Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Disclaimer

"This piece is about mental health awareness and the struggle many people face every single day. It is not meant as a diagnostic tool or to give any medical advice whatsoever. Every individual has their own story and their own treatment plan, so even if you see part of yourself in this piece, it's vital that you seek the help of a trained professional. It IS okay not to be okay." Courtney Capone

Prologue | Story 1 | Story 2 | Story 3 | Story 4 | Story 5 | Story 6 | Story 7 | Story 8 | Story 9 | Story 10 | Story 11 | Story 12 | Story 13

This is the fourteenth story about phobias. This is not a real story, but it is a real problem.

It's easy to say that we are strong and that we will survive this stage. I am a nurse, and I wasn't aware of my anxiety. It was easier when I was isolated from everyone. I always thought that I couldn't sleep because I was too tired to rest. The problem was deep, and I was digging a hole of reasons to understand my emotions and reactions.

The frenetic hours of work, taking care of people with the virus in the intensive unit, focusing from task to task without thinking, and not realizing what I was doing to myself.

I will deal with that tomorrow! My mantra was so wrong – a lot of us think that way. Taking care of yourself does not have a tomorrow. It takes just a second to do something for you! Smiling, singing, uncovering your emotions, and understanding them without judgments. Life does not have superheroes. We cannot win them all! It is normal to look for help, we don’t have all the answers – and that’s the beauty of life!

I was a train, just waiting to crash. My anxiety was something that I wouldn't believe existed, naming it as something else. It was because I was tired… The day was long… It was a hard shift… The pandemic situation was affecting all of us…

Despite being half-truths, I wasn't ready to see the real me at the moment. It was easy to stay away from everyone, to think that I could infect someone that I loved. That death was coming for all of us. This was a new life: without friends, family, close relations. No place to go or to be other than work and alone in my room.

At first, it was normal to be apart from my family because it was dangerous, I acknowledge it. With information, my mind was always trying to find some excuses to remain isolated. My heart was pounding every time that I was near my husband and kids, even with the masks on.

Gradually, they were noticing that I had changed completely from the person that I was before the pandemic. Another excuse: the work was hard, and I was just tired and wanted to go to bed – isolated, without fears, without much sleep.

My bed was a place of what if’s. My thoughts were always surrounding the virus: what if I would lose my job after this phase… What if I would get the virus and die, leaving my family behind. What if they died? I would lose my breath for a second, my body was sweating like never before… And my excuse? Oh… This is just a phase, I am tired. That’s why.

When have my excuses stopped? Never. I am currently trying to find an excuse to stop going to my psychologist, I am spending money and I don’t think it’s fair. There are worst people than I. Tomorrow will be a good day to start over.

I keep forgetting about the present. The worries that my husband has. The way that my children feel each time that I try to get away from them – unknowingly.

This morning I’ve had another episode. I was fine, having a good day, until I stopped to eat something. The room was almost empty, there were only two colleagues eating their sandwiches. My eyes focused on their mouths, thinking about all the possibilities of them having the virus. I could get it and kill all my family, that’s what crossed my mind.

My heart raced, I lost my breath and could feel the sweat running my forehead. Then, something happened. It went dark.

Now I am in my car, trying to think of a good reason to go home. I have no job, for now. I have to get better to work again.

Life is a journey and I do not know where mine will take me. I am afraid. I need help.

Coronaphobia is an anxiety disorder where people have a unrealistic fear of this situation in general. It goes from fears like loosing the job because of the pandemics, having social restrictions, contracting the virus, dying from it or passing to others. For a better understanding of this new phobia, please check the following link.

Please don't be hard on yourself. It is normal if you don't get some sickness in the early stages. Just like the flu, at first we think about everything... Then we reach the main cause of our problem. We are human and we don't have all the knowledge. You did your best with what you'd had.

It is your priority to take care of you! Without yourself, you can't do anything.

The next story about insomnia will appear on Courtney Capone's profile… Stay tuned!