Feast logo

No One Goes to Ireland For the Food

Tales of the Taste of my Homeland

By Raistlin AllenPublished 3 years ago 13 min read
7
photo courtesy of my stepmother, because I'm dumb and lost almost all my photos 😳

When I saw this challenge I was initially offended.

I don’t have the money to travel all over, and I don’t have relatives who taught me amazing dishes from their home countries. Even if I did, I don’t cook, and I’ve only been out of the Americas twice, to the same place. That place being Ireland, the land of my father’s roots.

Both trips were unforgettable, and I enjoyed them immensely, but I am faced with one glaring issue: no one visits Ireland for the food. This was explicitly told to me by a number of my relatives who’d already been. But what the hell. You have to eat wherever you go, and it turns out a lot of memories hinge around food, no matter the quality. So here’s a run-through of some of the foods I had for the first time in Ireland, complete with nonsensical ratings. Consider it the travel guide you never asked for.

Enter the Contestants:

  • First up are the meat-filled breakfast pastries I had on the way from the airport to the first hotel we stayed at in Dublin. I actually remember them being delicious but have no memory from where they were bought so it’s no help to anyone. They had puff pastry outsides and meat and gravy on the inside. I ate them in a delirious haze, while in the back seat of our rented car. My dad maintains that he had no company for this trip, due to both my brother and I passing out, but I maintain I was awake- my eyes just kept shutting. I’d hear his voice, realize everything was black behind my eyelids, and WHOA, open them just long enough to see a sheep roll by. Rating: 12/delusional
  • Turkish Delight. I’m not going to beat around the bush. This was a real moment for me, considering the books by C.S. Lewis were some of the first fantasy I ever had read to me as a child. Of course my first thought was going to be: this has got to be GOOD. I mean, Edmund betrays his whole family for those tasty little bitches. I was jet-lagged and walking a packed Dublin street when I sampled this particular delicacy. And let me tell you right now, it was disgusting. A chocolate-coated chewy thing that was supposed to contain fruit I guess but just tasted like it had a large, bad raisin in its center.
(the wrapper made it to my journal at the time- I guess that's how bad it was)

Rating: 0/10, Edmund was a little bitch and probably would’ve sold his family for an age-old cheeto he found under the couch.

  • Tayto crisps & Mars bar: A Mars Bar is literally the UK version of a Milky Way bar. Case closed. Tayto chips are regular potato chips, only better because they have this vaguely creepy (but clearly trying to make an effort to be disarming) potato guy on the front.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Rating: 8/predictable.

  • swiss rolls (2 varieties) and green apple soda (convenience store): this stuff is memorable for two reasons: 1, full-size bakery swiss rolls aren’t common in gas stations, at least where I’m from in the states, and green apple soda is almost impossible to come by. The second reason is because my brother - 15 at the time- was so excited by the presence of these delicacies that he got threatened when my dad announced that the swiss roll he picked out was not his alone and proceeded to eat so much of it he threw up. Then pounded down the green apple soda and threw up again. This was after my father had pointed a finger at him and said menacingly, “IF YOU THROW UP…” so when I found out what had happened the next day I was sworn to secrecy. Rating: good family memories/10.
  • Butler’s Chocolates: These are the crowning glory of Irish candy. These little rectangular bars of magic are thickly encased in chocolate and feature different fillings. My favorite was the irish creme filled.
from the Butler's website itself

Rating: 10/10, a solid investment. We kept getting these shipped to us overseas after returning home.

I bet right now you’re starting to think, “Whoa there, Raist! Did you eat anything but packaged junk food in Ireland?” To which I will say, “of COURSE not, thank you very much. It was only about 50% what I ate.”

  • Which brings us to potatoes, the other 50 percent of what I ate. Potatoes potatoes, oh my god so many potatoes- and so GOOD.

The fries absolutely everywhere were alarmingly fresh (no packaged stuff here) and very thick and potatoey. Salt & vinegar on, ketchup- gtfo, no one knows you here. Rating: 30/10, I still dream of these at night.

By Louis Hansel on Unsplash
  • “Rare” steak (spoiler: it was not, in fact, rare) If you ever want to feel especially impotent, try ordering meat in any form except well done at any Irish restaurant. “I would like medium-rare” my dumb ass declared on my second trip across the water as we sat down to dine one night. My Dad leaned across the table and clarified, “Bloody.” “Bloody?” the waitress exclaimed in shock. “No,” I said, “Not bloody. Just medium-rare”. “Make it very rare,” my dad said. “Bloody.” At which point I started to think he had developed some sort of beef with me over the past few days (get it, beef, AHA). But when the ‘rare, bloody’ steak was brought back to our table, I understood. “Is that good?” the waitress asked, eager to please, as I cut into my steak. To say there was any amount of pink in the center would be more than generous; it would be a lie. “Uh…” I said, not wanting to cause a problem. “I was expecting more…rare.” “MORE RARE?” the waitress asked, like she could not believe what she was hearing. “This is good actually,” I said quickly, resigned to my fate.

The above is not the fault of this particular waitress or pub, but my fault for not understanding Irish culture, on my second visit no less. Apparently, there is no such thing as meat that is not overcooked. I’d had my share of cooked-to-death corned beef and cabbage, but for some reason I’d assumed steak would be sacred. It is not. Rating: what were you expecting/10

Joyous family photo, courtesy of one of my parents
  • Black pudding. I don’t want to lead anyone to believe there isn’t some really good meat in Ireland. Black pudding is otherwise known as blood pudding because it’s made from... well, take a guess… . Let’s move on from that though, shall we? Because the truth is that this stuff is amazing. Sausage-shaped, salty and a little spicy, it actually contains rolled oats as one of its more non-offensive ingredients. The flavor gels in a heavenly way with a hearty egg breakfast. In fact, before I had the delicious combination of black pudding and eggs over easy, I do not believe I ever truly lived.

Rating: seriously, just try it/you coward.

  • “Irish breakfast”- This includes not only eggs and black pudding, but thick cut bacon rashers, fried tomatoes, baked beans, sausage and boxty, a dense potatoey bread cut into thin squares. Finally, Guinness. Fun fact: there is literally no time of day it is not acceptable to drink here. Rating: 10/10.
  • Speaking of Guinness, it goes without saying that I drank staggering amounts of beer both times I visited Ireland. Guinness has always been my favorite beer and it tastes 500 x better in its homeland, where the tap was always incredibly fresh, the foaming head on each pint irresistibly silky. I got to go to the Guinness Factory, where you get to tour each step of how the beer is made before you get to the top of the building where there is a bar where you get a free pint and an incredible view out of the windows on all sides of the city below. Rating, 11/10, highly recommended.
By Erik Jacobson on Unsplash
  • Irish coffee. Coffee made with whiskey, sugar and cream, the latter of which is beautifully foamed up on top. Warning: If you ask for coffee, this is what you get. Don’t get me wrong, it is delicious, but it all goes back to the dilemma of ordering a drink in Ireland that doesn’t contain alcohol. I remember one night this older guy named Jerry had taken it upon himself to be our host at the pub we were hanging at. ‘Host’ meant constantly refilling everyone’s drinks, though whether this was on him I’m still not entirely sure. I’d had a few pints of Guinness and he asked me if I wanted another. I said no thank you, I’ll just have a coffee. I should have been more explicit, because what I got back was an Irish coffee- and another Guinness.
By Max Nayman on Unsplash

Rating: I ordered this once and got it five times/creamy and delicious, all the same.

(Note, re: Jerry: We all loved this guy, but I don’t think I ever saw him once without a beer in one hand and a shot of Jameson in the other. My father claims he did once, at morning mass, and it wasn’t pretty.)

Superlatives:

  • Most soulful: Buttered brown bread. Butter from Ireland is superior to all other butter. Brown bread is delicious, hearty stuff, particularly with said butter on top. This simple fare really made the illusion of being an important character in a fantasy novel more real when we took it on a never-ending hike through the mountains with only the sheep and their endless poop to keep us company. We had two hiking options, and I was voted out- everyone else decided it was a good idea to take “the long trail.” Guess what about the long trail? It’s LONG. Guess what about my stamina? It’s not what it could be. I proceeded to assume an every-man-for-himself attitude, and am proud to say I made it through this wicked test with these staples, wrapped up in a cloth towel, to sustain me. It rained a few times on our journey. Very fantasy. Much heroic.
We didn't know what we were in for
  • Most elaborate: Medieval feast at Bunratty Castle. This was a really fun reenactment type experience so I’m adding it in. I don’t remember what I ate here, though I’m guessing a gigantic drumstick was involved. I was more focused on the fact that I was living out my dream of being a very important character in a high fantasy novel. There were multiple courses, and I even got to quaff some mead while I listened to someone play the harp. Rating: Minstrels!/Best Touristy Event

(CASTLE PIC)

  • Most unnerving: a tray of peanuts given to me by Theresa, the woman hosting our family reunion in ___, whilst she tried to convince us there was no ghost in our bungalow and we shouldn’t wake our parents. Backstory: One of our things was missing and we wanted to see if our parents had it. The ghost was a joke for us until Theresa, after serving us the peanuts, continued to stand around and ask my stepbrother what he was looking up on his laptop. ‘oh, just the history of this place,’ he replied. To which she said, ‘OH, there’s nothing to see there, I don’t know why you’d be looking that up.’ And then continued to stand around watching us until we decided to leave.

Rating: I was afraid to actually eat the peanuts, but my stepbrother did and he was fine. Also: we found the item we were missing in our bungalow. I was just too short to see it on top of our wardrobe.

  • Most unexpected: Oddly good ravioli at Holywell Italian Restaurant. This was a restaurant very close to where we stayed in Kilfonouro the first time around. It was the only place for miles we could get pasta, and it was actually really good. Rating: anomaly/the smallest little Italy
  • Honorable mention: Weetabix (top of refrigerator at our rented tower, age: timeless). I don’t know. Apparently this is a well-known UK cereal, though I didn’t personally try it. What I did try was saying the name five times fast, over and over again and laughing at my own stupidity. Rating: pointless to include/but I’m doing it anyway.

In summation: Don’t get the steak, anything that involves potatoes is amazing and therefore put potatoes on your meat every single meal because if you’re not eating potatoes or meat then you’re probably starving (Shephard’s pie is honestly the best route to take anywhere.) Try black pudding and eggs at least once. Be very specific when you ask for non-alcoholic drinks. Be nice about it when you get them anyway.

The real reason to visit Ireland:

it is BEAUTIFUL. The cliffs of Mohr are just something you need to see in person. There are numerous centuries-old ruins of castle-like buildings and grave sites and no it doesn’t ever get old. There is an incredible amount of sheep which are adorable even though they poop everywhere and nothing smells better than a wool sweater you got in Ireland, no that is not my imagination. (plug: Doolin) Also there’s probably nowhere else you can get the exhilarating rush of trying to drive on the left side of a road that’s only one car wide anyway and surrounded by rock walls (I still haven’t figured out what we were supposed to do if we came across another car coming the opposite way. Die, I guess.)

By Vincent Guth on Unsplash

Most importantly, there’s a certain sense of peace in the Irish countryside that you just can’t get anywhere in the States. For once I realized that yes, America needs to chill the fuck out. It wasn’t quite like time stopped, but more like I was able to feel the normal pace of things, the pulse of the natural world and enjoy being around people who don’t appear to be worrying about where what they’ll be doing twenty actions from now and is it Enough. I could hear my own thoughts.

By Nick Kane on Unsplash

Ireland for me was also a place of firsts. I smoked my first cigar at my first speakeasy and got to hold a real-life owl as well as a falcon. I learned to identify the smell of peat, especially when it almost burnt down the first place we stayed because the landlord made us a nice fire and forgot to open the flue. I learned to never take for granted the presence of paper products or the beauty of trees. I learned that, as much as it pains me to say it, there might actually be such a thing as too much rain. I got to see a house that belonged to my great-grandfather and meet people related to me whose names I promptly forgot and luckily will probably never have to remember. Some songs I heard for the first time while in Ireland, in no particular order are: Dancing Queen by Abba, The Saints Are Coming by U2, When You were Young by the Killers, America by Razorlight , and Take Me to Church by Hozier.

Ireland is not the first place many tourists want to go, especially to eat. I would likely have been far better served with culinary amazements if we’d gone to the origin of my mother’s side of the family (Italy). But I’m not much of a traveler and I will chose a small, homey space over a large, polished one. I will choose good, filling comfort food over a *chef’s kiss* state-of-the-art meal. I may not have gone to Ireland for the food, but it carried the taste of something much rarer. There’s so much soul in that land, and I felt proud to think that even a fraction of it runs in my blood.

My falcon and me, off to the hunt

{thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this story, consider dropping me a heart down below : ) . Tips are appreciated but absolutely not necessary! Until next time xx Raist}

travel
7

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.