Circuit

Darkness. The last thing I ever remembered before the barn. Before the moment he threw me into this abandoned, dirty place. I'd never seen the outside, despite my various attempts to leave. There was no telling if I was in a field, a backyard, on a farm. I tried to listen, but there was never anything but the wind.

The only glimpse of the outside was a square skylight in the top of the rusty old barn he kept me in. I was taken care of, but never free. Always laying in the small cot in a corner of the room, waiting for him to bring me what I needed. The food was basic, but it kept me alive. Alive, not living. I missed living.

The sun on your skin, walking on sand, the smell of freshly baked pie. Knowing what day it is, talking to other people, having purpose. I missed it all. There was one thing I did have, him. He was tall, I always liked that in men. Tall and coarse. With flowing hair that was short and soft. He made himself my everything, my only thing. I knew it was his fault that I was here, it was him who took me and kept the locks on the doors. But you can only do so much with what you've got. I had him. It was better than no one and nothing. Every other day, he'd come in and sleep with me. Not next to me, on top of me.

Sometimes we even got to speak, though mostly he just wanted sex. I wasn't unaware of sex. I was a full grown woman when he brought me here. But I hadn't experienced it like this before. Like rape. He never wanted it to be more than that, though I tried several times to make it love. My efforts were never ending. Even in his rage, love did blossom. Not for him, but for me. In the form of a tiny seed stuck in my belly. It took weeks to be positive, because I didn't want to ask outright for a test.

In my patience, we got one. And I found you. You were growing in me and from the day I found out you were coming, I knew you would be my greatest feat. My wonderful miracle. When he found out, he gave a little bit more. I got special vitamins and extra food. He wasn't happy about you at first, but I think you grew on him when you started kicking. We could finally feel you, though I felt you in my body all along. This place was dark, but you would become my light.

Little love of my life, how I am incredibly grateful for you. You came from hate, but you grew in love. In me. I didn't know my future, but I did know you. You were strong, incredibly fierce and stubborn like your mom. Those days I tried even harder to get out for you, but there was no way. Your daddy was stubborn too, and stronger. Maybe after you were born, you could take him down yourself. I wasn't sure what was going to happen to you, but I had faith. I had hope. I had my light.

As the day approached, when I could finally meet my little light, I felt you taking me. My beauty, my strength, my love, I gave it all to you. I let you take it. It was the only thing I could give you. My life. And on that day you came, I looked up into the sky. I looked into your eyes. I knew my time here was complete. I'd done my job, you got here safely. The last thing I remember before I closed my eyes and took my last breath, was your little voice. Crying.