A Tale of Two Bounty Hunters

Characters:

Arthur the Man: Everyday bounty hunter. Once worked a job as an

artisan ice cream chef.

● Why the man? Because it sounds cool and because he doesn’t have

a last name it makes him sound like he is noteworthy or is very

powerful/reliable

King Kenneth: Not actual royalty. Arthur’s best friend and firearm

expert.

● Why king? Because he is Arthur’s accomplice, he has a royal

title so that Arthur being the main character doesn’t undermine

him as a bounty hunter

Scene 1: The Boy’s office

King Kenneth, walking in room: Hey Arthur, I got a lead on a guy

who's supposedly the leader of the Red Panda crime syndicate. His

name is Virgil Fabien, and has ties with Big Richard Guillien and

Terry “Steamboat” Watterson .

Arthur: Who the hell are Big Richard and Steamboat?

Kenneth: They were the smugglers we caught in the white, Red Panda

van. We found multiple boxes of explosives, and that weird, orange

substance we took in to the authorities.Arthur, standing up and walking out: Oh yeah, I remember them.

(Laughs) i still think its stupid they chose Red Panda conservation

as a cover-up though.

Kenneth: *chuckles*

Scene 2: Virgil Fabien’s lair

Henchman: Look, i just think it’s stupid that we chose red panda

conservation as a cover up

Henchman 2: (reading magazine) It’s not stupid, it’s smart. If we act

like we’re saving red pandas, we can smuggle drugs, weapons, anything

we want in those crates

Henchman: Yeah but why red pandas? It’s not worth the effort to cover

it up

Henchman 2: Look, there’s a lotta pro’s and cons to it. One pro is

that we can easily cross international borders since it’s animal

conservation

Henchman: Who’s crossing international borders? I’ve been stuck in

this building for the past five months. All i can do is spend my time

learning about red pandas to make this scam more believable cause

fabien won’t let me do anything except monitor duty

Henchman 2: (sigh)

Henchman: Ya know, there are less than 10,000 red pandas left in the

wild. And another thing, they’re more closely related to raccoons

than actual pandas. And a lot of people-

(Computer monitor beeping)

Henchman 2: oh shut up and go see what that is

Henchman: (looking at monitor) ah great (runs out of room)

Henchman: (entering fabiens room) Mr. Fabien, we’re getting a signal

for a moving vehicle approaching fast.

Virgil: Alright, get two snipers out there immediately.Henchman: Yes sir.

Virgil, under his breath: Typical bounty hunters. Falling into my

traps like blind mice

Scene 3: Outside Virgil’s lair in the Boys’ car:

Kenneth: You know, I used to know a guy who worked for fabien. Fabien

killed him after he tried to take out fabiens wife

Arthur: Take out? Like.. (puts finger gun to head)

Kenneth: No, not like that, like on a date

Arthur: Ah. I’m guessing that didn’t work out too well for him.

Kenneth: maybe if we ever take a dip in the allegheny you can dive to

the bottom and ask him yourself. And anyways, the only thing he ever

told me ablut fabien is if I came to capture him, his henchmen would

be a pain to get through.

Arthur, getting out of the car and sighing: Aren’t they always. Well,

we’ll see about that

Scene 4: Into the lair:

Kenneth: Let’s move up over that hill northwest. We could dodge those

snipers up on that hill.

Arthur: Don’t you think we should kill him and play a little dress

up?

Kenneth: I don’t see why not. I’m gonna get behind that tree over

there and blow-dart him.

Arthur: I’ll extract his body.

*Arthur and Kenneth kill the sniper and Arthur puts on his uniform

and picks up his rifle. Second sniper shoots at kenneth and barely

misses*

Kenneth: Arthur there’s another one!Arthur: where?

Kenneth: to the left!

Arthur: my left or your left?

Kenneth: it’s the same left!!

Arthur: oh right

Kenneth, confused: right?

Arthur takes out the sniper just in time before the sniper can get a

clear shot at kenneth, then Arthur and Kenneth regroup*

Kenneth: Alright, here’s the plan. You’re gonna cuff me, take me in

as a hostage, then we’re gonna blow out all the henchmen. We need

Fabian alive if we’re gonna get that 50k.

*Arthur takes in Kenneth*

Gate operator: Hello, Red Panda Conservation Society, How may I help

you?

Arthur: Tell the boss I have a bounty hunter with me.

Gate operator: Scan your card and get in here quick!

(Arthur is walking kenneth through the hallways)

Thug: Hey Parker. Parker!

Arthur spins around: Uh yes?

Thug: (scrutinizing him) Parker, Fabien wants you too… hey, you look

a different

Arthur: (nervously) haha, me? Why would you say that?

Thug: (reaching into a back pocket) THAT’S what it is!

(Arthur tenses up)Thug: (pulls out a keycard) It’s the beard,it looks good on you

(handing him a keycard) here, this is for you, fabien said you needed

it updated

Arthur: oh uh, right. Thanks. (Takes keycard and continues walking

with kenneth)

*Arthur and Kenneth go into Fabian’s main control room*

Arthur: Here he is boss. Guy says his name his Kennley or something.

Virgil, slowly turning around: Well look who it is, the one they call

King Kennethf, the western hemisphere’s most widely known bounty

hunter. Well, not anymore.

Kenneth: Fabien. Nice to see you again

Fabien: Was that a..?

Kenneth: an eyepatch pun? What do you think?

Fabien: I see your insolence hasn’t changed one bit. I was gonna pay

you back for this a lot sooner, but after that atrocious pun, i wanna

speed things up a little. (picks up sharpened pencil and approaches

kenneth, waving it near his eye) By the way, where’s your little

helper, Arthur?

Arthur, chiming in: I believe one of our snipers took him out sir.

Virgil: Excellent. I always hated that self absorbed scoundrel. It’s

a pity he’s not here, i would’ve liked him to watch as i give us a

matching set of eyes (motions with pencil, pencil’s tip breaks) oh

you’ve gotta be kidding me. (Goes to sharpen it)

*awkward silence as he’s sharpening the pencil)

Fabien: there we go (pencil tip snaps again) good god. Nevermind. Now

i’ve lost the spirit. Maybe another time. (Puts pencil down)

Kenneth: You’ll pay for Arthur’s lifeVirgil: Oh will I? Boys, take him out back and finish him. Keep the

shirt, its a great souvenir.

*Kenneth silently unlocks his phony hand cuffs and prepares to grab

the extra pistol on Arthur’s pants*

Kenneth: You really don’t know what Arthur looks like, do you Fabian?

Virgil, confused: I’ve only seen him with those outlandish sunglasses

he wears. But I really couldn’t care less

*Virgil has a voice over while it shows a flashback of Arthur wearing

“The Sunglasses”*

*Kenneth and Arthur pull their weapons and shoot out the four

operators in the room with Fabian. Fabian pulls his weapon.*

Arthur: Put the weapon down you’re coming with us.

Virgil: Now, why would I do that?

*Arthur shoots the gun out of fabien’s hand)

Fabien: you make a compelling argument. Fine, let’s go

Scene 5: the car

Arthur: Gee Fabian, or should I call you Virgil, you’re such a stupid

criminal. What mob boss hangs out in a base guarded by to bozos with

guns that they don’t know how to use? And please explain the Red

Panda cover-up.

Kenneth: yeah, the whole red panda thing seems like too much effort.

You could’ve like, use pigeon smuggling as a cover up. I’m pretty

sure THAT’S legal

Fabien: Legal is a VERY relative term

Arthur: (Confused) it’s really not. Y’know, maybe while we have you

captured, we can teach you what relative meansFabien, annoyed: good lord, just because you claim you’ve caught me

doesn’t mean i have to listen to you talk, does it? i KNOW what

relative means

Arthur: Yeah? Give us an example of a term that’s relative

Fabien: how about captured?

*door opening noise*

*Arthur and Kenneth look back. The handcuffs are dangling from the

seat, fabian is gone.*

Kenneth: he got ya there

Arthur: oh shut up

Kenneth: he can’t have got far, unless he got into a car

Arthur: which he apparently did, i can’t see him anywhere. And i keep

telling you, you gotta have the child safety lock on so they can’t

open that door from the inside.

Kenneth: hey my bad, i keep forgetting. Might be due the fact that

neither of us have children to safety lock

Arthur: Like you could deal with kids anyways

Kenneth: Like you can AFFORD to have kids after spending 15 grand on

an artisanal ice cream machine.

Arthur: Don’t blame me, you like that ice cream just as much as i do.

Besides, it’s a nice hobby to get away from the stress of this job

Kenneth: just collect stamps or something, i dunno. Anything less

expensive than artisanal ice cream making

Arthur: oh sure, i just spend my day killing people and collecting

money from it then i go home at night to my sTaMp CoLLeCtiOn? It’s a

stressful job, i need some way to unwind. And i’d LIKE to make

artisan ice cream professionally instead of this bounty hunting

business. Maybe one dayKenneth: we can both unwind and talk about this once we catch fabien.

For now…. (his voice trails off and he looks out the window)

Arthur: those are definitely his thugs.

Kenneth: The red panda conservation hats clearly give them away

Arthur: they’re going into that restaurant, we’ll enter from the back

and catch them by surprise

Scene 5: The restaurant

(Henchman 1 and 2 are sitting at a table)

Henchman 1 (leans across table): are you sure this is it?

Henchman 2: it’s gotta be. Fabien told us to meet him here,

apparently they still haven’t secured the lair since those bounty

hunters got in.

Henchman 1: (puts down menu and sees arthur and kenneth watching them

from the kitchen window) hey wait a second

Henchman 2: what’s the matter?

Henchman 1: coulda sworn one of those chefs in the kitchen looked

like the bounty hunter we captured today

Henchman 2: you’re just stressed out, i’m pretty sure they killed him

Henchman 1: yeah maybe, i still wanna check it out before fabien gets

here though (gets up and walks to kitchen)

(In kitchen)

Arthur: great, he definitely saw us

Kenneth: what now?

Arthur: i dunno, i didn’t see fabien.

Kenneth: maybe he’s on his way hereArthur: maybe… by the way, where’s all the chefs?

Kenneth: no clue. They must be closed today, but fabien probably has

special ties to leave it open for him and his goons

Arthur: alright well if he comes here he’s gonna get a nasty surprise

(loads gun)

Kenneth: i’d hate to mess up this kitchen though

Arthur: you’re right, i’m digging the floor tiles

Henchman 1: (walking through kitchen door and pointing gun at

kenneth) hey wait a minute!

Kenneth leaps out of the way as henchman 1 shoots at him

Epic fight scene in kitchen, henchman 2 joins in halfway through

Kenneth and arthur win and have them prisoner and interrogate them

Arthur: alright listen up, we’re gonna make this very simple. Answer

our questions and we’ll let you go

Kenneth: eventually

Henchman 1: we’re not talking

Arthur: we’ll see about that. First question: where’s fabien?

Henchman 2: we don’t know

kenneth: (slaps him) i said where is he?

Henchman 2: i swear, he never told us

Henchman 1: he’s right, we knew he left the lair but that’s it

Arthur: fine, we’ve got more questions though. What’s he trying to do

with this whole conservation cover up?

Kenneth: yeah seriously, what’s up with the whole red panda thing?Henchman 1: That’s what i’m saying!

Henchman 2: (sighs) here we go again

Arthur: (slaps both of them) oh just answer the question

Henchman 1: about the red pandas?

Arthur: (clearly annoyed) no, about the- y’know what, kenneth, you

take care of this. I’m just gonna go make sure all the doors are

locked. We don’t want any interruptions(leaves room)

Kenneth: Alright, you boys better talk before i make this difficult

(Outside, a car arrives. Fabien gets out of the passenger seat and

puts gun in pocket)

Fabien: thanks doug, wait here and don’t leave no matter what. If you

do leave before me, you’re gonna have to watch your back from now on

Doug: yeah yeah i get it, i’m not going anywhere

(Fabien walks toward the restaurant)

Kenneth: What’s fabien trying to do?

Henchman 2: i said we’re not talking

Kenneth: look man, this doesn’t have to be this hard. I just wanna

catch him, collect the money, and go home. So what (slap) is he

(slap) trying (slap) to do? (Slap)

Henchman: alright alright i’ll tell you. He’s trying to smuggle drugs

in from china. The red panda conservation is a cover up to get them

out of china and into america.

Kenneth: hm. Interesting

(Cuts to arthur wandering around the restaurant checking the doors to

make sure they’re locked)

(As he locks a door, he hears a footstep)Arthur: kenneth?

(Another footstep)

Arthur: (pulls out gun) who’s there?

(Fabiens voice is heard but he’s not seen)

Fabien: well well well, this is the last place i expected to see you

(Arthur’s eyes widen and he leaps aside as fabien shoots at him)

(Cut to kenneth and henchmen)

Kenneth: where are the drugs going- (he is cut off by the sound of

gunshots)

Kenneth: great, what now. You boys know anything about this?

Henchman 2: i dunno, maybe it’s more of fabiens thugs. Serves you

right for trying to take him on.

Henchman 1: in a couple of minutes we’re gonna be free and then

you’re gonna have to watch your back

Kenneth: yeah yeah i’ve heard that a million times

(Arthur crashes into the door and falls into the kitchen followed by

fabien striding in)

(Kenneth shoots at fabien who dodges and runs into arthur who is

getting up)

(Arthur and fabien grapple, fabiens gun is knocked out of his hand)

Kenneth:(aiming gun) arthur move!

(Fabien takes arthurs gun and grabs him, pointing it to his head)

Fabien: put the gun down unless you want your buddy’s head back in

ten different pieces

(Kenneth grabs henchman 1 and points the gun to their head)Kenneth: you try that and you’ll get the same present

Arthur: what? Kenneth no! I want my head!

Henchman 1: yeah me too!

Kenneth: oh shut up you. Arthur trust me, he won’t do it

Fabien: (chuckles) it’s laughable how little you know me

(He shoots henchman 1 and 2 and tries to shoot arthur but arthur

breaks his grip and drops fabien with a punch)

(Fistfight between fabien, arthur, and kenneth)

(Fabien wins and picks up the gun)

Fabien: y’know, i would shoot both of you but you’ve been

entertaining (puts gun in pocket) so long boys, maybe we’ll meet

again

Arthur: (groans and tries to sit up)

Fabien: the cops are almost here, i’ll let them see the bodies

(points to henchmen) and then you, and they’ll piece together the

puzzle. Don’t look so sad, prison’s not as bad as it sounds (leaves)

Arthur: (gets up as fabien leaves and tries to get kenneth up) c’mon,

we’re not done with him yet (they rush out the back door with their

weapons

(Fabien is walking to the escape car and whistling. His phone rings

and he stops and answers.)

Fabien: no, keep the shipment coming, i’ll be there soon.

(He arrives at the car and opens the door. As he gets in and closes

the door we see kenneth emerge from behind the car)

Fabien: (in the car) alright doug, take me to- (sees doug dead in the

driver’s seat) doug?Arthur: (from the backseat) surprise surprise! (Shoots him in the

leg)

Fabien: aaaaghh!

(Kenneth opens the door)

Kenneth: c’mon, stop whining, we’re taking you in alive.

Arthur: we’ll let the cops decide what to do with you. And don’t

worry, prison’s not as bad as it sounds.

THE END