwhelmed with emotion. Irritated I stand up dust off the snow and just stand there staring off into the nothingness around me. The quiet is relieving to be honest, but I just wish I had the answers for everything else. I want to have all the answers for everything going on I know my family is depending on me to have them, but I just don’t have them. I don’t know where to get them from either.

Life is confusing.

It’s all too much lately.

Being out here is the only place that feels calm in my life anymore. Everywhere else is dysfunctional and I have no idea what to do with it.

I guess part of me is just hoping my life would freeze and be just as still as this pond.