As if we knew each other for ages

I recalled how you’d told me: “To share is to care.”

And I started to share with you all my problems, my worries, and my sorrows. Ah, how many of them I’ve got. Too many for a person who has just recently entered this world. I find it hard to digest that while in one hemisphere there’s the sun shining down, illuminating peoples’ countenances, the other is shrouded in darkness. And people there are cuddling up to each other, eager to survive the freezing night. They exchange their fluids, and their diseases, barter their goods and swap their identities. No, listen, I’m not that illiterate, I’m not talking about the Northern and Southern hemispheres. I’m inferring the hemispheres that are formed when you cut Earth vertically in two halves. Just hypothetically, of course. And all these my words are just a figure of speech. What really worries me are not people exchanging their fluids, but the instability and fragility of this world. They kept telling us: all for our future generation, all for you, children. Rejoice! Together toward a better, happier future. By my humble calculations, this future should have come two days ago. On my way to bed, I intentionally pretended that I forgot to linger for a while near the front door to turn the key in the lock. But, the truth be told, I didn’t have the slightest opportunity to do so, as you were calling me by my last name pretending to be annoyed that it’s taking me so long to come to you. “Hurry,” you were saying. “Come to me, I’m so cold”. You also believed in the outcome of my calculations. So, we left our door open that night, in anticipation of a better future to come the next morning. Indeed, the future came that morning, and as it always happens, it immediately became the present. But was it better? I cannot tell, because I did not wake up that morning.

I can only hope and believe that it indeed was better for hundreds and thousands of people. But not for you, obviously. How did it happen that you lost me? You lost me on the same exact day when we were planning to start everything anew, from a blank snow-white sheet of paper. We had plans, you and I.

You should carry on, do you hear? Now I’ve got all these troubles in my grip, need not worry. I can handle ‘em. What are you doing? Why did you stop taking care of our cozy corner? Of yourself? Is it what you think I’d like you to do? Hell no. I’m watching you, goddamn it! Now, stop behaving like somebody has passed away! May they rest in peace! But you pull your shit together and make some coffee. It’ll save your day, believe me. Because you are going to have a long day today, believe me. You’ll have to come close to the North Pole, and there, as you know, the night never shows up. You’ll definitely narrow your eyes because you’d want to look like local people. And they would take you into their family, and accept you for who you are, even though you are such a pretender; they would see it right away. But that’s what they’d really fancy in you.

And here you go, all dressed up, your breath smelling of espresso (how many of them did you have?), you stand in front of a frowning aged man, a polar pilot, your uncle, actually. You’re speaking of the voice in your head, and that you know, just know somehow that you should go, that I’m waiting for you. Pointing at his love for adventures (to a retired man!), reasoning that this would definitely be a great one. The old man surrenders, of course, he does, nobody can resist you for too long.

“Took you long enough,” you say.

“Thank you would do.”

“Thank you!”

There you fly. Above the clouds, below the clouds. Sandwiched between them, impatient, nervous probably. Eager for answers. Soon we will meet. Will it be a happy reunion? With tears of joy, and all these emotions, and a lot of questions. How? Why? I wish I could answer you honestly. But I won’t. I will lie to you.

Weeks passed by, and our glances finally met, you found me. My shack, in the middle of the ice desert, a grey spot, bringing to one’s mind nothing but affliction and dark thoughts. And here you stay, your eyes shining with excitement, even joy. Why aren’t you mad at me? That would be more than fair. And then it wouldn’t feel so awkward for me to start talking. But you started talking first.

“I see you were expecting guests. Only me or someone else will join us?”

“It’s such a terrible thing I’ve done to you. Disappearing. Testing our connection. I know, what you’ve come through because of me, I can feel it —”

“Yeah, I even had to shoot a polar bear. Poor thing was trying to steal all my rations. I would share with him of course, but he wanted to take absolutely everything, and actually, it looked like he was going to devour all of it in one go. Didn’t listen to a reason, thus I had to pull that trigger.”

“Yes, of course, you had to. But aren’t you mad at me?”

“I am. Of course, I am!”

“Alright then?”

“Alright. Shall we return home?”

Wait, I was not prepared that things would go so smoothly. I guess I was a very nice person, and you loved me. Maybe, all our previous life was full of mysteries and adventures? And it’s hard to surprise you anymore. But I still can feel all that despair that you’d been through. Not taking care of yourself, thinking about death. I don’t understand.

I don’t know who I am. The last thing I remember is disappearing from your life. But I don’t even know you. Physically, at least. Now I look at your beautiful face, but I’m seeing it for the first time in my life. It is literally as if I was born just a few months ago. Brought to life by you and to you. Am I just a part of your memories, your imagination? You should try better then, everything is so vague, so ready to crumble, to fall apart into myriads of tiny shiny pieces. All I can see is me disappearing from your life, and the next moment here I am, in the place where a human being normally would not abide. And for days, for weeks channeling your sorrow, your fading. I was so terrified and so confused. A life that is slowly going out, a candle twinkling on its last wax. And there’s nobody around, nobody did nothing to help, to bring you back to life. And then I remembered something. It was me who left you alone! Me, who caused you all this grief and suffering. God knows I didn’t want to. What should I do? I started talking to you. Oh, I startled you a lot. I’m sure you thought that you were going mad. But that brought you back to life! The madness that is worth it after all. Because now you are here, and you look so happy. I don’t know myself, but is it a problem? You do know me.

Although I don’t know how to behave. What shall I say? Shall I put my hands around you, or just pat you slightly on the shoulder? So awkward.

You keep chattering about something. I’m so glad, you know. It’s so simple now. As if we knew each other for ages. Or did we?

But I’m afraid to wake up. Which person will I wake up? Or maybe it’s me who won’t wake up. That’s the least painful option. For me, of course. But I’ve got responsibilities, there are people who keep pushing me to set the alarm clock. 6 AM sharp. But I always wake up before it rings. But maybe this time it’ll be different? I would like to stay longer. Dear god, please, make it be Sunday. No alarm clocks, no early breakfasts.