Brasky 'n' Leroy

It all started when our (former porn) star, Bill Brasky, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abundantly worried, Bill Brasky groped a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Leroy . Bill Brasky had known Leroy for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Leroy was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... clueless. Bill Brasky called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Leroy picked up to a very glad Bill Brasky. Leroy calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters sigh before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only eight days prior. It was a enchanting little iPad... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy sighed. Relunctantly, Leroy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Bill Brasky took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least ten minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy would be abnormally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy was interrupted by four dimwitted marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he skillfully reached for his banana and thoughtfully attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway and went exotically jaunting toward Leroy 's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his canoe. Leroy was worried but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Leroy indiscriminately purred. With a hasty push, Bill Brasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering genocidal maniac in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat hilariously close to where Leroy had hidden the iPad. Leroy grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Brasky was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Leroy noticed a oafish look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Leroy felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Bill Brasky asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy could react, Bill Brasky fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Bill Brasky stared at Leroy for what what must've been eight seconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Leroy groped charismatically in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy always had been a little annoying, so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Leroy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Leroy 's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Bill Brasky's iPad. Feeling frustrated, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and sped away with the fortitude of one million man-eating capybaras running from a little pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Bill Brasky danced with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet gun'). Bill Brasky was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Leroy and a few ebola-toting disease-carrying chipmunks lived blissfully happy, forever after.