Bliss Far From Home

I was much too young to be riding a horse alone, with no sense of direction or care about where I might end up. I had nothing to worry about anyways. My adventure was still under the protection of innocence, there hadn't been a cloud of wrongness in my heart about where I was going.. Everything was sensational; my face against the brown hair of my trusted companion and my uncalloused hands held tight inside his mane. I closed my eyes allowing the suns honey to spread across my face as we left the protection of the forest path to enjoy an open hay field.

I could sense the delight under my belly when the horse trotted deeper into an endless meal. He turned back to look at me with a thirsty mouth full of pale yellow straws.

"Is it any good?" He let me pull a strand of hay from his mouth before going back to his feast.

I sat back on my bum and smelled the earth from the dry plant. I had seen my Poppa chew on dry plants like this before and so I popped an end between my teeth. It was too heavy for me to keep up with my teeth alone and my arms got sore holding it so I let it hang from my mouth, pretending to enjoy it until my horse was full and curious.

Across the field we fell again into the shadow and cool atmosphere of the forest. Beams of sun poked holes through the trees and I followed their path up as far as I could see. It was then I decided that the tallest thing on earth was light. I hesitated to lift my arms up and stretch towards the sun worried that if I were to fall, there was no adult around to lift me back up on the horse. I raised one hand slowly over my head and practiced counting down from five before feeling confident enough in ride with no hands. Three, four, five! I shot my hands up in the air and quickly grabbed ahold of the tawny mane seconds after.

Just as my fingers wove around his hair and braced, he stopped. I realized I hadn't been paying attention to where he was taking me because suddenly we were at the beach of a small river that ran through the forest. He gently led his head down towards the water for a drink but despite the calm efforts of the horse I flipped over his head and landed among the fishes briefly before they tossed themselves away.

Of course I was scared but I didn't want to the horse to know it. I was small and young and therefore resilient. I kicked my feet until I was top side and heaved my hands about to keep my round head above the water. Silent and steady I found the horse among my violent tread. He stood in the way of the gentle current and tipped his velvet face towards me. My gratitude overtook my fear and I held my soft, wet fingers around his head before finding the strength of his mane and climbing back up the side of him.

My clothes were still damp when we came into the company of a forgotten farm. The house had long since been abandoned, its' roof almost just a memory. The greenery had overtaken the landscape; Gaia was exceptionally gifted in making things more beautiful through the crumbling towers of the past and to this point and proof, we were drawn to the aw of a grand maple that grew out of the side of the barn. The roof may have lasted a bit longer had the arms of this tree not wanted to grow in its direction. Through the windows, branches thrived but there was no sign of broken glass.

The horse took me past the debris of rotten gate and many violet flowers. I took delight in knowing that these were not planted but tossed in the wind and scattered into the wildness of the world. I knew that there was once a claim to this land, but I couldn't imagine that long ago. It so perfectly belonged to this moment, vacant and free, and so did we. I stretched my arm towards his jaw and brushed my finger tips across his hair. He understood and took me towards the barn tree.

I fell in love with the raw and uncared for texture of the wooden barn and the closer we approached the more detail I enjoyed. The paint was dust along the crumbling memories of a farm. From the height from the horses back I was able to reach out and climb a branch that extended into the barn. Once I left his back he whimpered and blew out a heavy breath for concern of my safety.

"I just want to take a look," I squeezed a smile between my cheeks.

Hand over hand I crawled and the skin of the maple scaled across my palms, which were still clammy from holding my companions mane. It felt as though this was the way that nature was absorbing me, by allowing me to absorb it. Oneness spread through to my toes and lingered in my heart for 43 years. If one was so obliged to taste the barn it would taste cool and rich, I stuck my tongue out pretending to lick it and taunted my mother. Her distant presence left her voice hollow and much less threatening, yet this didn't make me happy the way a child might relish in the absence of rules.

The branch that was my path took me all the way into the barns heart and that is when I took the largest inhale since diving week in swim class. Inside the antique the smell was musty yet not moldy or foul to breath in. The air from many memories ago filled me with its secrets and I imagined my own. Who played in this barn? Were their parents nice? What did they name their cows?

My eyes led me off my balance when I saw a collection of small jars atop a higher beam. My nails dug into the bark and my little blue shoe silently hit the hay. Fear kicked open the door in my chest but having just previewed my fate, determination flexed into my fingers and my newly bare toes, lifting me back up by my strength. In my efforts to upright myself, fabrics of bark fell off and reminded me that I was still on.

"Yes!" I cheered on myself. Worry passed through me but did not stay for I was too busy back on my feet to climb to the jars. Thrill was now my engine and here I was free to fly.

Instinct told me I was unbalanced and in response I kicked off my other shoe. It didn't surprise me that I was able to get most of the way quickly and feeling quite secure. When I was close enough to see the detail of the jars my interest became entangled with a milky coloured glass bottle that closed with a metal blue lid, the same colour as my shoes. I knew whole heartedly that it had been left behind for me and all the magic in the wind birthed the curious scent that lead the horse here.

In order to reach my little gift I knew I needed to be closer and quick. The branch danced under my hands like a waltz and slowed into a sway when I held my breath. I practiced holding air in a few times and pretended I was about to be tossed into the water by my diving teacher. When I felt I was at an A plus level, I reached out and curled the miniature bottle into my fist. A crack split into the barn like it would in an open field; it seemed to stretch outside the nimble threads keeping the walls of this barn up.

Fear shuddered against me again and I let it stay a little longer. I hugged the trees arm for comfort and I felt the tickle of the leaves on my bare calves. My dear friend outside let out a small cry for me and I knew that my only option was to make my way back to him. Ridges from the bark shaved the dry skin off my arms and burned the sides of my knees crawling back down the branch.

Back in the strong center of the maple I found my wits again. I took a moment for gratitude inspecting my gift, inspecting the life left on the bottle lid. I gently rubbed the pink paint that spelled Baby Lotion with my broken, dirty nails. I wanted to show the horse my new skills and confidence so I walked one foot in front of the other back through the window. The light seemed to sparkle out of the eyes of that patient horse once our eyes met. I beamed into my proudest smile and held out my treasure.

"Someone saved this just for me!" I didn't trust my pocket not to crush it on my way down the tree, so I kept it cradled in my now worn palms.

"Come here boy," I waved his help over and he came. This time I watched fear walk by me, observing my growing trust. I held the bottle close to my heart and jumped.