Alize's Story

11/11/19

Dear diary,

Love is complicated. I hate it but it makes the world a better place. I feel like I need it in order to survive. I haven't learned how to progress in life without it. I'm so young but I feel like I've been hurt so much. Why do people treat me the way they do? Am I not good enough to be treated with loyalty and respect? My mom taught me to be independent, she never needed a man for anything. She was so happy with just me and her. And she was handy too! She loves a good diy project. Any who, growing up I always said that I didn't want a boyfriend or that I was fine being alone. Lately I've been trying to fill the void that my father left in my heart. Now me and my homegirls Chardonnay and Brandy can pull men okay! That's never been a problem for us. Brandy and Mauri are so cute, they're going to the same college next fall . Chardonnay and Caine have a baby on the way, she just told me today! After graduation I want to go to college too. I hope I'm in a better situation by then. It seems like man after man, it always ends the same. Nobody ever appreciates me. I'm always left with a broken heart and feeling like I'm not good enough for the love I give. I'm always going above and beyond for the guys I fall for but in the end I'm the one left hurt. If I leave its like I did them wrong and no-one ever truly loved them, if I stay I'm a dummy and the butt of everyone's jokes. Its like deep down I know that they don't want me but I stick around hoping that one day it'll be different. That I'm the one someone will choose over someone else. The last one however, I'm not sure ever loved me. Its like I saw the signs and ignored them, I guess I have no one to blame but myself. He tries to control me, monitoring everything I do to make sure I'm not doing him how he's doing me. I mean, did I really think that I was more than an opportunity to him? Did I really think he would ever love someone like me? He said I'm not his type... I must be ugly. He said he would never love someone like me..... So I'm not the one he wants right? I mean we don't even have sex. What teenage boy doesn't want sex? That's how I know I'm not the one he wants. How can we sit next to each other with out any physical touch. He doesn't even look at me the same anymore. I'm so stupid. Each time he did something I didn't like I would speak my peace and forgive, mainly because I was always taught to not have ill feelings towards anyone. But also because I felt like things were different with him. Each time he got mad he would say things like how I was never his type and how he never wanted me and how he was just using me. The next day he would apologize and everything would be good until I found something else. I told him I would let him do him, you don't want to be with me that's fine. He doesn't want me to do me though. Now I was taught as a kid to believe the things that someone says out of anger, those things are how they really feel about you. This made me look at him differently. Do you love me or not? You say yes but I don't think you mean it. I mean why am I not good enough to receive the same love I give out? Maybe this is just the life I was destined to live. I've always felt as if men dealt with me because it was convenient for them. I've always had this feeling that I wasn't deserving of love from any man. Maybe karma for something I did in my past life. All I know is I'm the one crying myself to sleep at night trying to figure out why even disturb my peace if they knew they didn't want me. My ex told me that I wasn't wifey material, not meant for relationships and I'm starting to believe it. He told me that nobody would ever want me. I think they only dealt with me because I feel the need to take care of them. Makes sense.... why give commitment when you're already getting everything they want from you. But also why play me when you can go be with whoever really makes you happy. I feel like I cant expect any man to love me when my own father didn't. I'm always sad, I haven't been myself in months. Knowing that someone would play me like that hurt. Eventually that sadness turned to anger. Tomorrow morning I'm going to confront him and if everything goes as planned that will be the last time he ever hears from me..... I'm gonna make him miss me. He doesn't understand that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.

11/12/19

Dear Diary,

I did it. I went to his house to talk after school. Nobody else was there just me and him. He told me that he was just using me the entire time. He told me that he's young and doesn't want anything serious right now. The more he talked, the angrier I got. I just couldn't stop myself. Releasing my anger felt so good but I did something that I can never come back from...... I don't know what to do.. maybe I'll just go pretend like nothing happened. I mean who would know what happened. His parents aren't even in town. What if someone saw me leave? I didn't call before I went so my phone records are good. Im scared. My mom will be so mad. Idk what to do.... It'll be so awkward when he doesn't show up for the football game tomorrow night..... I just.. Im scared and Idk who to talk to