Coming Together - Escaping Loneliness

Chapter 6. Coming together - escaping loneliness

I'm a little unsure if it's so wise of me to talk to her so much about these things. After all, experiencing loneliness from time to time is a natural part of most people's lives. So therefore, I should have stopped there.

I'm aware of that - it's a weakness I have. When I get excited, I do not stop. I come up with more and more thoughts, and then I talk. Maybe I'm uncritical, lacking a little self-critical distance to what I say when I get too eager. There was something about the fact that I thought we had such close contact, mentally, intellectually, and maybe even emotionally. So, I was captivated by my own bliss. I talked - maybe too much.

"You see," I said, "many people seek together because they think it is so wonderful to be together, getting out of aloneness."

"Yes, maybe."

"And they think that just coming together - coming out of being alone - is the cure for everything."

I hesitated. She looked gravely at me. I don't know why - I suddenly felt at unease.

"But - you see," I said, "I think in some cases, it is not so wise, if the purpose of coming together is primarily to get, to receive - and not to give."

"Yes, - and?" she said.

"I think the very idea or basis for us seeking together and staying together precisely is that I want us to see each other and enjoy each other's company."

She smiled, but there was a discord in her face, I noticed.

"You mean - that's a part of the basis. Not the very basis, no?"

"Yeah, yes," I stuttered, "of course. That's what I mean."

"Because if not, it is often better to be alone."

"Yes, I meant - it's only part of the basis, of course," I said. "Not the entire basis of the relationship."

I felt clumsy. This was the first time I felt she had me. Verbally, she had put me up against an invisible wall.

I looked at her, but she did not seem concerned. She did not seem to put more in this than what it really was - an exchange of ideas. No sign of condemning or criticizing me for what I had said. No sign of contempt.

As time passes, I am getting more aware of this little fault of mine. Through the years together with my wife I had become excessively sensitive to a certain form of domination, I think. I needed to force myself to remember that this was not her, my wife. This was Eira.

"You know," she said, "perhaps loneliness must be fought through a struggle that you as an individual must take on within yourself. Alone. You simply have to learn to see yourself and who you are as a person, and who you are in relation to others."

I nodded.

"And when you are able to see who you are in relation to yourself - only then can you take responsibility for your life adequately."

"Yes," I said. "True. There are so many examples of people - men and women - searching together and clinging to each other, without being able to lift their eyes to see the other correctly. Right?"

"Yes," she said, "this is many times about what they have been missing in their lives."

"In any case, it is no use for us to cling to one another and in this way try to help one another to live our life. Don't you also think?"

"Maybe," she said.

"In fact," I continued, "when two people who can't swim lie in the sea and fight for life, it can happen that they cling to each other and drag each other down in the blind fight to avoid drowning. The struggle is then about survival, and in the midst of that struggle it becomes immaterial whether the cause of the current situation is that they feel irreversibly lonely or not."

"I see," she said. "I do not ever want to put myself in that situation."

"Maybe what we need in our life," I said, "is simply to see ourselves as individuals, as a person who is unique in the world. In my life, I have to create my own lifebuoy. In the basic questions, we cannot depend entirely on anyone else."

She looked at me, smiling.

"I'm a little surprised," she said. "Just didn't know that you were so fond of talking."

"Well, I just let myself go a little. Got a little eager," I said.

"Oh no," she said. "Don't understand it as a critique. I just love listening to you when we speak like this. I'm not used to that, you know. At home - I have someone who does not talk at all. Most of the time."

I felt relieved. I smiled at her. I said: "Well. So, then again, here's my conclusion: You must learn to be happy in your own solitude and comprehend that you mean something important and purposeful to yourself and to others."

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A note from the author:

The novel "The Love We Had" is made up of three parts, where the three main characters tell how they experienced what happened.

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars

Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak

Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -told by Eira