Announcing the death of Placeholder Text (Template)
My ridiculous take on RM Stockton's awesome "Write Club Prompt (Unofficial Challenge) 1. Write an Obituary
My ridiculous take on RM Stockton's awesome "Write Club Prompt (Unofficial Challenge) 1. Write an Obituary, you can find out more about it here:
It is with great sadness/quiet reverence/deep and everlasting pain and a heavy heart/ troubled spirit/ thunderous hangover* that we announce the sudden and painful passing of our beloved friend/husband/wife/colleague/sworn enemy*, (Placeholder Name).
(Placeholder name) passed away peacefully in his sleep/on the toilet/engulfed in the flames of a bonfire/tumbling around in a washing machine on the spin cycle* on (Placeholder Date). Born on Placeholder date, he was born and raised in a upstate NY/barn/Slough*. He was known to many as "the man who gets things done/the dirtiest scoundrel of the east coast/Derrick*. We all likely remember his great laughter/dirty limericks/withered hand*, especially after a few Harvey Wallbangers/Long Island Iced Tea/Diet Pepsi'*. He leaves behind a wife, son, daughter, dog, cat and a plethora of mistresses/boyfriends/johns/slaves across the east coast/Africa/China/Slough*.
His dear wife/boyfriend/bit of filth on the side/two-thirds of his throuple* have said the funeral/burial/cremation/ceremonial funeral pyre barn dance/sacrificial lamb slaughter* will take place on the family's grounds/Wal-Mart parking lot/Slough* on Placeholder Date 2024. All in attendance are expected to laugh/cheer/hush in reverential silence/tell their best joke about a prolapsed anus* and kiss/bed/irritate/dance with* at least one of the deceased family members.
The family have asked kindly/forcibly* that all donations/blood money be paid to one of the following charities/debt collectors/loan sharks*.
*delete as appropriate.
*
Thanks for reading!
Author's Notes: So, I tried Rob. I tried. Have written so many depressing things...tried to go for cynical meets satirical meets wtf?
As proof that I can actually write:
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Scottish-Italian poet/writer from Glasgow.
Overflowing in English language torture and word abuse.
"Every man has a sane spot somewhere" R.L Stevenson
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection is now available!
https://paulspoeticprints.etsy.com
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More stories from Paul Stewart and writers in Fiction and other communities.
A Plumeria to Remember
I brought a plumeria with me today. Sitting at the spot. You know the spot. Where we would sit. Where the sea air catches against the palms and filters down the long fronds and we would feel the chills course through our bodies. As I feel those chills flow through my body and shiver, I remember. I remember it like it was yesterday, the first time we sat there. The first time I reached over to you and pulled you in close to rest your head against my body. To warm you.
By Paul Stewart4 months ago in Fiction
Crushed
The corridors of the hospital had never seemed this long, twisting this way and that. When I took the job here almost four years ago I remember nearly getting lost in the first few weeks. Three more corners, two flights of stairs, and I'll be there. I tell myself as my slapping steps echo around the walls. It's strange the way everything seems so quiet today.
By E. W. Lynn2 days ago in Fiction
Comments (14)
Well, now. I've printed a copy for mark-up and inclusion in my will. I think I'll go with the funeral pyre in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Loved your extremely clever take on this, my friend! Well done!
Wow... all bases were certainly covered!
😄 Very creative and kooky!
This is a wonderfully humorous take on the prompt!
🤣 Paul, this is perfectly brilliant and quite hilarious. Like a Mad Lib funeral memorial! Your mind is deeply twisted, my friend. I love that about you! lol This Template is brutally honest yet practical. It needs to be circulated wide and put to use. Job well done, Paul!
OMG Brilliant Paul! Hillariously and wonderfully cynical! My kinda vibe! Rob's gonna love it!
Love it. This could have been helpful during my thirty plus years in ministry, lol. Especially since toward the end you referred to "deceased family members" rather than "family members of the deceased." Suggesting perhaps a little necrophilia?
Two-thirds of his throple! Slaves! Irritate! Blood money! Forcibly! Sacrificial lamb slaughter! Loan sharks! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
the donations part made me laugh the hardest...tells it all :)
I once had a telemarketer call me and drone on and on. I was fascinated, so put him on speaker as I typed. He would say aloud every so often "Turn page". My guess is that he just read everything that was written, including the directions. Yours is much much better.
This made me laugh a lot. It’s quite creative and has just enough dark humor in it, which I happen to enjoy. I think it’s well done.
This made me laugh a lot! Love it!
Hahaha. Bloody fantastic.
Slough!