but i'm singing like a bird about it now [ch: two]

The room is empty except for the two of them, but Cas is still vibrating like a rattling water heater in one of the motels Dean and Sam settled into after a bad hunt. Cas had always hated those places. He liked Bobby's so much better. Dean was somehow both easier and harder to understand back then. Cas doesn't know if that makes him angrier or more anxious because right now he feels frozen in space. Dean still has him in a vice grip and has his beautiful face impossibly close to his. It feels like he's trying to crush his thoughts into Cas' lips.

Well, what am I supposed to do with this? My life was all I had left. Cas thought to himself. And then it rapidly seemed like Dean wouldn't even let him give that. But the Empty was still a threat. Why didn't Dean see that? She had to be off the board or they would all lose to Chuck. This was necessary. Or at least that's what should matter but now Cas isn't so sure. The kiss...it feels like it's screaming at him. It may not be the neatest thing or even the most gentle but it's saying something. Cas never even thought he could have this with Dean, that was the whole point but now...now things are rearranging faster than he can bare. The stakes all changed so fast and Cas didn't even have the time to register how quickly his happiness drowned and became muddled.

There was too much to weigh: if Billie was still behind him maybe he could have at least given Dean the time to escape by facing her head on. But how could he get Dean off without hurting him? Maybe he could have healed him later if they survived. But now Dean's pressed close on him in a way Cas thought was forbidden with the Empty still capable of coming back and killing them both for waking it up. Oh, what the fuck is this? I was supposed to be dead and take them both out of the picture, this was supposed to be easier because I wasn't supposed to live. Now he had to stay and defend against something he could have just taken out of the equation.

So, yes, he is pissed. But not even just that, he's panicking. What does this mean? Why didn't the kiss make him happy? Because it disarmed him. He felt like he hadn't been the guard Dean needed. Cas was the last angel standing in a garrison. He was capable despite his waning grace. And yet a kiss felt immobilizing because breaking from it would require an acknowledgement that it happened and Cas was more than willing to have simply let the confession be the end of it. He didn't need the kiss and then it became a threat to Dean's safety. And then it was the reason Cas lived. That's too much emotional vacillating for one day. And Dean is still kissing him. And his sacrifice was thwarted and this isn't exactly all that comfortable because it's urgent and desperate and pleading and functional.

Is every kiss going to feel like this? Will there be another? How long could I have had this? Was the delay because I wasn't honest before? Or is this just out of pity? Will we have to talk about all this? Will we ever speak about this? I was supposed to be dead. Cas is absolutely trembling. The sensation is something Cas remembers; when Ishim was the garrison's commanding officer, Cas constantly felt this anxious and that alone was a horrible feeling. Dean is nothing like that. But this is what it feels like to have an anxiety attack as an angel, you vibrate to severity until your atoms get it together and re-calibrate you. Not a factory reset per se but more like a dry cycle. Unpleasant because of the whipping thoughts that sift through you. 

All I wanted was Dean, I almost didn't have what he seems to be willing to give me. My Desire. My Dean. He risked his life and I just stood there. How can I trust myself to protect him this way, if being this close is this jarring? Was it the presence of the Empty? Is this Its punishment for not being happy enough and wasting Its time? Could we try again?

There was also the misery which is...unbelievable, the one thing that would have kept them apart is the thing that brought and kept them together. But….how cruel. A first kiss, a plummet; that is salvation. Dean couldn’t live without him so he risked his life. It’s always what Dean wants and what Dean can live with. Never thinking Cas would have had to live with this regret for eons. Cas supposes if they both survived he could have simply visited Dean in Heaven, but what if they Empty had decided to end Dean? What then? And this kiss...Cas feels…

Dean breaks the kiss and immediately looks behind him. Something in Cas' chest caves a little. But even from the limited view of Dean's face, Cas can tell Dean also looks scared. Maybe Dean himself doesn't even have an answer to why he kissed him which is perhaps even more mortifying. When Dean turns around he looks at him intently, his eyes searching.

"Dean—"

And Dean's face is gone, clinging to him as his legs fail him, as Cas goes to support him he realizes he doesn't really have the strength to since he's still shaking. They crumple to the floor in silence.

A full minute of Dean burying his face in the crook of Cas' neck makes it clear he doesn't know what to make of the start of a conversation either. Cas can feel Dean's tears though. Is this a regret? he wonders, was this humiliating?

So he speaks,

"I...don't mind continuing to be devoted to you from a distance if this new...uhm... revelation leaves you conflicted. I hadn't expected to disclo—" Dean shoves himself off of Cas and looks at him, stricken.

"What the hell are you talking about? You were never going to tell me?" Cas can't tell which answer would make Dean feel more uncomfortable.

"Dean—"

"Cas, I did what I had to do to save you. I couldn't let you die again. Ever. And definitely not after what you said and I'm not sorry about it and you can't make me fee--think anything different." Dean's eyes cast themselves up the ceiling as he exhales sharply. He's...prideful about not being seen as rejecting Cas. That's...at least....endearing. He continues on:

"I'm not sure what you think I would let you say to me but...what you said...that doesn't...it doesn't...." He falters. Cas reaches in to save him.

"Dean, it's okay. I...have seen your soul—"

"Cas, you haven't touched the damn thing since you ripped me out of hell don't tell me how I feel! If y—" Dean seems to have surprised himself with the outburst.

"Dean, that's not entirely true...," Cas says with as much a whisper. "I check in now and then when...I heal you. So I know you don't...feel the way I feel. I know what I knew in the barn, yes, but I also know you now. And I had to save you, Dean. You and unworthiness are incompatible—if any one can stop Chuck, it's you. You and Sam, and Jack. I'm not...I don't—Dean..."

Dean is crawling into his arms again, desperate and clinging. And suddenly Cas is sitting and still and...receiving something, something that stops the trembling. Something that is declarative.

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Dean uses Cas to anchor him, anchor him in the love he wants to share and the love Cas gives him. He stills himself in Cas’ arms, takes a steadying breath and confesses:

“I’ll tell you what you don’t know, Cas. My soul knows I'm yours; hell, you left your mark on me before I ever even knew you. But, you know, when I think about it the signs were there. At least once we got earth-side, my ribs kinda held your own little love letter long before I could read it or write one of my own. But I love you, Cas, before I ever even knew, of course, I’ve loved you. I belong to you...” Cas starts to pull slowly out of his grasp, tentatively putting his hand on Dean’s chest to create distance but touching where his heart is. 

“I don’t want to own you, Dean, I just want to be with you through it all.” Cas looks frustrated and uncomfortable. “You are the best man I’ve ever encountered and you talking to me like you're my property and not my charge or that you're some...thing to be owned is...disconcerting.” Cas’ eyebrows furrow in discomfort while he tilts his head and Dean can feel him shrinking away to probably think too much about Dean’s bad choice of words. 

This is why I never do this. Dean thinks. 

“Then don’t own me, but then don’t treat me like a god either and don’t devote yourself to me. Be with me, as equals. Because this dying for each other crap is gonna kill me. Just know that if I could’ve cracked my ribs open and hidden you in there so The Empty couldn't take you, I would have. Kept you in there like it was a shitty motel.” Dean huffs out a desperate chuckle to try to elevate the mood. But he’s serious. Losing Cas is something he can’t handle again and the thought of someone he loves treating him like he’s worth destroying themselves over is really doing his head in. No more people shattered at his altar; he’s burning it down. 

Cas’ face fluctuates between amazement and horror. “That’s...a colorful...way to express wanting to save me. I...wouldn’t have let you do that. But, maybe we can assess what equal means in our...in the...future.”

Dean winces, did he come off too strong? Was that too much? He kind of wants to sew his mouth shut. He settles for a compromise. 

“Well, after trapping you in here with Death at our literal door...breaking open would have been the least I could do.” Cas’ eyebrows stitch together again. Dean wants to melt into The Empty himself at this point because he doesn’t seem to be making Cas feel any better. 

“Okay, look Cas, I’m not all that great at this romance stuff, I just don’t know how to use my words to dote on you or whatever I just...I’m really trying here. All I’m saying is that…I want to keep you safe too, always, for the rest of my life. I...I like having your back, Cas.” It starts to dawn on Dean that Cas might have actually been saved if Cas was no longer happy. “But maybe if actually...doing the lovey stuff isn’t your deal, that’s fine to—”

“No.” Cas says plainly, “I...yes, I’m not accustomed to physical...displays but I’m not opposed to them. There are things I’m curious about...physical exchanges with you. It’s not normally something I desire but you always have been different to me. And so this ‘lovey stuff’ you are talking about I am...I have...interest in. To be clear.” 

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Dean lips curls into an overcompensating smirk, he really would like that proper kiss and anything else Cas is comfortable. Though, if all Cas wants is kisses that’s fine too. After 12 years of chickening out he’d treasure each kiss like it was a wedding. Which is a weird thought that he shakes out of his head. Still, it has the maximum intended effect. There’s still Chuck...just...out there. 

“I absolutely want whatever is on the table, Cas—with you. Uhm, but...or I guess…. and. Chuck and the Empty are still on the board, I don’t wanna talk about this if that wall is gonna open back up anytime soon and I can’t tell if that kiss was the reason it left or—”

“Partly,” Cas says casually, “But not for the reasons you think, I would imagine.” He looks around him the way he does when he doesn’t want to say too much more. “But you’re right. Chuck is still a problem—we should join Sam and Jack to figure out what else can be done.” 

Dean sighs in relief—that had been so much heart-work for the day. He almost forgot the short bearded dick is still out there disappearing people. And that needed fixing. “Alright, let’s pin this. Let’s go find Sammy and our kid. The kid. Jack.” Dean is short-circuiting at his own words and looks up to see how much damage that did. But Cas has that smile, that only-for-him smile, so he says it again. “Our kid, and Sam. Let’s go.” Thankfully, Cas just turns and lets him walk past towards the hallway. Dean beams now that his back is to Cas. Dean wonders now about Jack...if he felt the same type of helpless Dean felt today; not knowing how to save the ones you want to hold close. Dean put quite a lot of pressure on the kid this year. Dean's smile drops to a sudden frown. He thinks now about the apologies he owes Jack. He almost doesn’t hear Cas call his name.

 “And Dean?”

Dean stops in his tracks, opting to turn his head as he rounds the corner into the hallway instead of walking back into the space or facing Cas full-on. Unprepared for any more feelings. 

“I’m the one who put your rib cage back together; it's not a shitty motel. It's a castle, a fortress; if circumstances were different then maybe I would have felt safe there. No matter how things ended after.”

Dean takes that for what it is, and does beam at him. His chest swells a little but no one but his Only can see. 

“Good,” he says, “now let’s go find our family.”

[manip photo found by: @ghosttiel on tumblr]