3 a.m.

3 am, the hour of my haunting. Blue digital numbers mock me from the smart clock on the nightstand sitting beside her side of the bed. Images of her soft, pouty lips when she told me I don't care if I'm breaking your heart, replay on repeat in my mind. The pain of seeing her leaving another man's bed in my nightmares cloud my vision with a late-night, early-morning horror show.

Sweat glistens cool against my skin in the air-conditioned room we share. Anxiety from the fear that comes with every one of the bad dreams where I lose her again and again, night after night, ravages my restless body. Shallow breaths heave from my chest. I look at the clock again. Why is it always 3, why not some other time? Is my internal clock stuck on some kind of fucked up schedule that says every night at the count of three, you're going to wake up convinced your wife is fucking every man she meets?

I shake my head with how wrong, I know I am. My wife, the woman I've pledged to love, to spend the rest of my life with, is perfect. Putting aside the fact that she's the girl from every one of the romance novels she reads who doesn't know how absolutely stunning she is, she treats me better than I could ever deserve. I know how lucky I am. I know she only wants me. I know that. She isn't cheating. But still, the paranoia that always stays with me after each one of the endless numbers of nightmares that come for me, won't stop tickling at the back of my mind, whispering all the ways she could be slipping off for an affair.

I know it isn't her that's made me this way. It's the woman who stole my heart before her. It's the ignorance I lived in. It's the everything I gave, the love, the all of me I offered my ex before she went and did all the things that have left my heart covered in scars.

Getting up, I go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. Bringing my hands to my temples I let the drops trickle down my skin as I Look into the sea of unknown possibilities dancing in my green eyes. Standing in front of the mirror, questioning who I've become, I come to a decision. I'll be honest. I'll tell her how I feel. If she knows how badly I'm struggling with my trust issues. She'll be able to help me, and we'll get through them together, the way we've gotten through everything else.

3 am, the hour of my ruin, greets me again as my eyes shoot open. The images of her arms wrapped around another man still play on a wicked loop in my mind. Even the memory of her sweet words when she tried to reassure me, I would never cheat on you. You're the only one I ever think about aren't enough to push the echoes of the nightmare away.

Glancing at her side of the bed, I remember how perfect and understanding she was when we talked about my problems. I remember the caring, the concern I saw swimming in her pretty blue eyes. I remember getting lost in the sunbursts of green that dance at the edges of the blue in them. I remember how ruined she looked when I explained how crazy, I've become.

"I don't think you're cheating. I know you wouldn't, but you know I have trust issues. Everyone in my life who was supposed to love me has hurt me. You know, because of my ex and my childhood, I'm constantly waiting for the worst to happen. That's why I have to ask the questions I do. If you're staying late at work to see someone else, if you're texting another man. I don't think you are. I know you never would. It's just that if I can hear you say no it helps me to stop the thoughts, so I don't have to think them anymore."

I don't deserve her. I don't deserve the way she slipped her hands around my neck and pressed her lips against mine in the softest, sweetest kiss before she moved to brush her cheek against mine and whisper next to my ear. I love you more than anything.

3 am. Alarm bells ring with its arrival. Sweat rolls down the sides of my face. The anxiety that comes after each one of the dreams is worse than it's ever been before because tonight's nightmare wasn't imagined. It was filled with her words from earlier that afternoon. I won't live like this. This is how my ex started. I shake my head and look down at my hands resting on the blanket pooling at my hips. Clenching the muscles in my jaw, I give into the wave of hate I have for being this weak. Why can't I get over this? Why can't I make my brain stop coming up with scenarios where she finds someone else's bed?

Looking at the perfect curve of her hips. Letting myself find a reprieve in the warm feeling of her body next to mine, my mind drifts to a new thought. If I have sex with her, if we make love, not just love, if I rock her world, if I give her the best orgasms, then she would never think of wanting someone else, and I wouldn't have to worry anymore. Leaning over, relieved with the brilliance of my plan, I trail my hand along her arm before placing one kiss after another on the naked skin of her neck as I work my way up to the line of her jaw. A soft moan that makes my mind go to all types of naughty places escapes her lips as she wakes and turns her beautiful face to mine. Then I find her mouth with my own and press hard against her. A shiver of heaven runs through my body, as I stiffen, and she slides underneath me.

3 am, my fingers make rough passes through my hair. Weeks have passed, and the sex, the amazing sex, hasn't worked. We've explored our bodies more than I ever thought could be possible. I've never experienced the level of lovemaking, the level of fucking we've achieved. She is completely satisfied. I can see it in her blue eyes, which are the same color as the sky reflected off clear ocean waters, every time she looks at me. I can feel her love radiating from the smile she can't stop giving me. Even now, distressed from another terrible dream, I can't help feeling my heart warm with the memory of the smile that shines brighter than sunlight, I've kept on her lips.

It's time I was honest with myself. I can't fix this on my own. I need help. I need to call 911 and tell them to send everything because I need rescuing. My wife, my girl, my everything is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can't afford to mess this up. I can't lose my happy ending, my chance at fairytale love.

3 am, and counselors are full of shit. The nightmares still come every night. I've talked for weeks, talked till I was blue in the face. Glancing over, lingering on the peaceful look on her gorgeous face, icy shivers of fear run down my spine. Because all I can see are the tears, she cried when I gave in and asked all the questions I've been keeping locked inside.

"Why are you staying late at work? Why are you friends with this guy? Why did you comment on his status? Are you hoping he will leave his girlfriend? Have you already started something? Why is your phone constantly going off with notifications?"

The anguish she wore, the pain I saw dancing in her eyes when she said, what do you think I'm some kind of slut that just goes out and fucks everything she sees. Is burning a hole through the center of my heart. This is it. I know in every fiber of my soul this is the moment that will break us if I don't reverse course. We've reached the tipping point. I will either stop and be the husband she loves spending her time with, or I will destroy us.

The weight of knowing I'm on the precipice of ruining the best thing I've ever had weighs heavy on me. The thoughts that keep coming, push me from the bed. Walking through the rooms of our house, I can't hear the quiet around me above all the noise in my head. In the dark, I find the couch in the living room. Sitting down, I Rest my head in my hands and think about what the counselor said. Trust is always a risk. Anyone can betray you at any time. I remember the way they put their pen down and looked up to meet my eyes before they said. Trust is a choice. Trust is not knowing if someone will let you down, but having faith that they won't. Micheal, you can't control what Alice does. If she is going to cheat on you, it's going to happen no matter what you do. You have to accept that possibility. You have to admit to yourself that your love for her is always going to be a risk. Just like her love for you is also a risk. She believes in you. That's why she isn't here questioning your fidelity. Don't you think she deserves for you to have that same kind of belief in her.

Her hand on my shoulder rests me from my thoughts. I turn to look up at her, and I can see she knows what I've been thinking in the worry written across her face. What are you doing? she asks. "I couldn't sleep," I say as her eyes search mine. Holding out her hand, she tells me to come to bed.

We walk back down the hallway, her leading, and my eyes go to her hotter than anything ass because even when my head doesn't know up from down, I can't stop wanting her. She squeezes my hand as we walk, and the feel of her skin against mine helps to settle my frantic heart. When we slip back under the sheets in our bed, she lays her head on my chest and looks up at me before she says, I love you. I know her words are because she knows I'm worried. I lean down to place a kiss on the top of her hair and breathe in the smell of her shampoo, a mix of fresh flowers and citrus. Then I give those three words back to her. Sliding my hand up her back, I pull her closer. It's at that moment, with the feel of her pressed against me, I know, I can do it. I can be the man I'm supposed to be. I can trust her. I can push the thoughts away.

3 am, my eyes open. I don't know why I still do this. Maybe the nightmares have put my body on a permanent wake cycle. I'm not awake because of a bad dream where she tears my heart apart. As much as I hate to admit it, the counselor helped. That and the realization that came with the last time I watched her tears make wet trails down her cheeks, the last time I watched the hurt I gave her swim through her eyes, that I was going to lose her has given me the push I needed to move past my issues. I still have worried thoughts sometimes, but thankfully less and less often all the time. I still get jealous, I'm human. But now, when I get scared because that's what it really is, the fear of losing her, I take a deep breath and remember she loves me. It's funny, but accepting that I can't control everything has given me the freedom to just be in love with this girl, who is absolutely it for me.

Rolling over, I place a quick kiss on her cheek and slide my arm around her waist to pull her closer. A warm fire lights around my heart and burns inside my chest when she slides her fingers into mine and moves our hands up against her chest. I whisper I love you and get lost in the sound of the mmm hmm she keeps locked in her throat. My eyes close and I listen to the sound of her breathing before I fall asleep with her body fitted perfectly against mine.