A No Fear Relationship

Stephanie calls back after checking the movie times and what is showing and says, “Okay, well, I think I picked the perfect movie for both of us but it just started, so the next one isn’t for two and a half hours and that would make for a late night. Want to just skip it?” Nothing else? “Not really” she says. No, let’s just go. I’ll take a nap before we go. I’m tired now. Is this lying getting to be a habit with Stephanie now I think to myself? What am I afraid of. We probably need to have a talk about my fear and hers. So, then our relationship will be built on no fear! Yes, good luck with that I think. It won’t hurt to give it a try. I want to be in a relationship that is built on honesty and truth. Yes, I know it is important for us to get there. I think she will agree.

We went to the movie and I really enjoyed it. I especially enjoyed the movie popcorn and there were some real Indians in the movie. So different than what I am used to with movies. I did take a short nap and I’m feeling much more refreshed than I expected. I thought we might get coffee afterwards and talk about some of the things I have been thinking about. I am guessing Stephanie probably has some of her own questions about our relationship and where it is going. I know we said we were taking it slow, but it appears we are either going out or staying with each other most nights. We will just play it by ear. If she doesn’t want to go there, then I will take her lead.

At coffee, I started with, on the surface I believe things are going well with us and even though we said we are taking it slow, we have been together most days or evenings. I thought we might get some things out in the open, like any fears of taking this to the next stage. I am interested in your thoughts about our relationship. I can say that I love that we both enjoy our recovery and riding motorcycle. We are getting along well and I absolutely like spending time with you. I am not sure what you mean by taking it slow?

“Okay, that’s fair as I really have not been clear and maybe I expected that you would read my mind. I have not had any long term relationships since my husband died. I am hoping I will be ready to go there this time. I’m not sure what next steps look like. I think we may have already moved into next steps because we are spending more and more time together as you said. I enjoy spending time with you too and I don’t want to think about spending my time with anyone else right now. I am comfortable and I too, like that we have recovery and motorcycles in common. Is that enough? I know there is more than that. We can laugh together, we appear to enjoy similar things. Family is important to both of us and we are not getting in the way of that for each other. I guess, I’m interested in knowing what you are thinking the next step would be?”

I guess I was thinking perhaps we have moved into the next step too. That is why I wanted to ask you and be upfront about what we are doing. I don’t want to push on you if you aren’t ready. I am interested in being exclusive with you. I’m not interested in dating anyone else and I don’t know if that is true for you or not. My fears are another thing. I am conscious of my heart being broken as with my ex-wife and the heartache that happened. That’s why as much as I would like to not have this conversation and just take it one day at a time, I also want honesty and truth to be a part of our relationship.

“I love that, and I want the same!” Steph added. I said, if it comes to the point where we decide to go our own ways, that happens, but I would like to know if that is a possibility at this point as my fear says, cut your loses and run now. I know if I can’t have you in my life for the long term, then I would just as soon know that now, before this gets any more serious for me. This may be asking too much but I wanted to throw it out there. In my first marriage, my alcoholism had a lot to do with what drove us apart. Then in recovery, she was done by then and didn’t want to do that with me. I told her, you’ll be back, all my bad habits and all, but no, she found someone else and it appears they get along well and he has been good to our children, so I have nothing negative to say about him.

“With the death of my husband, I was devastated and I wasn’t sure there could ever be anyone else. My drinking picked up when he died, I wanted to die too. I had to get help as I got involved with the legal system and I didn’t have a choice. Now I want to live and I really do love sobriety. I think it is different with a death. That person is perfect. You don’t see anything wrong with them. You believe that if they would have lived you would have lived happily ever after. That is never true but that is pretty much what I thought. I have had a number of years now to do my grief work and heal the best I can. I may always love my husband but I believe I can love another too. I have heard enough people talk about loving another. I believe them when I see them together with their partner especially. Recovery helps that.” Steph said.

Thank you for doing this with me. So, if I were to get you an engagement ring for Christmas that may not be too soon? “Yes, I think that would be okay, just as long as we don’t have to get married right away too,” Steph said. Okay, it is a deal. “And can we move on now?" Well, my place or yours? “I think since you are heading out early in the morning, then why not make it your place. I can stay for a while, sleep in and pick up before I head to the gallery.” Yes, that sounds good to me. And one last question, if it is okay? “Sure, what is it?” Do you want to pick out your ring? “Yes, I think I would like that!” Okay then, let’s start looking next weekend. As we drive back to my house, we are both quiet and I am so glad that I brought up the subject. I feel like I am now free to really enjoy our relationship, knowing that it is no longer just dating. When we get home and pull in the drive, I catch myself humming. And next thing I know we are both humming the same tune. I think this means we are happy with where we are at tonight and I say that and Steph reaches over and kisses me.

The next morning, when speaking with my youngest, Danny, he started our conversation with, “Everything is going pretty well at home. The kids are good, and Sally is great! I love that woman. Now work on the other hand is a drag. I was hoping to go back to school, maybe start out with one class to start with. I then told him that I would see what I could do to help. Then Danny added, “Dad, is it getting serious with you and Stephanie? Mom asked me the other day. She was telling me she had to get sober and things aren’t going smoothly with Aaron. He is still drinking and doesn’t want to get sober. I know she doesn’t want to interfere with you and Stephanie, but I think she wanted to talk to you. Probably about knowing now what you went through when she wasn’t ready to stop.” I sure didn’t expect that Danny. I think your mother knows she can talk to me if she needs to, but it is probably better for her to get a woman sponsor to help with this, I told him. Stephanie and I are talking ring shopping next weekend. We have no dates set or anything like that but we have moved on to the more than dating stage.

How are you feeling about all of this Danny? I am really sorry you have to experience this. I guess I am glad it didn’t happen while you guys were still in high school. And I am sorry your mom and I had to split. I blame me and my drinking. I did some running around and left the family without too much. I am sorry about how that affected you and your brother. Danny said, “Not necessary dad as we already heard this from you and I feel like you have made amends the best way you could.”

I hope we can get together for Christmas. Either before or after you go to your mom’s? I could come up too as I think Stephanie will be in Mexico over Christmas with Sara and her family. “Yes, let’s try to get together a couple times if we can. I would love that and it would be even better if we can arrange a time for Steven to be there too.” Right, let's figure this out.

As I am close to home after ending my work day, Stephanie calls and she wanted to see if I want to come over for dinner. I tell her I just pulled in and then I agree, park my bike and hop into my truck and head out. Dinner is ready when I arrive. It is Red Lake walleye, squash soup and wild rice. I am thrilled. One of my favorite meals ever. There is nothing better than Red Lake walleye. This is great I tell Stephanie and am so glad to have her to in my life. She said, she got done with the gallery early today. The show is already to go and she is pleased with how her display turned out. She will have some pieces for sale in a separate room that she has put together. She staged those today.

As we eat I tell her about Theresa and Aaron, and my conversation with Danny. Stephanie suggests, “Danny may be eligible for support from the tribe or a scholarship.” I told her how he said, it would probably be loans as he is planning one class to start. He wants to make sure it is really what area he is interested in and he thought he could get that by starting out slow. I had to agree as it felt like this came out of left field to me, even though he said it was an interest for some time.

When we finish our meal, Stephanie brings out some bread pudding. Another favorite of mine. Okay, does she want something. What a way to think. I decide I will just be quiet and see what comes out. Then maybe I will share how my mind works sometimes and we will laugh. After being quiet for awhile Stephanie asks, “Is there anything wrong?” I quickly say just tired, it was a long day. Probably an early night in my future. There was a big pause then.

Stephanie says, “I spoke with Sara again today and she would like it if I could come to Mexico for a few months as she is due in May. They are having a baby and she would like me there if I can make it.” That sounds more like five months? I could tell my voice was raised but I couldn’t help it. She could tell I wasn’t happy with her news. “I am not in a position to go for 5 or 6 months time. I told her our good news too and wanted her to understand we have made a commitment to each other. Sara asked if you might live and work from Mexico.” No, not my job. I hope to retire from this position in a few years and then maybe I could do something like that. “I was thinking I might make a shorter trip over the holidays and then we could save up to go when the baby is due. Is that something you could do? We really don’t have to make any decision now do we?”

Okay, that sounds better. I guess the dinner and desert were to butter me up after all. Well, at least I know. I thought we were all settled into a long term relationship and then what, she leaves for an extended stay. Damn!! I tell Steph, that we probably should sleep on it. She can decide what she really wants to do and I can decide what I can do. Okay, well, it just isn’t turning out how I thought it would. Picking out rings next weekend, may have to be postponed until we know the direction this thing is going in.

Just when I was feeling secure in our commitment to each other and this happens. This I will for sure have to take slow. I already in my mind had us broken up and me slamming out of the door. She did sound open to other options. I didn’t hear her say, of course I have to go, or anything like that! I also didn’t hear her say she wasn’t going. That is what I wanted to hear. She probably does want to go. To be with her baby. She said how much she regretted not being there for the first grandbaby. It is unreasonable to expect that I could drop everything and go for 5 or 6 months though.

Okay, I really do need to get to sleep. I’m glad I came home to sleep. As I lay there thinking about my last couple days, I realize that I may have been getting signs that my relationship with Stephanie is not going to work out. And even if it does, I may certainly be spending time alone in the near future. I don’t like this but if she decides to go for six months, then I will have to decide then what I will do. I would like to be okay with putting it into creators hands. I’m just not there yet. So maybe I will act as if I believe what ever happens will be in my best interest and leave it at that and try to get some sleep.

I awake in the morning after tossing and turning, not at all having a good night’s rest. My plan is to go into work and try to touch base with the boss lady, but first of all, maybe I will call her and see if she is planning to be at work today. There are things I can get done here too. I start going down the road of how this relationship is not going to work! Then I think, okay, maybe not but enough of that for now. Time to get to work.

The boss is in her office and I am heading there now. I decided I would ride my motorcycle as much as possible now and if it is cold, I will dress for the weather. If I think I can ride all winter long, I better start now to see about handling the cold. It may save me a few dollars right now too. Between sending my son occasional support for expenses, and trying to decide if I can go to Mexico in May, or sooner, I better watch my spending. I am going to talk with the boss about working from Mexico. That wasn’t the plan until last night, but at least I can know if it is an option or not. I know others have worked from other places in the states. I just haven’t heard of anyone working from another country.

Danny calls me when I am at work to tell me that he has spoken with Steven. “Steven has news and wants you to call him.” Danny says. “He may not be able to get together twice because of his news but he did throw out some dates that he thought would work. How does Christmas Eve look for you. We would make it an early evening so that we would head to mom’s from there to be at her house on Christmas Day. What do you think? We are thinking of maybe taking the full day and even coming down on the 23rd.” That would be great. I suppose I should get on the phone and give Steven a call. Do you know if he is available now? “Yes, he said he will wait for your call!” said Danny. Okay, then I will talk to you soon.

I call Steven and say, Danny asked me to give you a call. He said you have some news to tell me. What is it? Steven then said, “Oh dad, it’s nothing to worry about! It is good news and I hope you will think so. I am taking a position as a steward, flying for Delta. I wanted to let you know as soon as I accepted as one of the benefits of being a steward is my parents get to fly for free. I thought that would be one of the best Christmas presents I could give you with Stephanie leaving for Mexico to see Sara and her family. Yes, I know, Sara is on Facebook and we are friends. She just announced the new baby today.”

Steven then said, “What do you think about my news?” I think it is great! Not because of the free flying either! You have always been so interested in airplanes and flying. I can see you doing this. Do you have to go to school now or what? “Yes, they have a school for so many weeks, then a job shadowing for a week and then I am on my own if all of that goes well. By the way, they have a direct flight to Mexico!” How soon does that benefit kick in I ask with some excitement. It may just solve one of my concerns if this all works out for Steven. The more I think of him as a steward, the more I think it just might work. He sounds so excited. Good talking to you Steven. Can we talk soon. I have to get off the phone and get to a meeting. And I want you to know that I think you will be great as a steward for Delta!

I am quick to go to the boss’s office when I get off the phone. She is meeting with someone. I can see her in her office with the door closed. I approach the door hesitantly and she motions me in. She says, “Come in and have a chair. This is a new employee and I would like you two to meet. He is a new team member. Some of the money we were using for other things just did not make much sense when we are stuck in our office or at home all of the time. He has a two year contract. I am so pleased to introduce you to Don. Why don’t you two get acquainted while I grab a cup of coffee. Can I get someone else something? I just haven’t taken a break yet today.” I am fine and Don said, "Nothing for me thanks."

When she came back in her office we had gotten all of the important stuff out of the way. I thought he very well could be being groomed for her position. That was okay with me as I really did decide I wasn’t interested. We didn’t talk about that, but it occurred to me as we were talking that he had boss qualities and experience too. Just as we settled in, Don said he was on his way to HR to do some more paperwork. We said our goodbyes and closed the door after Don left. I told Emily that work was going well. I am current with all of my grantees and my newsletter went out last week. I have just finished reading my last quarterly report on Friday. Everyone is doing well, even with the pandemic. They have figured out how to operate their programs in creative and interesting ways. I told her I was working on a report so she could see what I was talking about.

Then I settled back and told her I had something to ask her. I said it was something that I haven’t heard of before. My plan is not to leave my position but rather to retire from it in a few years. Then she said, “Okay, what is it?” I told her that I am planning to get engaged and my fiancée's daughter is living in Mexico with the father of her child. He is from there and was deported recently. My fiancée wants to be with her daughter at the holidays and when her grandbaby is born in May. I wondered if there was some way that I can work some of the time when I am there rather than taking vacation. First of all, I would like to hold on to my vacation if I can and second of all, I wouldn’t be there for as long as she will be but I would like to go for longer than a week or two.

“Since we have Don onboard that really helps. I am hoping he will be willing to do much of the field work for awhile yet. I am not sure that what you are asking is being done by anyone in the state system. Borders closed, and threatening to close, I’m just not sure and do not know who to even ask right now. But I will get back to you just as soon as I know. How soon do you need the okay?” We are going for engagement rings next weekend. I would like to know then if that is possible. I was hoping to marry sometime in the new year. With her only daughter due to have a baby in May, she will want to spend more time there than just the Christmas holiday. I have no plans to go over Christmas, but some time into the new year before her baby arrives would be nice if at all possible. And I could wait until it is close to delivery if that helps.

When we finished up our conversation, I realized that if at all possible, I would be able to work from Mexico. Things are really coming together. And to think, I thought it was all over. The engagement ring is now back in the picture. I found an old adage of three months salary, the average dollar amount of $5,000. and a $1,000 to $10,000 dollar amount you can expect to see when shopping for a ring.

This relationship thing just may work out after all! I am not feeling fear right now, even though, I have no idea what the future will bring. It makes a difference to talk about what is going on with me and allow her and even my adult children and hers to do the same.