Call of the Void

Jump …

Go on, do it …

Go on, go on, go on …

Where do these thoughts come from? Standing at the top of a tall ledge, looking over the jagged cliff face down to the crashing waves below. Leaning over the safety rails on a skyscraper as the high winds whip and flail your hair, the people and cars below seem so tiny, so insignificant.

Is it because we are?

The call of the void comes on us all from time to time. Driving on a highway, cars and trucks zipping past … and there it is. That single intrusive thought pops into your mind …

Go on, veer into the oncoming car … go on.

Then just as fast as it comes … it goes. There are nights where I lay awake and wonder ‘is there something wrong with me?’ Surely these thoughts can’t be normal. I worry that one of these times, I will be unable to resist. I will answer the call, the void’s appeal will be too great.

The void awaits us all … it is patient beyond measure.

It will wait for you to answer the call, to give in to the void and things will be quiet … finally quiet.

But what is the void? Why does it call us? Why do these strange feelings and thoughts pop into our minds at these times? Do we all secretly wish to enter the void? Perhaps it is a defence mechanism … something that tells you, ‘you are too high up’, ‘you need to stop driving’, ‘get out of the water’.

The water …

GET OUT OF THE WATER!

Without realising, I had been answering the void’s call … swimming in a pool alone as the sun began to set - the most dangerous time to swim alone, and a time when the void’s call is at its strongest.

I had let myself sink to the bottom of the pool, my eyes remained open. Under the water it had grown so dark I thought they were shut. The burning in the lungs crept into the rest of my chest when something snapped me out of the void state.

It was my digital watch. Buzzing an alert set and forgotten earlier. I quickly moved across the pool to the shallow end steps and climbed out. Not stopping for my towel, I ran to the bathroom, jumping into the shower as I turned the knobs.

Hot, refreshing water rained down on me, battling the cold water that soaked my hair and bathing suit. Undressing in the shower is something I have never enjoyed, not since one time where I got a top stuck over my face and was unable to breath as water pressed the fabric into my nose and mouth. Thankfully my one piece has a zip down the front and does not go anywhere near the face when removing. I dropped it to the shower floor with a wet thump. Hot water continues to fall, warming every muscle and fibre of my being. I take the opportunity to wash my hair and the sweet smell of vanilla fills the shower as the shampoo foams and lathers …

The void has no power here.

I rinse my hair and stand smiling under the shower for a few minutes more. But soon enough I must leave the tender embrace of the hot water. Braving the world outside the comforting space.

The danger has not passed I fear … I am still alone. Still vulnerable to the call as the sun sets and the void takes command of the impending night.

After drying off and changing, I think about making some dinner. I do a mental check of what is in the fridge and cupboard … chicken thighs, random spices, a pack of open tortillas ... Mmm? Oh! There’s also a stack of fresh coriander in the garden and some leafy lettuce. Sounds like a taco night to me! While gathering everything, I reach and grab the large chef knife from its magnetic holder on the side of the fridge …

I wonder how easily this knife could cut through an arm?

Oh no … the void has called again, no matter how hard I try I just keep thinking about using the knife in ways that while not fatal … are certainly not what the manufacturer had in mind.

Summoning strength, I put everything away. I’ll order in. Placing an order on my phone. Butter Chicken and Rice for one, onion bhaji, and one plain naan. I sit down and turn on the television.

I’m not moving till the food is delivered …

DING - DONG

The chime of the doorbell startled me out of my doze. I waited a few seconds. My phone buzzed with the notification telling me my food had been delivered. I love the ‘leave at the door’ option. The last thing I felt like doing right now was the ten to fifteen second pleasantries of answering the door to an actual human. I waited a few moments more before lifting myself from the couch and making my way to the door and opening it.

‘Ah!’

I gave a soft yelp of surprise when I saw a man standing on my porch, the food sitting on the doorstep in a bag between us.

‘Uh … thanks,’ I say awkwardly, bending down to collect my food.

‘Meal for one, eh?’ he says. ‘You home alone?’

‘No,’ I say quietly, hoping the pause and fear in my voice can’t be heard.

I move to shut the door. It stops short. A large thick brown boot blocks the door from closing. I look up to the delivery man’s face and drop my food when I see …

His eyes speak volumes, their message clear and strong. Something sinister and wicked laying behind them, how I wish I hadn’t put the knife away, it’s too late now.

He has answered the call of the void …