Agnes’s Agony

Somber excitement filled her heart as she placed supplies in a backpack: food, extra clothes, water, first aid kit, a little love note tucked into the toiletry bag. Tomorrow her love of 24 years would leave for a dangerous journey. Sleep did not come easy and when it did her dreams were filled with blood and gore.

At the crack of dawn she stood at the stove cooking some eggs and the last of their bacon.

Steve stood silently in the doorway watching her work, a smile spread across his face as he remembered their first morning together after the wedding. She was not standing there naked like she had been that morning, but she was far more beautiful to him today than ever before. He walked towards her and she turned as the floor creaked in its usual spot. “You look gorgeous, did you know that?” He said wrapping his arms around her waist.

She ducked her head, “psst, I’m old, wrinkled, and a mess of morning hair and breath, nothing gorgeous about that.”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong love. You are perfect you know. I am the luckiest man in the world to have you by my side.”

“Are you sure I can’t stay by your side on this trip?” She asked knowing full well the answer would be no. They had been over it so many times and he refused to let her come.

“You know I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you. I need you here where I know you’re safe and comfortable.”

“I know,” she groaned, “but it doesn’t mean I won’t miss you and worry every second you’re away.”

He hugged her tighter kissing her head, “I’ll be back before you know it, and I’ll have Andrea with me!”

They ate in silence both nervous for the goodbye that was coming. He helped her with the dishes and then let out a great sigh.

Agnes knew that was the signal he would soon pick up the backpack and walk away from her. “Are you sure you can’t wait another day before you leave?”

“You know what they said love, it’s only a matter of months now before everything is in place and the shield becomes operational. Mail is unreliable and we can’t risk someone getting ahold of this information anyway. Even if we could get a cell signal I wouldn’t dare say anything to her over the phone. You know she won’t come without a good reason. I’m not even sure she will be willing to come once I tell her about the shield. Ever since Garrett and Dixon were killed in the war she has been adamant about helping the wounded. We have to try though.”

“I know, I agree, I want her here more than anything when the shield goes up, I can’t stand the thought of never seeing her again. I am just so worried about losing you both.”

“I will do everything in my power to come back to you, you know that. Give me a hug and a kiss and push me out the door will you. Pretend I’m just off to work like any other day.”

“Ha,” she thought, “there hasn’t been a normal day since before the world went crazy fighting.” But, she squeezed him tight and kissed him long and hard. The tears rolled down her face onto her nightshirt as she stood at the front gate waving till she couldn’t see him anymore.

Her days were filled with worry and fear, at night either sleep would not come or nightmares stole her rest. Days turned into weeks; she’d rush through chores and sit on the front porch staring out hoping today would be the day. She would sit there for hours imagining them walking towards the house with big smiles on their faces. She would run out and meet them pulling them both in so tight they would beg for breath.

Weeks tuned into months and her hope was beginning to wane. She had started walking to the edge of the city each day looking out across the valley wishing them there. One day she saw two figures coming towards her, full of excitement she ran for them. She was half way to them when she realized if it was really them they would be running for her as well. The closer the two got the more sorrow crushed her heart. It was not them, but they were ragged and half starved from their long journey through war torn cities and bombed out towns. This was not her Steve and Andrea, but they were dear to someone else who had risked everything to let them know they needed to come. She took them home let them bath, cleaned their clothes, gave them a good meal, and comfortable beds to sleep in. This is what she would want for her loved ones if they had come in one of the other towns.

And so her new quest fell into place. Each day she would go and watch for her family, and if she spotted any tired struggling person she would nurse life back into them so they could continue on to where their loved ones waited anxiously. Everyone that came into her home was shown the pictures on her mantle and asked the same question, “Did you see them in your travels?”

The answer was always, “No,” with a pat on the arm or a hug and, “I’m sure they are coming.”

She did not know the exact day the shield was set to go active, but she knew it had to be coming soon. Her mind was tormented with what she should do. One moment she was packing a bag ready to go off and find them. Being out there with them, outside the safety the shield would provide, was better than being inside all alone. The next instant she would remember her promise to Steve that she would not under any circumstance leave. She would imagine them coming home to an empty house and her all alone outside the shield. Her mind was torn and the wrinkles in her face seemed to double with the stress. She went on each day keeping busy, making sure everything was in order and ready for them to arrive.

The dreaded day arrived; she was out in the garden pulling weeds when she noticed a faint bluish green line in the sky falling towards the earth. “The shield is on,” she moaned as she stormed across the garden not even caring about the vegetables she destroyed. Dirt clods flipping up her back, her hat flying off as she raced out of town. She knew even as she pumped her legs harder that she would never beat the shield.

As it kissed the earth blocking out all the war and chaos and her whole life, her knees hit the ground and fists ponded it until they bled. “No!” She screamed over and over, sobbing until her eyes ran dry.

Her friend, Marci, found her there and helped her home. The following months were a blur; she lost all desire to even live. Her body already small and weak from stress grew even worse.

Marci came everyday and forced her to eat. One day she came and tossed her in the tub and said in a stern but loving voice, “Agnes, you need to pull out of this today. You know Steve would not want you wasting away like this. He wanted you to live and thrive here even if he didn’t make it back. Find a purpose and reason to live again!”

It was a struggle, she didn’t want to go on without them, they were her everything, but she knew Marci was right. Slowly she pulled herself out of the depths of depression. Each day it took all she had just to roll out of bed.

One day she walked to the shield, 4 little white crosses in hand. One for her husband, one for each son, and one for her daughter. She dug down in the hard packed earth and placed them in a neat little row. As she sat and cried she heard her Steve’s voice in her mind, “Find someone to serve love and be there for others, you will find joy again through service.”

She walked home slowly trying to figure out what she could do. She had a talent for knitting, so when she got home she pulled the dusty needles and yarn out and began. She did eventually found joy in knitting and giving away her creations to others in need. It made her happy seeing the smiles on faces of ill or struggling people, or getting to hold a newborn baby when she brought a blanket or hat. In time friends and acquaintances sought her out to teach them how to knit, and she would spend hours teaching others her gift and finding comfort in their company. Time passed quickly and though the hole in her heart was always there she learned to live with it.

She grew older, and it was more difficult to do things. She did not knit as much or teach others because it took so much out of her now. She agreed one day to go teach a group of homeschoolers a few lessons at the library.

The first day she went a young girl caught here eye. She was beautiful with long blonde hair and blue eyes; she looked so much like her Andrea even down to the heart shaped locket around her neck. Agnes had given Andrea a similar locket on her 16 birthday. That was just before she left in the middle of the night leaving a note explaining that she had to go out and try to help other young men like her brothers; their deaths had hit her hard.

Agnes felt drawn to this girl and walked up to her saying, “I love your locket honey, it reminds me of the one I gave my daughter years ago.”

The connection seemed instant and natural. Agnes learned her name was Tani, she was strong, independent, and determined; full of life and mystery so much like her Andrea. After Agnes taught her lesson she would sit for hours visiting with Tani. She convinced her after the first week to call her Grandma and it filled Agnes’s heart with gold to hear it. Agnes taught more lessons than she had planned just so she could have extra time to visit.

Sitting at home thinking about Tani one day a plan formed in her mind. “She must be a student at the university near by, so perhaps she would find the idea of free room and board appealing” she mused. Agnes was getting to old to care for her home, and it would be good to have someone there to help and give her company. This planned seemed the perfect solution in her mind.

She was overwhelmed with gratitude when Tani, without even a second thought, agreed to the plan.

Agnes washed the sheets and tidied up Andrea’s room, sorrow and joy fighting to occupy her heart.

When Tani’s eyes fill with tears after she showed her the room, joy completely won the fight. Tani turned and hugged her, “it’s perfect and wonderful, thank you so much Grandma Agnes!”

A little portion of the hole in Agnes’s heart was filled.

-————————————————————If you enjoyed Agnes’s story you might like to hear Tani’s, if so check it out here.

Or if you’d like to try something different check out this story.