When you’re here, but you want to be there

“Come again

At 2AM

Where earth meets air meets fire

The waters here are deep

And maybe you will weep

But you might want to stay here a while

Come then again

At 3AM

When water makes love to the fire

The waters run deep

And though little things may creep

You might want to stay here a while”

She had planned to go to the aquarium for months before she actually went, but she had never actually made it. Either because she was too busy reading about the ocean, or thinking of being there, or thinking about why she couldn’t be there. But eventually, when she heard the Aquarium would be closing down, she went, wondering where those creatures would eventually go; where everything went.

On the same day, a class of second graders from her alma mater were touring the underground halls; delighted 6, 7 and 8 year olds, wide-eyed and full of questions and stories. What are the chances?, she lamented as her heartbeat stopped, and then quickened. She had a tattoo with a whale next to her left breast, and it started to tingle as she entered what they’d call ‘The Turtle’s Trove. ’ She brushed it off. This is why she didn’t like places like this, they were cheesy. But she wanted to see the manta rays and the turtles, the dolphins and the sea otters, the penguins and all the things she was forgetting about, so she walked in. She had come here for them, she had come here for Tiago.

“If you find yourself in a funny phase

Come and see the manta rays

They’ll surely brighten up your day.”

A smiling manta ray on the wall read to her, and the letter below it invited guests to make themselves at home in this underwater cave. It detailed the history of the aquarium and the story of its founder, who worked with mental health recovery programs.

All over the place were posters with affirmations and rhymes she knew she would have stuck in her head for the foreseeable future. The Aquarium was transforming into a recovery center where injured sea creatures could rehabilitate. The proceeds raised from the journal articles they released would go towards funding mental health programs for children, where budding scientists and curious kids could come to calm themselves, learn about life and death and earth and sea. She had been dreaming and thinking in rhymes for the past ten years since he drowned, so when she heard about the program, she had to go before they closed it off a public Aquarium. For too long, she’d been remembering Tiago’s unbroken voice and how he would sing everything instead of saying it. She still couldn’t believe he had been so young, about the same age as the kids who were here now. It has been so long, finally it felt like his voice was breaking…

In school, they had never learned how to talk about loss, and though she was more than capable of upholding upstanding conversations with people on topics of science and aquatics, she could still never been able to talk about how she still heard him singing, how he would visit her often, and how sometimes she too felt like she was drowning rather than swimming.

As she continued walking through the halls, she heard the poem Tiago’s dad would recite to him, and he to her, in her head.

“Do not be limited by the things which you see

They say there is less earth than sea

But do not believe me

Go yourself - be!

And as she walked the corridor, she brightened up to the cheesy things,

You’re so cheesy, she’d tell him

Good thing there’s cheese on the moon! He’d reply, sillily.

She could almost swear it was Tiago who had written the words on the walls; who had sent the creatures she was seeing around her now here to her now.

She could hear his voice clearly again in the creatures

Dolphins say:

“Jump into this!

Whatever this is!

Wherever you are

You will go far!”

Penguins:

“Be free, you will find your tribe!

Dance, clap hands for others, your purpose is to feel alive!”

Mantas”

“Jump into this - dive!

The waves will come alive!”

On the corridor walls, she saw a song poem by her favorite artist Loyle Carner pasted with a note from Nemo saying ‘Just keep swimming”.

“I read about a man getting drowned once

His friends thought he was waving to them from the sea

But really, he was drowning

And then I thought, that in a way

It is true of life too

That a lot of people pretend, out of bravery really

That they are very jolly and ordinary sort of chaps

But really, they do not feel at all at home in the world

Or able to make friends easily

So then they joke a lot and laugh

And people think they're quite alright and jolly nice too

But sometimes that brave pretense breaks down

And then, like the poor man in this poem

They are lost

Not waving, but drowning” - written by Loyle Carner, based on a poem by Stevie Smith.

Take care of your loved ones.