Castle Chicanery

News of the Realm:

CASTLE & GARDEN: "Release the Kraken!" has long been a battle cry certain to thrill the hearts of our military commanders in their march to glorious victory. Today, however, this phrase took on a new meaning. Spike, Lord Tolke's allegedly castle trained Kraken, had an 'accident' in the council chambers. Said occurrence resulted in a distinctly odoriferous problem with the royal elevator. In a side note, it has been declared that the royal elevator shall be henceforth known as the privyvator. It is surmised by royal academy experts on animal husbandry that one of last month's rounds of alleged virgin sacrifices fed to Spike may have been less than honest in reference to the state of her maidenhead. As a result of this incident the privyvator is now to be part of the royal gardens where it shall be utilized for the growth of mushrooms. NOTE: If interested in obtaining good shrooms grown only in the finest kraken dung, contact citizen Dakkarious.

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SPORTS: Tragedy struck at today's much anticipated buggy races. As the equestrian racers feverishly whipped their horses around the 2nd curve there was a nearly tragic five buggy pile-up. The royal jester, Lord Androlian, assisted the Lady Aryia from neath her Maiden Special. The lady was, luckily, only slightly the worse for wear. Upon investigation, the palace gendarmes suspect sabotage. There were holes found in the axle of Vice Regent Tolke's buggy which appear suspiciously uniform in size and shape. In a related story, the royal mechanic has reported the theft of a hand drill from the royal garage. Lord Dakkarious, having reportedly been seen lurking near Lord Tolke's buggy while in possession of a similar implement, is being questioned. As of yet, no charges have been made. Luckily for all, no serious injuries were sustained in the crash except for the unfortunate demise of a racing mare. Per the royal chef, Spike, the kraken, will eat well this week. The royal gardener states this may likely lead to a bumper crop of shrooms.

SCIENCE/TECHNOLOGY: Our esteemed royal gardener, Lord Dakkarious - a noted herbalist of some (ill) repute - reports success in his attempts to synthesize a new and more effective vegetable fertilizer. After several minor chemical explosions Lord Dakkarious has determined that kraken dung mixed with mulberry wine and well aged tunnel moss makes a powerful fertilizer. Unfortunately the royal vegetables now have a rather distinct smell. On a side note for the military section the commander of the royal militia has requested Lord Dakkarious provide him with his formula for fertilizer bombs. Note: Lord Androlian, in conjunction with the Red Baron, mounted his sopwith dragon today to test the resulting dung bombs. Please ignore the odoriferous mushroom shaped cloud to the East of the capital.

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For edition II see below link:

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chicanery-ii