Chasing Dreams

In the early morning, my mind continued to play back the feelings and emotions from the dreams of my twilight sleep. I rolled over onto my side and my eyes rested on the shadowy figures of my husband of 20 years. Even in the dark, I could make out the details of his face. Black hair crowned his head, framed his lips, and sheltered his eyes. The Spanish nose and the strong French jaw. Light crept in through the slats of the blinds, casting light across the covers draped over his broad muscular shoulders.

I could not recall the image of the man in my dreams.

I lay in silence, on the brink of tears, wondering if I was really dreaming, or if my mind was bringing back memories of another lifetime. I remember gazing into his eyes and pleading with him to stay. Where was he going? I remember asking. There was a mystery in his responses.

Later we were traveling with many others, all seemed to understand the reason for his parting. I struggled, hoping and wishing for more time with him. His compassion and patience towards me permitted more time. As the time drew nearer to his departure my chest tightened with anxiety and despair.

I woke, with a start, my arms wrapped around the pillow resting on my chest. I could hear my husband breathing steadily and slowly. The rhythm of his breath was like the ebb and flow of the sea. Slowly drifting back into twilight sleep my mind grasped at the longing in my heart. He was tall with thick chestnut-colored hair. His eyes were kind and penetrating. The cadence of his voice was soothing. His fingers rested gently on my hand, offering some comfort. The loss grew stronger and stronger.

I began matching the names of men I have known throughout my life to the quickly fading image of the man in my dreams. No name seemed to be quite right. Desperation set in. I could not lose him forever. Why was he so important to me?

Tingling in my left arm woke me again. I had rolled over onto my arm during my emotional struggle with the pillow. My heart was full of emotion. Why was I so sad? Why did this feel like a memory and not a dream? Victor rolled over asking me if I wanted to sleep with him. Snuggling and comfort would have been preferable to this separation that I was experiencing.

I told him I was fine.

I laid flat on my back for many moments easing back into a half sleep.

"I must let you go," his voice seemed to come from the depths of the earth. His hands caressing my arms and shoulders. My head resting on his chest. Trying to hold back tears, my body began to shake.

"I love you. Why must we be parted?" I cried softly as I searched his eyes for the real answer.

Even though he smiled, I saw the sadness in his eyes. He was holding something back. A secret, if shared, may shatter every fond memory we had created together. But, what were those memories? I couldn't recall any specific moment. The only remnant of happy times was the feeling of pure joy and happiness.

We sat in the study of a great mansion, speaking softly to one another. There was another person with us explaining what would happen next. My memories would be altered and I would not remember my life. It was necessary to move on. I needed to live a normal life. It was not my time. My time for what? I reached for Bastian's hand as he faded away like smoke. Tears streamed down my face.

Victor rolled out of the bed and left the room, the movement waking me from my tortured sleep. Leaving the warmth of my med, my feet touched the soft carpeting of the floor. I reached for the cup on the bedside table. I took a sip. I closed my eyes and could see Bastian's face as if he were standing right in front of me. Kind emerald eyes curtained by long dark lashes and thick browns looking deeply in my eyes. I could hear his low mellow voice telling me all things would be set right. His sculpted jaw revealing its strength with each word spoken.

Leaving my room, I slowly walked down the hall through the living room, dining room, and into the kitchen. I surveyed the mess left by my daughter, Allisa. She had stayed up baking lemon squares with her half-brother, Alexander. I began clearing the center island and then wiped it down, still wondering what it was that I had dreamt. Stacking the dishes on the countertop next to the sink I gazed out into the backyard. Doves pecking at the newly rain-washed lawn. Sparky, the fourteen-year-old pitbull lab, staring back at me. I watched the horses at the back of the property slowly grazing and enjoying the softly falling rain.

Evan walked in, greeting me: "Good morning, Mom." He stood and watched me as I wiped down more of the countertops. We talked about the rain, the animals, and him getting his hair cut. He told me that he was going to go take a shower. Left alone in the kitchen again I began to recall other conversations.

"Mom, isn't this music great?" My mother looked at me like I was crazy.

"This is the music my mother listened to when she was a teenager. This is not from my era."

"I think this music is romantic," I replied.

"You were born in the wrong era," her eyes twinkled as she spoke to me.

I then remembered spending time with my family the night before. We were listening to the radio as we drove home from getting ice cream. the music playing on the radio was from when I was a teenager. The memories evoked were from a sad time in my life. The tightening in my chest increased.

"I hate this music. It brings back such bad memories."

"I love this music," Victor's voice booming through the car.

"That's because you led a charmed life as a teenager."

"What do you mean?"

"You were popular and it was a big party all the time for you."

"I did have fun," Victor smiled.

This conversation went on for a bit more and then Allisa asked, "What kind of music do you like? And what era do you think you should have been born in?"

"I think of the stories written by Jane Austen. I would have been ignorantly happy in a simpler time. I find peace and comfort in simple activities like gardening, sewing, drawing, and painting."

As the morning faded into mid-day, so did my dreams fade. I wondered if in fact my memories had been changed so that I did not remember a lifetime with a man I had once loved so passionately.

Who was he?

Who was I?