Crystal Clear

I sat on the ground inches away from his lifeless body thinking and contemplating whether or not I should end my life at this very moment or spend life in prison with my tail between my legs like a scared puppy, watching my back and alienating myself to a small space and the anxiety attacks that were destined to follow. I took the knife to his chest and stabbed him right in his heart so he could feel the pain I felt when he tore mine apart. Twelve times exactly, one for each time he hurt me, abused me, and cheated on me. The anger built up inside of me allowed me to follow through and end his life not only to feel at peace, but to enjoy watching him slowly bleed out and fight for his life up until the very last gasp. It wasn't always this way I remember when we were just kids ourselves. We used to save up coins we would find on the ground until we had enough to share a cheeseburger at the nearest Mcdonald's. Sometimes we would even walk when our parents were to busy to drive us. The teachers hated having us in the same classes it was the class clown and the best friend who couldn't shut up about how funny he was. Once we hit high school right before college something between us sparked. One night we were down at the port where we used to sneak out to relax, enjoy the water and to fish. I used to love throwing the net and catching the cutest little fishes and crabs, he used to laugh because I used to get so excited for the little fishes that weren't technically all that special especially to people out there fishing for a big o'l red, or something they can take home and whip up for dinner. So we were sitting at the edge of the bridge dangling our feet over the water, fishing poles in our hand when the moon light set and starting reflecting over the water. It was so beautiful, it was a quiet night so the sound of the waves made it all just a bit more perfect. We started reminiscing and talking about when we were younger and what was going to happen when we graduate and move away to different cities. I looked him in his eyes. " You know nothing can ever really separate us right? Your my soul mate dude I love you so much promise me you wont forget about me?" I felt his hand suddenly reach over and clasp onto mine overlapping our fingers and caressing each others thumbs. " I love you" is all I heard right before finding myself with my eyes shut, lips on lips, it felt as if we were the only people in the world right now. I swear fireworks went off in that very moment, or something like it because the sparks we felt were very much real. That night we decided we could not ever end this friendship and that meant making sure we stayed glued to each other one way or another, and it worked out. We were infatuated with each one more than we had ever been, even being a state away at different colleges the bond was strong. We used to video chat, call, text, every single day. We never missed that goodnight call and kiss. It was pretty much like that through out our whole college years but it was worth it. Fast forward 5 years later living in a one bedroom apartment in Chicago, with a one year old daughter named Bella. She was our everything at this point life was perfect, and it was with the perfect man.

Every couple is going to have there ups and there downs but ours came sooner than we expected. Ed, my husband, had graduated with a degree in Law. Myself well let's just say I couldn't pay my school bills and work to support my sick mother at the same time. Her medical bills were taking most of my checks at the time, sometimes I would ask for doubles and even took over some of the girls shifts. It was definitely worth it, and I know if she was here with me today she would tell me how proud she is. She's the one that kept me going, I wanted to be an amazing mother to my daughter as she was too me. It was time for Ed to get a job but it was tougher on us than we thought having no experience in a big city with many qualified people, it was tough to land a good job. I had been a stay at home mom for our daughters first year but it looked like it was time for me to get a job. I went out one morning at about 9 am and hit every store, restaurant, laundry facility I could find and asked if they were applying. I had no luck. I was drained and was ready to head home until I hit this cute little coffee shop on Main St. I was burnt out from being out all day I decided to have a coffee break and relax for a bit. I ordered a large caramel macchiato make it strong please! I sat there reading my book and just praying something would show up for me. I watched as people walked past with their designer bags and Gucci shoes, that’ll be us one day. I went to the counter to pay and I see a sign right in front of me saying they were hiring, so I asked the cash register lady and she helped me out. She gave me an application to fill and asked for a phone number to reach me. I went home and was hoping to get a call the next day, but I didn't. She called me about 3 hours after leaving the cafe and asked me when I could start. As soon as she hung up that phone I danced around like a crazy lady, I was so excited and grateful for this opportunity even if it was just a coffee house and not some big time job. Ed and I promised each other that when the time was right and we were on our feet I would go back to school and get my degree in English. I call him to let him know about the job, and he was happy but he seemed a bit off. I know he was going through some things it would be tough on any man who thinks he can not support his family like a man should. I tried to make him feel better as much as I could, I appreciated him so much and everything he has done and sacrificed for me and little Bella. I decided to make pork chops with macaroni and potatoes to celebrate my new job, I was so damn excited of course I had to cook a celebratory dinner! It was about 8:30 pm now and he still wasn't home. My stomach was growling and the food was getting cold so I finally decided to go one and eat with out him. I tried to reach him again but I assume his phone must have died so I just waited for him to arrive whenever he did.

10:30 pm my sweet girl was already put down for bed and so was I. I wait a couple more minutes and nothing. I was to tired and had to be ready for my first day tomorrow to stay up waiting for him, but I was worried. He never stays out this late and with no contact what so ever, it just wasn't like him. Thankfully just as I was about to dial 911 I heard the kitchen door creak open so I head down stairs to see what’s going on.

The blood inside my body started to reach a boiling temperature a sudden splurge of adrenaline was rushing through my veins and my left eye was about to start twitching when I noticed him. I said nothing I walked into the kitchen and served his cold dinner with a knife and a fork. I made sure he knew that knife was sharp, sharp enough to cut through that cheating assholes flesh. I kept my cool because I knew if I called him out on it it would lead to something bigger and our daughter was asleep. I didn’t want to wake her but that eyelash dangling off his shoulder was staring at me the whole entire time he was eating his dinner. I sat there drinking a strong red wine just gawking at him while he was enjoying his dinner. “Why are you staring at me like that?” He asked with a confused face. “I can’t admire the love of my life? Your so handsome that’s all. Eat. I love you”