Be Cool, Zombie Professor!

There was a violent twitch, and the frozen look upon his face, as if struck by terror itself, remained locked in and unchanged. There was no warning, only one sting and then life as the human knew it was over, forever. Death was not only imminent but slow. It was as if he was already dead, but he couldn’t actually die yet.

His identity lost, and in this time locked Hell, an unforgiving, creeping dread took physical form. Both of his feet, frozen. Organs, dead. Globs of neatly stacked pieces of meat. And his expression, stuck.

In an odd, dissociative moment, his body and his feet started to move, but he didn’t know how or why it was happening. It was like he was watching a shell of his former self, way up high, painfully moving without logic or will.

But he could still see. And to see something without understanding the why or the how, that is the true nature of fear.

If you can understand something scary, even empathize with it, it seems less likely to induce fear. But to never truly see someone or something horrifying, the dread is palpable. Like a monster in a movie. If the audience keeps seeing it, there’s less excitement and terror. Keep it out of sight, and your imagination will terrify you more than any special effects and camera manipulation can do.

To see yourself but to have no control, for David, was the stuff of the worst nightmare imaginable. Not speaking, not able to move, but somehow, you can still see the intricate process of your muscles and bones and ligaments all working the same way as if you were doing it.

He saw it. The mutated jewel wasps. The sprawling entrapment of death.

He always thought that zombies were literally brain dead and were incapable of sentient thought, and all they could do was destroy others in an attempt to recreate some form of human interaction. But that’s not right, is it, because zombies aren’t real. They can’t feel and can’t live because they are fiction.

If they weren’t were real, then what has he become? A monster? A shell? A vessel for some creature’s nourishment?

It was agonizing, with each step, with every single twitch of his uncontrollable nerves, he felt that Hell was here, in this moment. A moment he had to live in forever.

He still had the black notebook in his coat pocket. He remembered that his brother had given it to him, but he was starting to forget why.

But he was being moved hastily all of a sudden by someone or something, and once he felt the cold ceramic tiles on his bare feet and saw the sterile white walls, he suddenly heard a clutter of voices.

He had been taken by some people who looked like scientists, or doctors.

By this time, he had forgotten his name.

“How much for the specimen?” A tall lady asked in a cold voice. She put on white plastic gloves on her hands.

“It took me a great deal of trouble to acquire this one. I almost got attacked myself. Almost got bitten.” A slightly shorter man said, but the “specimen,” couldn’t see his face.

The lady looked at him sternly. “Did you get bitten?”

“No. Not at all.”

“I may need a blood sample. Just in case.” She said.

“No deal. I’m off limits. You can have the... infected specimen.”

He couldn’t speak, but he twitched a bit. He could still feel offended by the words he had just heard.

She sighed. “I don’t have all day. We can offer... ten thousand.”

“No way! I’ve been hearing of how some head hunters get twenty!” He said angrily.

“Argh. Okay. Listen, you got it. But after this, if you find anymore, you’ll have to accept less.”

“I’m not running a charity, lady!” He scoffed.

David saw her write out a check.

“Twenty thousand dollars, and you fill out your name. Bye.” She said, and then waved him off.

The man nodded, took the check and folded it in half, leaving the back door.

The feeling of being seen as less than cattle drove through David’s mind as he was just sold as someone else’s property; his autonomy and his free will both gone before his eyes—-all for a check of twenty thousand dollars. Both physically, psychologically and literally. He didn’t know if zombies had legal rights.

“It’s time to see if you can feel anything...” The lady in white said in a strange, cold whisper, and as she moved closer toward him, darkness fell over David, and he closed his eyes. He tried very hard to remember what he needed to do. He tried very hard to remember his name, or his brother’s name, but it was impossible.

David was a prominent figure in education, a history professor at UCLA, and his brother Larry was a virologist. David loved his job very much. He cared about his students, and took his career very seriously. His brother also enjoyed his job, taking it seriously as well.

They were extremely close.

As young boys, they did everything together, and traveled together even as they were older.

They were identical twins, and had been popular throughout school all the way until high school.

Larry still remained popular, whereas David became reclusive and a bit of a nerd. He liked comics, superheroes and reading over parties and social gatherings.

And it was also for another reason.

David could not retain a girlfriend. Larry had too many girlfriends.

And before it became a term that had a proper understanding and definition, David could not understand why he was not sexually attracted to women.

But, he also realized, he wasn’t attracted to men, either.

He found out the word through one of his students after class one day.

“That chick is totally an ace. I mean, dude. You won’t be able to get any!” One of his students Terrence said to another classmate.

The other guy laughed. “That makes sense. She seems to be that way. Not that it matters.”

They both shrugged. The other one left soon after. David had a burning curiosity about what that word meant, but didn’t want to look strange to his student. He tried to act casually and got some books, papers and walked over to where they were talking. He tried to act cool and easy going, but inside, he was feeling incredibly nervous.

“Uh, excuse me, Terrence?” David said to his student.

“Yeah, Professor Fairbanks?” Terrence turned around, looking like a deer caught in headlights. “Look, I’m sorry about my thesis being late. I was really feeling like crap and-"

David put his hand up in the air and shook his head gently, trying to smile. “No. No, that’s not it. That’s alright. It won’t really count against you. Look, I’m sorry. I... I actually wanted to ask what you meant by that word, ace. I have never heard of that before.”

Terrence coughed nervously, and sighed in relief. “Oh! Okay. It means asexual.”

David looked like he found the Holy Grail. “Really! Okay. Does your friend know an ace person? What does it mean? I’m so sorry to put you on the spot.”

Terrence nodded. “No problem, Professor. It’s like... you don’t feel sexual attraction. I think.”

David felt his breath leave his body. The pulse in his neck felt painfully fast, and he laughed nervously. “That’s pretty cool. Okay, thank you, Terrence. Have a good day.”

“You too, Professor.” He waved and walked off quickly, feeling a bit embarrassed to have that kind of conversation with his teacher.

David, however, was grateful for what Terrence had told him but was reeling over the sudden revelation he had about himself.

He was asexual.

It felt so good to put a name to it, and to be validated in a sense.

It was recognized. He felt seen. It was a wonderful feeling. He also realized how he never had fallen in love.

Well, that wasn’t really true.

He did. With another teacher. He just kept it hidden.

He decided he would talk to Larry about it later that night.

“Lar, I know this is gonna sound superbly crazy... and you know that... well, you know me pretty well. I just... today I overheard something from my students that made me rethink some things about myself.”

Larry laughed congenially. “Well, David, I’m sorry but what you just said... the whole thing about you using the words—and I quote—-superbly crazy— to describe anything regarding yourself is already super weird!”

“Yeah. Laugh it up.”

“Okay. What’s up, kiddo?” Larry said with a sigh. “Sorry.”

“I am... I found out... crap.” David sighed.

“And you are a professor? Jeez. I feel bad for those parents that have to cough up all that dough for you to teach their kids... just for you to use colloquial speech like some uneducated pleb.”

David scoffed dramatically. “Look at you trying to sound smart now!”

“At least I used complete sentences.” Larry chuckled. “Alright kiddo, just tell me.”

“You know, even though you are ten minutes older than me, it doesn’t give you the right to call me kiddo!”

Larry laughed out loud. “Shut up, kiddo.”

David sighed heavily, saying nothing.

“Okay. If you don’t tell me right now, I’m hanging up. Okay, David?” Larry said with a brotherly affection.

“Right. You sure know how to convince people.”

“Let me guess, you got fired today!” Larry laughed obnoxiously. “For being boring!”

David tried not to laugh, and pulled the phone away from his face. He laughed a little bit, but then went back to the phone again. “Lar, I’m asexual.”

David stopped laughing. “Oh, kiddo, I always knew that.”

David let out a short exhale. “You did?”

“Yeah. After so many times you couldn’t find a steady girlfriend, or keep them around for more than a week or two. And in general, just... you seem uninterested in the ladies.”

“Yeah. It’s been tough to say the least.” David said with a sigh.

“Well... do you still wanna be with women? Do you got a person in mind? Like is there a network of asexual people you can mingle with?”

David smiled. His brother really was the best.

“I don’t know.” David said softly, feeling nervous.

David heard his brother sneeze. “Bless you!”

Larry laughed. “Thanks.”

“I do have someone in mind.”

“Oh, man! David! Who is it?”

“One of my colleagues. I can’t speak to them. It’s impossible.”

“Hmmm.” Larry sighed. “What’s their name?”

“Look, Lar, I’m fifty. I’m old. I don’t think it’s really prudent of me to go looking for love now.”

“I’m fifty, too, for God’s sakes. We are the same damn age. I’m not old! Shit, can you cut it out! All of this moping bullshit. If my stupid ass can find someone, so can you.”

“I think Clarissa just likes dapper old men.” David said cheekily.

“Oh, man, you’re just asking for a butt whopping next time I see you.” Larry chuckled anyway. “Clarissa was a rare find. I married her right away before she could find someone that didn’t pick their nose and drink beer on Sundays.”

David laughed. “I like her. She’s very feisty. You did find someone awesome.”

“I agree. Now it’s your turn. So who is the lucky... person?”

David chuckled. “Um...”

“Tell me! Please. I won’t judge you.”

“Promise?”

“Kiddo, I swear.”

“It’s this professor from the science department.”

“Is it a gal or a guy?”

“You’re not freaked out, are you?”

“No, kiddo.”

“Guy.”

“No kidding. Is he bookish? Is he real smart?”

David closed his eyes and thought of Arron.

He had this wispy brownish blonde hair. Green eyes. Glasses. Quiet, but funny.

And brilliant.

David blushed, and said, “Yeah. He’s smart.”

“Do you guys talk often? Seriously, can you ask him out?”

“He’s straight. I bet. And even if he wasn’t straight... I’m not, uh... I don’t even have sexual feelings for anyone, ever. Male or female. That isn’t conducive to a real relationship. Most people have sexual relationships.”

“Ah, whatever. You need to find out. Anyway, I got to go. Nice talking to you. We need to hang out soon. Also, mom wants you to call her.”

David sighed, not wanting to call his mom today. She always was overbearing on them. “Nope.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“You can tell Clarissa.”

“Ah, shucks. Okay, I will.”

They finally said goodbye, and David felt so much better for talking to his brother about everything.

The pleasant memory served as a blank spot now in David’s mind.

He could only sense what was the faint pleasant sensibility between him and the other person, who he couldn’t seem to remember now. He was still having a hard time remembering his own name.

But he was awake now.

He saw a blinding light in his eye. Then the other.

He saw the same lady he saw before writing notes down.

He still for some reason, remembered the black notebook.

How important it was.

But not why it was important.

“His old name was David... worked at UCLA.” He heard the lady say to another scientist.

He heard something about Chronic wasting disease, something about wasps and prions, and how they would possibly have to do an autopsy to find out exactly the cause, cutting open the brain... and David realized he needed to say something.

Anything.

He felt like these were bad people, and that they wanted to keep the zombie population growing and growing.

His paranoia hit a new extreme when they came over to him with a knife.

He tried to start to speak.

“Uhhh.... ehhhh..... ahhhhh.... arghhh....” Was all David could muster out.

Another scientist stepped in.

“Is it trying to speak?” A younger looking Asian man said.

“No. That’s impossible!” The lady said.

All of a sudden he remembered something.

“Take it to the lab. The notebook has everything in it to solve this crisis. I swear, kiddo, everything will be alright.”

The words echoed very clearly in his clouded mind.

And he couldn’t remember who said it, but what was blocked in his brain was starting to come out again, slowly. Like a backed up drain.

And then he remembered another thing.

Touching someone’s hand.

Laughing. Picking up a lot of dropped books.

Joking about something stupid, like in a Jim Carrey movie.

And green eyes, and large glasses.

And a date.

He seemed a bit more lucid, and started to try and speak again.

“No.... note....notes...book.”

“Holy shit!” The lady almost screamed, dropping her coffee on the floor. “It spoke!”

The other scientist nodded. “I knew it.”

“He said notebook!” An older white gentleman scientist said.

“He must have a notebook.” The lady said. “John, you get it.” She pointed at a seated man.

“No. I’m not touching it.” He said backing away. “I’m just an intern!”

“Fine. I will.” She said exasperatedly, getting close to David.

David tried to talk again. “Fam—-gah—-fa... famaly... family!”

“Ahh! It talked again.” She ran away.

“He said family.” The intern said, standing up. “He wants his family. And the notebook.”

The Asian scientist said decidedly, “I’m getting that notebook.”

He went toward the restrained specimen and loosened the straps a bit, asking, “Where is the notebook?”

“Co...coat.” David said.

He nodded. “Okay.” He reached in the pockets and found a small black notebook. The scientist then tightened the restraints again.

“Uh, shit. There’s a formula in here.” He said, looking through the book.

“A formula?” The lady asked curiously.

“It seems like a cure for this virus.”

The scientists all clamored around the notebook.

“We should save him! He wants to go back to his family!” The intern said after much fuss.

“Oh, now you have something to contribute, huh, John!” The lady snapped.

“Well, he did bring us the cure.”

“Yeah!”

They almost all agreed.

“We can’t just... we all put in a lot of funding for these specimens. It’s... if he’s cured.. we just are going to let him go?” The lady whispered.

The intern scoffed. “That’s the moral thing to do.”

“Yeah, he’s obviously conscious to some extent.”

They almost all agreed again.

Except the lady. “But, our main shareholders won’t like this. We won’t have any... ugh. This isn’t fiscally sound.”

“But if we provide the cure, we can charge a lot for it.” The older man said. “It’ll legitimatize our organization.”

“But, he is too deep into the degenerate state to save.” The lady argued.

The heated debate went on for awhile.

David realized his life was on the line.

He decided he wouldn’t wait for these greedy people to decide to do the right thing.

Thankfully, the scientist who retrieved the notebook actually loosened the restraints instead of tightening them, due to the frantic state of everything going on. David, who was starting to remember his name, got out of the restraints and was quietly slinking away.

But not before grabbing the notebook.

The vigorous debate held up so long that they didn’t notice that David had left.

He found some old sunglasses lying around on the ground and put them on, too. It was a good disguise for a zombie.

His range of motion and awareness was starting to become normal.

But, he knew he had to get to another lab quick.

He ended up getting lost.

The scientists found him again.

“What a cool zombie professor, he got some sunglasses.” The intern joked after they restrained David again. John looked at him. “Listen, I think your name is David. We’re going to help you.”

And they did.

They cured David with his twin brother’s formula.

And they also cured many others, too.

They became a legitimate scientific laboratory, for medicine and research. Their initial scheme to have bounty “head hunters” track down zombies and bring them to their facility for unorthodox purposes and testing was replaced by proper care and treatment of those who had gotten the degenerate virus. The effect that some zombies felt "euphoric," after being stung by the jewel wasp was highly exaggerated. David did not feel that way.

After weeks of trials, treatments and medical tests, they let David go.

His brother Larry, however, had been freaking out the whole time his brother had been missing.

So was their mother. She was a bit histrionic, making multiple calls to the Chief of Police, the mayor, and the Dean of David’s university. She loved her two sons very much. Some might say too much.

To her, though, too much was not enough.

They had called the police and made a missing person’s report.

Larry had stayed up late with his wife Clarissa making missing person posters and calling friends, colleagues, and neighbors, trying to figure out when and where anyone had last seen his brother David. Clarissa even sold her old family hierloom, a very expensive heart locket that had been in the family for generations. It was worth about 5,000 dollars. It was the reward money for anyone who knew of David’s whereabouts.

No one responded with any tangible results or answers. Larry was highly impressed and appreciated his wife’s selfless act of love toward his brother. Clarissa said she’d do it all over again, no questions asked.

Larry had talked to Arron, who was very worried about David as well, and had only seen and talked to him at the University the day of his disappearance.

David had finally remembered his last interaction right before he got stung, before he was sent over with the notebook and the formula, to help all those people who were unfortunately zombified.

It was with Arron.

He and Arron had met before, through the Dean, and found they had things in common: comics, Jim Carrey movies and Spider-Man.

Crashing was another thing.

Arron crashed into things quite a bit.

David, not so much. But, the day of the infection, well, earlier that day, he had crashed into Arron on accident.

Arron was carrying a lot of books for his class and David was really into reading a book, and as they crossed paths, they crashed into one another.

The books toppled over the men, and Arron stumbled, almost landing on top of David.

They had a moment of intense eye contact, and David blushed bright red.

“I’m so sorry, Arron!” David said with wide eyes. He helped Arron up and their hands touched.

Arron laughed. “No, I’m sorry. It’s alright, Dave,” He chuckled. “It was merely a statistical anomaly that we should crash into each other this way, in this moment, but it sure gave me a good laugh.”

David smiled, but felt his heart tremble terribly. The way Arron called him Dave. It made him feel dizzy.

“I didn’t realize how blue your eyes were,” Arron said, still picking up the books. David was helping him. “Does everyone in your family have that color eyes?”

David cleared his throat nervously. “Uh, no. My twin brother’s is blue, too. But my parents have green and brown eyes.”

“Well, that’s a genetic mystery to me, but a very cool one. I have never seen such a deep shade of blue in an iris before. Green eyes are rare. Brown eyes are common.”

David felt bold from his conversation with his brother, and from realizing that though he wasn’t attracted to people in the way most people were, he knew there was something special about Arron and he couldn’t let it go. He liked him immensely.

He said, “Well, you have the most rare eyes. Green, right? Very nice.”

Arron smiled, a light blush on his cheeks. “Why, thank you, Dave. Yours are nice, too.”

David felt incredibly happy but still nervous, blushing. “Thanks.”

“What were you reading before we collided?” Arron asked.

David showed him the book.

“Thus Spoke Zarathustra?”

David nodded. “It’s just for fun.”

Arron grinned, nodding in agreement. “I like Plato’s Republic better. I feel like Nietzsche preaches too much.”

David laughed. “Preaches? He didn’t believe in God.”

“He was anti religion, really. I mean, it’s true. He didn’t believe in God. But, I believe that he postured that science and religion was what “killed God,” and that he remained dead because of what humans created.”

David nodded. “I think science can help prove the existence of God. I mean, I get what he was saying, but still. I don’t believe we killed God. God is still here.”

Arron smiled at him in affirmation. “I think that we have to get to class.”

“There’s not many students here. Since that virus has taken over.” David commented with a heavy sigh.

“I try not to let it keep me down.” Arron said, adjusting his glasses.

They both nodded solemnly.

“Hey, you wanna get together sometime for dinner? Maybe at my place. That’ll be safer than a restaurant.” David said quickly, hoping his bravery wasn’t for naught.

Arron nodded with a grin. “Yes. I’ll check my planner for a good date. We’ll be in touch.”

David wanted to clarify things. Even as he was terrified of what may happen as a result. “Uh, Arron?”

“Yeah, Dave?”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Arron blushed. “What... what do you mean?” He whispered.

“Are you single?” David said clearly.

Arron nodded. “I’m single. Are you?”

“I am. So, it’s a date?” David asked.

Arron bit his lip. “Dave, I’ve been waiting for you to say that the moment we met.”

David laughed. “Oh, thank goodness!”

Arron laughed. “Cute. Okay, I’ll see ya around. Thanks for crashing into me.”

They waved goodbye and walked away but not before saying in unison, “Thanks for the free parking!”

It was their inside joke, but also a reference to the movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective: When Nature Calls.

They both loved that movie.

He had a lot to catch up on now he was back from that horrific ordeal, and he thanked God and all his lucky stars he wasn’t a zombie anymore.

He couldn’t very well go on a date with Arron like that. Even with those crappy sunglasses.

He reunited with Larry, who gave him such a bone crushing hug, that David thought he had a few broken ribs because of it.

“Oh, kiddo, I’m so happy you’re back. What happened? Where were you? I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you.” Larry hugged him again. “I love you, bro.”

“I love you, too, Lar.” David said, hugging his brother back. “It’s a long story. Ugh. I was a zombie... someone found me and sold me off for twenty grand. I escaped the lab and I wore sunglasses as a disguise. I told the scientists about the notebook. They found your cure. It was a good thing you liked to study prion diseases on your spare time, as well as being a virologist. I tried to remember your name. My name. I couldn’t.” David sighed. “It was the worst nightmare. I remembered feeling like I couldn’t control my body at all. My whole life felt frozen in time.”

Larry looked crestfallen. “Oh, holy hell. I’m so sorry, that’s so fucked up. I wish I could have been there to get you help.”

“So, I ended up being fine, I guess. I feel like this nightmare really changed how I view my life. But... before this happened ... I actually made a date.”

“A date?”

“Yeah. With that colleague Arron I told you about.”

“Awesome! That’s great, kiddo!"

“I hope it goes okay. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to him. Or the other stuff about myself. I hope I don’t scare him off.”

“If he’s the right one for you, it won’t scare him.”

David nodded, “Wise words.”

“Yeah. I am the wise one.”

“You mean a wise ass!” David laughed.

They hugged again, and met up with their mother.

Their father had passed away five years ago, making their mother cling to them even more.

Once she had heard everything from start to finish she was shocked, disheartened, flabbergasted, angry, but mainly she looked at her son David and said, “Well, what are you waiting for, Professor Zombie, go get your man!”

She hugged and kissed him and they all laughed.

“You should wear some sunglasses too. Be cool.” Larry teased. “Like in that movie, Pulp Fiction.”

That was their favorite movie to watch together. They especially loved the end scene with Jules and Ringo.

And David was cool, and finally had his date with Arron.

It went really well, even after David had explained how he was asexual.

And…Arron was supportive! Their relationship grew slowly but they became something important to one another. They fell in love.

——-

And that’s how I learned to truly be myself. Yes, this is David. I wrote this story to finally excoriate and unwrap all the years of my confusion and sadness. The pain of my transformation. As a zombie. As a human. As a person who wasn’t sure who he was. Oh, and when I found out about the heart locket—-I got it back. Clarissa is such a sweetheart. And so is my Arron. ❤️ He helped me buy it back.