Cigarette Daydreams

You were only seventeen when you came to the conclusion that you didn’t want to do this after high school. You didn’t know if you were going to go to college, get an apartment, move to another state, or stay with your parents while you saved up money. You were unsure if you’d keep in touch with your friends or if they’d leave you behind to follow their plans. Since you questioned what came next after graduation, you thought leaving everything behind would be the best answer. You said your goodbyes in one word texts and turned off your phone.

When you showed up at my door, I opened it with a sigh of relief. You came in carrying the rain with you, unfazed by the water dripping from your brown hair down your face. Without looking around, you laid on the living room floor so I laid there beside you looking at the ceiling just thankful to see you. I got worried after you sent me a text out of the blue that was composed of one word; goodbye. I was glad that all you did was go lookin’ for the answers in the pourin’ rain but I could tell you were going to go through with it from your blank expression and dull eyes. The water from your soaked clothes began to sink into the carpet of my new apartment, the apartment I invited you to visit all the time but you never did, that is till now. I wasn’t bothered by it because you found your way here and that meant you found a reason to stay.

We laid there until something in your head told you to get up. I watched you sit up slowly like you were doing it against your will. After stumbling to your feet, you got to the kitchen table and sat down at the end. I could see it clear as day that you were looking right through me as I followed you to the kitchen. I thought you might be hungery so I made you the only thing I had as a broke college student; mac and cheese. You sat there not moving a muscle and hardly even blinking for 20 minutes while I “cooked”. Once it looked edible, I brought it over to you but you just tilted your head down ever so slightly and just stared at it. I pulled out the chair on the right side of the table to sit down by you but you got up and walked over to the futon that I called a “couch”. You looked around the bare room, finally realizing when you ended up, and when our eyes met I could tell you actually saw me sitting there because you sigh and look away.

“What’s going on in your head right now?” I asked you from my place at the table. but I wasn't looking for a real answer. I just wanted to get you to start thinking about the idea of talking. You looked at me with tears in your eyes and opened your mouth like you were going to speak but words seem to fail you.

I got up and sat down on the “couch” looking up at you while wearing worry and empathy on my face. I half expected you to just continue standing there so I couldn’t help but let out a soft giggle when you plopped down next to me like a sack of potatoes. And for a second I saw you peek through the curtain of sadness that hid you away. We sat there in the silent room listening to the rain hit the pavement and thunder crashing in the midnight sky from the open window. The sound of it got me thinking of all the memories we made together over the past year, mainly the ones of us in the park when it would rain.

“Can you turn on music or something?” You asked me.

“Y-yeah, I can.” I replied getting up to grab the remote from beside the television. I wasn’t sure what type of music to turn on so I looked through my “liked songs” and old playlists. I saw a playlist with an album cover of me on the performance stage in the park. I looked like a dork in the over-sized hoodie you gave me and wide leg jeans that were too short. I can still feel the cold from that rainy day and I can still hear our laughs. My eyes begin to water at the thought of never hearing us laugh like that again. I press shuffle and the music from that playlist you made me begins.

“You’re going to stay here the rest of the night right?” I ask you.

“Yeah.” you reply in a monotone voice.

“Are you ready to talk yet?”

“I can’t explain what's goin' down. Not right now.”

“That’s alright, take your time. Maybe you should just try to sleep.” I suggest as I sit on the floor with my back against the “couch”. I recall the nights we’d drive out to the county park and walk along the shore line of the lake. It’s funny how it seems like yesterday we were skipping rocks and talking until one of us would suggest leaving and the other would agree. After that, we’d just drive around until we ended up at the gas station in the next town over because we were hungry or thirsty. I remember the letters we exchanged and how they’re safe in the back of my journal. I still read them when I start to question life or the people in it.

I must have been reminiscing longer than I had thought because I looked back at you to find you laying down asleep. I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over you, turned out the lights and took one last look at you. I walked into my room and closed my door as the last few seconds of Cigarette Daydreams by Cage The Elephant played on the TV.