A Wise Woman Keeps Her Head

6th January, Year of our Lord, fifteen hundred and forty

It should have been a joyous morn despite winter's frosty grip. Yet His Majesty's heart cracked icy under royal finery, deep in the bowels of Greenwich Palace.

Candles flickered in grand rooms, and there was good cheer leftover from Christmas. The King swigged it with his breakfast, a mere nine courses of venison, beef, and pheasant. (Not counting the cheese courses and sweets.)

He chewed and scowled, jowls a-wobble with trepidation, for today he was to be wed to Anne of Cleeves. Little Henry, too, drooped within his trouser, undoubtedly alarmed at the prospect of consummation. Ah, such heavy duty and harsh work befalls a King of England.

Henry's beringed sausagey fingers prodded at the shining screen beside his plate. YourNextHotWyfe25 smiled at him coquettishly from under her French hood. The King sighed. No use perusing Tudr now. He opened "Ye Olde Contactes" scrolled down to TomCrom, and opened a new missive. "mate," he tapped morosely, "she looketh nothing like her profile picture". Whereupon, he put the glowing box away and boiled gently in his own regret.

The wedding went okay, one guesses, but while she spoke her vows, he pondered whether 25 was an age, or a year.

Little Henry was just as unenthusiastic later on. At last the King lay alone in his enormous bed, crown askew, gleaming tablet in his grasp, ogling the brides on Tudr.

KING: finna need an annulment, Tommo, thif will totally never worke

TomCrom: did u even 🍆 bro

KING: alaf.

TomCrom: 👍

KING: Cathy17_4u on Tudr, hook me up

In the days that followed, it was made as plain as Anne that the match was poorly made. He even caught himself thinking of the other Anne, his Queen B. The witch. How she could converse with him in both English and French, or by letter the same. Learned, witty, and sophisticated. In short, nothing like his new bride.

Keen not to accidentally start a war over Little Henry's whimf, he was generous to his bride in their parting. He saw her later on Kingstagram, KingsSista1540, looking much happier and more gorgeous than ever she had in his halls.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + Author's Note: Word count: 366 (NB. This excludes the title, subtitle, and authors note.) Submitted on Monday 2nd September at 23:53

A Year of Stories: I'm writing (and submitting, here) a story every day this year. This one continues my 246 day streak since 1st January. Please consider lending your support to the other creators on this madcap "a story every day" adventure. They're putting out excellent content every day! Rachel Deeming Gerard DiLeo

The story behind the story:

I hope the inspiration for this is obvious! It's been bumping around in my melon for ages, and I thought it was time to give it some air.

Considering how fast and loose I played with so many details, I did a weird amount of research for this one. I also spent far too long looking for a long S I could sprinkle throughout, and even longer checking that I'd be using it correctly. (Which was stupid, because I ended up just using f's and putting them wherever I fancied).

I'm pretty sure I got the dates right. I don't know for sure that King Henry VIII ate nine meaty courses for breakfast, but he might have done.

They actually got their annulment several months later, and it was apparently fairly amicable. Certainly by Henry's usual standards. I mean, she was alive, for one thing. She did get a settlement and a title out of it. His next wife was a plant in his household (no, I don't mean a Japanese peace lily) during his marriage to Anne of Cleeves rather than off a dating app on his wedding night.

I'm making assumptions about his His Royal Penif. Just be grateful there was no gag about dick pics in there. It would have worn a crown, FTR. On a related topic, if I break my streak tomorrow there's a strong possibility I've been hanged.

Thank you

Especially if you are one of the wonderful people who has been staunchly reading these daily scribbles since the start of the year. I see you, and appreciate you very much indeed!

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Thank you again!