Call me a pescatarian again!

Went to the doctor and guess what she told me, guess what she told me… She said, “boy you are a fucking…”

With apologies to the blessed memory of Prince

It was, otherwise, a fairly routine consultation, at the group clinical practice I have attended for the past 30 years. I was concerned about some recurring stomach pains, that were not the usual sort of gastric complaint, that I was familiar with (and perfectly capable of self-managing).

This monologue reappraises an article I published a while back. Older comments relate to the original text.

The consultation went as expected. Not surprisingly, the doctor (not my regular GP: General Practitioner but a 'locum,' or temporary GP), asked about my diet. A perfectly reasonable question, given the complaint. I proceeded to outline my fairly balanced eating habits, stating that I did not eat meat (relevant to various alimentary ailments) but ate fish, maybe two or three times a week. Like I said, a balanced diet.

"Ah, so you are a fucking pescatarian!"

Is what she said. No, of course, she didn't really use the "F" word, that is just what it feels like, to me, when someone uses the "P" word. Am I being too sensitive? Have I got an oil-fried potato chip on my shoulder?

My temporary clinical advisor was not intending to be in the least bit offensive, of course, when she spoke to me in all innocence, but why use the "P" word? What could it possibly add to the conversation? I had provided her with information about my diet, she probably should have asked for more detail but, having fitted me into a convenient slot, a box, applied a suitable label, she wasn't interested. She just wrote me up for some tests to save further bother. I may ask for a second-opinion, as I know my regular GP would have asked about things like whether I ate eggs (high in cholesterol, she says) and whether I include tomatoes, salad stuff, olive oil and other 'Mediterranean foods' in my diet.

So, you think 'pescatarian' is a suitable way of describing a sort-of vegetarian who eats fish instead of meat? So what do you call someone who is a sort of carnivore who eats fish when they are not eating meat? Well, you don't need to label them at all, do you, they are just normal, aren't they? You go to a restaurant or hotel as someone who enjoys eating meat, you are not expected to provide an account of your 'dietary requirements.' are you? Because the assumption is, that you are not picky and will eat whatever the restaurant serves up.

Restaurants have always (since 1983) been problematic places for me. When I first stopped eating meat in the early 80s, it was so hard to get something to eat when I was out for a meal, that I started to eat fish again. To me, fish is still a standard when I am eating out because the "vegetarian option" is often some disgusting cheesy slop or random mix of fruit and veg with nondescript sauce. And whoever it was that thought up the concept of a "cauliflower burger" will be the first against the wall, come the vegetarian revolution.

I went to a restaurant the other day, and was asked about allergies, then made the mistake of saying, no allergies, but please let me know if any of the dishes I order have meat products in. I haven't had to say this for a long time, as most restaurants now flag up dishes that are Vegetarian or Vegan. I must have mentioned fish being fine, because the response was: "So, you're a pescatarian!" The waitress had the usual waitress smirk on her face as she used this word (though I might have imagined that).

No, I am not a fucking pescatarian, bitch

... was absolutely what I did not say. How could you possibly think I would use such a misogynistic term? I didn't say anything, of course. I behaved like a perfectly well-behaved not-quite-vegetarian, and kept my gob shut in the face of such discrimination. You don’t think it so? Then why didn’t the waitress say: “you’re a carnivore," or whatever, when my dining partner ordered?

Here is the original article, written in the form of a letter...

DON'T YOU CALL ME A...

Please don't try to label me. If you do try to pin a tag on me, from now on, I’ll take it right off and give it back to you. I might even invite you to eat it, pin and all. Not "eat my shorts", as Bart Simpson might say, but "eat my label". Or just keep it to yourself, or pin it to someone less able to stand up for themselves than I am.

I don’t need you to label me

What do I mean by a label? Well, prime example: that ‘V ’ word... Y’know… ’vegetarian.’ Now, I used to call myself a vegetarian, long time ago, in the 1980s and 199os. I grew up eating meat in the 60s and 70s. With, as the French used to say of the English, two veg and just one sauce. In 1983, I stopped eating meat. Why? This is the question you started asking as soon as I stopped eating putrefying flesh. Did I ask you why you continued to eat pieces cut from rotting corpses? Did I try to convert you to the vegetarian cause? Hell, no. I kept quiet, I said nothing against your eating habits, your ‘dietary requirements’ as you liked to put it in your questionnaires.

When you asked why I didn’t eat meat and I said “I’m a vegetarian,” you used to ask things like “If you're a vegetarian, why are you wearing leather shoes?” I’m wearing the goddam shoes, not eating them.

Not everyone asks stupid questions of course. Questions like: are you allowed to eat chicken? Or do you miss bacon sandwiches? When I visited a business in Tel Aviv and said I was veggie, they said it’s alright, we understand. They showed me their two staff restaurants, one meat and one dairy, in accordance with kosher rules. It seems my difference was accepted in Israel, when I was among my mostly Jewish hosts.

Later, when I spent that Christmas Day in prison (you know I was a prison officer some years ago) my friend the kitchens manager made a special vegetarian Christmas meal for me. Having cooked 1,300 Christmas dinners for the men, he and his team then cooked a special Christmas meal for all the staff who turned up that day, kindly funded by the prison Governor. Not only did they provide turkey and all trimmings for most staff, they also provided an equally splendid meal for us difficult vegetarians. And nobody asked any questions, they just offered the vegetarian meal to anyone who wanted it.

So, here's the thing. Nobody in prison, or in the factory I visited in Israel, interrogated me about what I choose to eat or not to eat. And of course my family are completely understanding and never ask me to explain my eating habits. If I cook a meal for the family, I often cook meat. I have just cooked my daughter a roast chicken for when she comes home from work.

Likewise, I am looked after when other family members do the cooking, which is more often than not. And that Christmas dinner in prison, which was hard to beat, was certainly topped by the Christmas dinner our son cooked for the first time last year. Not only did he cook a highly acclaimed turkey dinner, a ham roasted to his special recipe (involving par-boiling in cider, among other refinements), along with other delicacies. He also cooked delightful no-meat alternatives. He even found time to make some special no-meat 'sausage' rolls just for me and his other sister, who is also a vegetarian. The flavour he carefully added to them was absolutely out of this world.

I don't, of course, expect other people to feed me all the time. I am more than capable of looking after myself. But why should I put up with being called names all the time for no other reason that I am a little bit different?

I'm not even a vegetarian, it seems, because I sometimes eat fish. This is fine by me, as I have no particular desire to live to the vegetarian label. Vegetarianism isn't my religion or part of a religion. I am not religious any way. So, if I am not a 'proper' vegetarian, what am I?

Jules Winnfield: Mmmmm that is a tasty burger. Me, I can't usually get 'em because my girlfriend's a vegetarian, which, pretty much makes me a vegetarian. But I do love the taste of a good burger.

Oh... there's a word you have invented just to label people like me who don't fit exactly your idea of what a vegetarian should and shouldn't be, should or shouldn't eat, like fish. What they should or shouldn't do. Like wearing leather shoes. There would be a word for it, wouldn't there. Another label...

Pescetarian... PES-CA-FUCK-IN-TAR-I-AN ???!!!***

I only wish I knew who came up with this idiotic label

Okay, that's it. I have had enough. I refuse to wear this or any other label, just because of what I eat or what I don't eat. I don't eat meat, okay? Is that alright with you, pal? I do eat... well lots of things, including lots of things that you eat too, and they are too numerous to mention.

And it's not just the 'V' word, or now the fucking 'P' word. It's all those other labels too. More about that in my next letter.

Until then, please accept this, my opting out of being labelled letter. I am no longer a label, I am a free man. Free to choose what I do and don't do, within the bounds set by law, common courtesy and decency. If you try to pin a label on me from now on, be prepared to receive it back, with the pin still attached and expect to feel the point inserted deep within a soft, warm place about your person.

Your sincerely

Jules