Born in 1964

That day started like any other day. Wake up, brush my teeth, get dressed, order the damnation of thousands, eat breakfast, etc. Geoffrey reminded me that we had public decapitations at noon the following day per the schedule. There was also apparently a rebellion in the south that would need quashing eventually.

Being the supreme ruler could get boring sure, but in my head the perks far outweighed the downsides. Sure, the rain forests had died, and the earth was not in the best shape, but no one really visited the Amazon anyway. The damage that had been done in the early two-thousands was nearly irreversible anyway, I only tipped the scales.

Back to that day though, Geoffrey told me I had a package. Laughable. I never get packages. He said it was from an anonymous drone. Impossible. I owned all the drones. I owned private and public. Hell, I owned 99% of all packages.

Yet there it was.

A package, unmarked on my doorstep.

Thousands of feet above the rest of the world, and unreachable by human hands, a drone had dropped this box off at my doorstep.

Now. I'm no stranger to death threats or bombs, or the occasional coup attempt. Such things come with the territory of being a supreme ruler. But this? A package? This kind of feat should've been impossible. I let it lay there on the doorstep, and told Geoffrey under no circumstances to touch it.

I strolled through the manor, passing all of the wonderful portraits of me on the way, giving the most recent one a wink. He winked back, and I swooned a little. I made note of a few things that needed polishing on my way to the security office. I barged in, making Andy spill his coffee all over himself. Under normal circumstances I might've laughed.

"Andy, go to this morning's security recordings," I ordered.

"Of course, Mr. Be-"

"No talking, just clicking, I don't have time for your groveling today." I did have time for it, and would appreciate it later, but right then I needed answers. I made a mental note to get some good groveling out of him later.

"From here?" He clicked out of a couple of things that I found questionable but decided against bringing up at the moment. His mouse was hovered over a timestamped video of a drone.

It was hard to make out the exact make and model of the little thing, but it definitely wasn't one of mine.

"Zoom in." I told him.

"It is zoomed-" I leaned in closer so he could smell the breakfast from my breath.

"Then enhance it." He clicked a couple of things that did little to make the picture better, but he was sweating, and I hate sweat so I just tried to squint to see it better.

I squinted so hard that I felt my heart pressure rising, and my FitBit told me the same. I would have to reprimand Andy later for not being able to do his job. For now though, I had more important things to do, like figure out what was inside the box.

I called my personal forensics department, and bomb squad who both more or less gave me the same answer. There was nothing inherently dangerous about the box, but they didn't know what was inside of it. Useless buffoons. I fired all of them on the spot, and sent them away. I called up Alice from my days right before supreme leadership. If anyone could tell me what was in the box she could.

"It's from Pierre." She said, when she got there. It had taken her thirty minutes to fly over from Germany or wherever she was calling home. Entirely too long. I fired my flight manager.

"How do you know?" I asked. She still looked great. Pale skin, dead eyes, and a glimmer that belonged to those who spent all of their time indoors. My kind of woman.

"He sent me one too." She said. Her arms were crossed in that way that told me she was mad about something else entirely. Typical.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I asked. I'll admit that I did wish I had a sitting place for her, but it looks all wrong in a throne room if anyone was sitting beside myself.

"Are you serious?" She asked. I could see the cold fury in her eyes, only dampened by her awful pinstripe suit. It was November, this was not the season for pinstripe, but I could hardly blame her, Prague had burned down last summer so fashion everywhere was taking a hit.

"No. I'm Jeff!" I laughed, because it's a timeless joke, and she didn't even chuckle. I'll be honest, I have no idea what she could even be mad about. But you know women, they can get upset over the smallest things.

"You had my family executed." Ah. That.

"Well, you know they were trying to steal my business, and we can't have that." It's hard to get used to referring to yourself in the third person plural, but as supreme leader these are the sacrifices that need to be made. I waved my hand in dismissal of her anger, she should get over it, seeing as how I left her alive and all, you'd think she'd be grateful. Typical.

"You're a tyrant," She said, as if it were an insult.

"Thanks, now, Alice, what did Pierre send you?"

"The one thing that we can't stand," she seemed legitimately afraid.

"Poor people?" I asked.

"Oh, god no, nothing that bad," She scoffed.

"Then it will be fine."

"No, it's still-"

I waved a hand and Geoffrey escorted her out of my presence.

I proceeded directly to the box in question.

I looked at it. So innocent, so precocious. I had to know what was inside. I picked up the box, and opened it.

Alice was right though, I should have been more careful. Once seen it could not be unseen. It took everything in me not to hurl on the spot. I fell to my knees, a cold sweat enveloping me. My FitBit was going nuts, and at my weakest moment the drone returned.

"Congratulations, you've received a coupon for 10% off all online purchases for the next one week, Mr. Bez-" I grabbed the drone and with all of my might hurled it into the ground. How dare Pierre send me this.

A coupon?

A coupon to me?!

I vowed then and there. I would rip him apart online sale by online sale, until he begged for mercy.

The last bastion of online competition that had long been the thorn in my side had just earned my fury. "Geoffrey, clear my calendar, we're going to war."

"Very good sir, with whom?" He asked.

I was too mad to even say the name. Like a crisp and cold fury I wouldn't even let it touch my tongue. Geoffrey walked over to the package and promptly threw up in the box. I understood of course, but he would have to clean that up immediately.

I'd show that online auction house just who the highest bidder truly is.

"Geoffrey, get me Musk." I said, a devilishly handsome smile stretched across my face. They'll rue the day they decided to mess with us, "And get me the Lubriderm, my scales are beginning to itch."