Announcing the death of Placeholder Text (Template)

My ridiculous take on RM Stockton's awesome "Write Club Prompt (Unofficial Challenge) 1. Write an Obituary, you can find out more about it here:

It is with great sadness/quiet reverence/deep and everlasting pain and a heavy heart/ troubled spirit/ thunderous hangover* that we announce the sudden and painful passing of our beloved friend/husband/wife/colleague/sworn enemy*, (Placeholder Name).

(Placeholder name) passed away peacefully in his sleep/on the toilet/engulfed in the flames of a bonfire/tumbling around in a washing machine on the spin cycle* on (Placeholder Date). Born on Placeholder date, he was born and raised in a upstate NY/barn/Slough*. He was known to many as "the man who gets things done/the dirtiest scoundrel of the east coast/Derrick*. We all likely remember his great laughter/dirty limericks/withered hand*, especially after a few Harvey Wallbangers/Long Island Iced Tea/Diet Pepsi'*. He leaves behind a wife, son, daughter, dog, cat and a plethora of mistresses/boyfriends/johns/slaves across the east coast/Africa/China/Slough*.

His dear wife/boyfriend/bit of filth on the side/two-thirds of his throuple* have said the funeral/burial/cremation/ceremonial funeral pyre barn dance/sacrificial lamb slaughter* will take place on the family's grounds/Wal-Mart parking lot/Slough* on Placeholder Date 2024. All in attendance are expected to laugh/cheer/hush in reverential silence/tell their best joke about a prolapsed anus* and kiss/bed/irritate/dance with* at least one of the deceased family members.

The family have asked kindly/forcibly* that all donations/blood money be paid to one of the following charities/debt collectors/loan sharks*.

*delete as appropriate.

*

Thanks for reading!

Author's Notes: So, I tried Rob. I tried. Have written so many depressing things...tried to go for cynical meets satirical meets wtf?

As proof that I can actually write: