Cake Does Not Take the Cake

Many people for many centuries have enjoyed the sweet "treat" that English speakers refer to as "cake". I un-popularly believe that this dessert is in fact rubbish. Now when I say cake, I do refer to cake as in the general term for all sweet pastries and deserts, nor do I refer the relatively modern definition of cake (having junk in thine trunk). The cake I have in mind is specifically the common, bland, dry, disc of flavourless airy nothing that people atop with candles to celebrate birthdays. They come in many varieties, some of which are more bearable than others, but all generally sharing the fact that they are inferior to almost any other choice of sweet.

Brief history of cake and how awful it is

The word cake is originally from Viking origin, (which makes me sad because Vikings are very cool and cake is not). This word is "kaka" meaning 'a sweet dessert', but frankly I think the Arabic, Spanish and Russian meaning for kaka, which is 'poop', much better suits this awful dessert.

During the Roman Empire cake was referred to as "placenta" which, don't get me wrong, is very important and child birth is lovely and all but frankly placenta is disgusting.

The first cakes in England were essentially just bread with some sugar which is practically just brioche. Brioche is also terrible.

The advertisement and development of cake mix in the 1950's was also used to promote and assert the archetype of the female housewife. So basically, cake is the worst.

Why is it just the worst?

The list of reasons for cake being terrible is practically endless however I can boil it down to two main factors. The first factor being the consistency of cake. When biting into cake my experience is comparable to that of biting into a pool noodle or perhaps one of those foam cubes in those pits at trampoline places. It is dry and horrible and much like a dish sponge it manages to soak up every ounce of saliva in your mouth making it impossible to swallow. Now you might say "well that's why you have it with frosting or ice-cream!" and my response to that is this: Frosting is often terrible and far too sweet or foamy like that horrible spray cheese, and ice-cream is far too good to waste on the nightmare that is cake. In addition to that why should you have to put something with a dessert to make it good?

The second factor is the flavour factor. The majority of cake I have eaten is bland. I would honestly prefer cardboard rolled in sugar. Now, I do realize there are different types of cakes and obviously some have good flavour, such as the lovely carrot cake, however the general consensus of me is that many cakes just taste like a circle of disappointment. Take the classic chocolate cake for example. Chocolate cake is the saddest dessert to walk the earth. I would opt for a frog-in-a-pond (literally a chocolate frog submerged in some jelly with some passion fruit pulp) before ordering chocolate cake on the kids menu of a cheap restaurant. It lacks cocoa powder and richness and I can guarantee that every chocolate cake I have eaten that was not deemed as 'mud cake' has been dry and awful. Why have chocolate cake when such an amazing thing as brownie exists?

In conclusion I just feel that if you are going to put something unhealthy in your body you should at least make it something good. I advise that you do not waste your precious fleeting minutes consuming the atrocity that is cake when there are many other wonderful desserts to try.