The Super Bowl vs Weight Watchers

I watch football. Whether I'm doing it as a genuine interest or for the opportunity to hang out with a bunch of men is unclear. However, I can honestly declare I love beer, wings and that passion a human being has for their favourite sports team. (Yes, I will be speaking Canadian in this piece. I won't bring up the CFL though. Not just because it's Super Bowl Sunday, but also because I don't really know anything about the CFL.)

This year, I'll be watching the game alone, probably on my phone like it’s some sort of YouTube video. But it’s not the big screens I’ll be missing.

I’ll spend the day fantasizing about the spreads of Super Bowl parties past. And when I say "spreads," I mean food, not gambling. I have a theory I eat more on this given Sunday than I do on Thanksgiving. At least holidays are more "sit-down meals." Super Bowl Sunday is full day of grazing. I continually nibble and try everything on the table. At a certain part of the evening you start to wonder:

"How long can a chicken wing be out without heat or refrigeration before it gives you food poisoning?"

But another part of you just wonders,

"How many wings have I already had?"

I don't even factor in all the chips I casually inhale as I chat with people who legitimately know what's happening in the game. I'm clearly just here for the food. Sure, I know who Tom Brady is, but I don't bring that up to the guy in the Mahomes jersey.

It’s cute when I see a veggie tray set out on a table. You wanna politely tell the host,

“Hey, we’re not playing the game. We’re just watching it.”

But you don’t mock them, since they probably feel guilty for serving so much heart attack inducing food. Plus we can use the Ranch dressing for the wings. (And pizza in my case.)

As the points in the game go up, so do mine. I usually end up out scoring both teams.

There will be one Super Bowl snack that will be truly missed this year. It’s one I credit my friend Kathleen in Edmonton for. It's literally the most deluxe dish I've ever tasted that I have yet to find on any restaurant menu.

It was a chicken wing DIP. She took all the accoutrements that you’d have with wings: chicken thighs/legs (de-boned, you’re welcome) Ranch dressing, Buffalo Hot Sauce, chopped celery and tossed it all in a bowl. AND it was heated! Who doesn’t love a HOT dip, especially with so many parts of the country forced to do outdoor dining during these core winter months. Kathleen served it with a side of tortilla chips for scooping. She really gave nachos a run for their money.

We couldn’t seem to find it on the Weight Watchers chart, so it was like it didn’t even exist. Like my teachers used to say, “When in doubt, leave it out.” I think they were talking about commas, but I prefer implement that advice into my calorie counting. In general, I’m way more lenient with how much I eat when it’s home made. You worked hard to make this for me, and I will NOT let it go to waste.

That veggie tray though…

Nobody likes raw cauliflower.

Talk to the vegans to learn how to turn them into chicken tenders or whatever.

This Super Bowl, I will be in New York and Kathleen in the mother land, so no dip for me. She’ll probably post in on Instagram and I’ll be drooling. (I should learn how to cook as opposed to just showing up at parties for the food.)

This won’t be the first Super Bowl where I miss out. In 2004, I was in the bathroom when I heard everyone at the party freak out. While I was peeing, Justin accidentally exposed Janet’s boob. And I didn’t see it, because that was just way the trajectory of the bathroom lineup worked out that day.

Kathleen, I will miss your dip the way I missed that boob.

I’ll still have beer and wings though. I’ll trek down to my local fave The Northern Bell in Williamsburg to grab some 18th Ward IPAs and their perfectly smoked wings, with a side of reaper sauce. (I need spice in my life. It’s who I am.)

Support small businesses. We’d like to be able to sit in their bars for next year’s game.